Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Is there anything more defeating than cute bats?


Baby Bat, you are destroying my ability to successfully categorize safe animals and animals that want me to drop whatever I am doing and make sure they are comfortable and happy. You are supposed to be trying to suck my blood or finding your way out of a cave using radio waves or Google maps or whatever. Instead you are like a big-eyed baby deer crossed with a webbed monkey sucking on a pacifier. You're really little, too, aren't you? There's nothing in this picture that I can compare you to, but I get the sense you're something disgusting like a pound and a half. I bet you would fit in my hand and then look up at me and I wouldn't even be able to check to make sure you aren't going to turn into a vampire. Fucking bats. At least they aren't thriving, I mean, who would raise bats in large groups?

Oh shit.
Why do I even bother?

64 comments:

Entrepreneur Chick said...

I knew the link on "oh shit" was going to be good, but I didn't know it was going to be THAT good! Hahahaha.

How does one get into raising bats? Is there a market for that, Entrepreneur Chick wonders...?

Unknown said...

I finally broke down and ordere the book from Anazon. Can't wait for it to arrive!

There's still nothing cute about those bats!

Christina Berry said...

Oh.My. Normally I'd say a big fat yuck to bats, but those? Are cute.

Erica said...

Trick or TRICK you stinkin' bats!

K. Rubin said...

I'm so happy your back! I'm also happy to have this warning about bats before I go out trick-or-treating this Saturday. Bats, I'm ready for you!

Anonymous said...

Haha oh shit, are you ok?

jmuhj said...

I don't have to show you no stinkin' bats. ;)

Melanie's Randomness said...

oh geez. I hate when animals who could possibily really hurt me or suck my blood are ridicolously cute. lol.

Glory von Hathor said...

I love megabats. The Yorkshire Terriers of the sky.

The Cool Cookie said...

Bats are truly one of God's great mysteries. They are at once poignant reminders of the veritable variety of things that can jumbled up into one creature, and at the same time, terriffic vectors for rabies and all manner of other terrible things. Still They really don't bother us unless we bother them, and when they do there is Hell to pay for everyone.

Unknown said...

I am daid from the cute.

Rico said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rico said...

Baby Bat, you look like Bambi's head was cut and pasted on pure evil. And what's with those big fucking eyes? You're giving the saying "Blind as a Bat" a bad name.

Rico said...

Oh, and I have no doubts you'll just grow up to be one of these:

http://data-allocine.blogomaniac.fr/mdata/7/3/1/Z20060520184332677502137/img/1229439279_dark-crystal-skeksis2.jpg

Lousy skeksis . . .

Anonymous said...

Oh.that.bat. Coochy-coochy-coo! Those.bats.in.blankets.

Sigh. Life was easier while you were "in captivity."

Ruby said...

You bother because you have been appointed to warn the rest of us. Those bats in blankets are hard to resist though...damn blanket bats...

MikFoss said...

Yes, so glad to have you back!

Unknown said...

He's back!!! weeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Daisy Bateman said...

Oh shit indeed. That damn one in the middle melted my brain, dammit.

Jane Q Doe said...

NEW. FAVORITE. BLOG.

BattyHugh said...

As the lady said MEGABATS

don't suck blood
eat flowers and fruit
better night vision than we have
our relatives - lemurs with wings (take that Am Mus Nat Hist!!)
No sonar, radar or RFID's

If you want to raise them - come to Orstralia.

Oh and where's the other pic (of the girl with the bat bubs?)

Anonymous said...

That's a friggin blow up bat, I got one of those for my pool last year!

BioPeach said...

I hate the way tiny mammals make me want to rush over to Macy's and blow a bunch of money on onesies and layettes.

Damn instincts...

SJO said...

I need a dozen, stat!

Unknown said...

bat schmat: please tell me the penguin who kidnapped you is going to get the chair! Glad you made it out alive.

Becky said...

I have no words for this one. And the link took it that extra bit over the top.

Wow.

Just wow.

LT said...

i love this blog!!!! damn bats, they are adorable!!!

Mike! said...

E-fucking-gad. It's little Wednesday, all grown up. I mean, Who the fuck ever even heard of raising fucking bats? Like,EC said, there's a market for bats? How does one even think up such an operation? Where do you even start? "Mom, Dad, I know what I want to do when I get out of school. I'm gonna raise bats. Here, see?" That's when Mom fainted and Dad had his stroke.
And I have to wonder what happens when that 'special guy' gets to come in for the first time. "...This is the kitchen, oh, and here are my bats." Yeah, that's the place I want to spend the night. If you're gonna have bats hanging around the house, you'd better look like Elvira! Know what I mean?

Jacque said...

bat in a snuggie.

WR said...

okay that is all very interesting, funny, and damn it...cute ~ but...who weans them from a bottle to mosquitoes?

Miss Anthrope said...

A bevy of bundled baby bats?!
So wrong. So very wrong.

Glory von Hathor said...

The baby bats are orphans. They only wrap them up to give them their formula. On youtube you can see lots of mind-screwingly cute footage of fruit bat rescue centres. And bizarrely a man getting frenched by a fruit bat - not on purpose though.

Lots of people think the bat-rescuers are mad, because it's like rescuing squirrels or kangaroos - they're essentially vermin. But they're such ace animals, and people are sort of verminous.

hiphophippie.com said...

That little shit head was sucking the boob of a blow up doll and it got stuck in his mouth. I'm on to you and your porno ways baby bat.

dean10003 said...

finally back in form after time off and a few sobbly posts! cute little living stuff stinks!

Saraddy said...

Genius!

Jane said...

Welcome back! Hope that little shit penguin hijacker got his.

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Haha, you alright? At least you got a great post out of it.
plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/

smbelcas said...

"At least they aren't thriving..."
True enough: White Nose Syndrome is driving several eastern U.S. bat species to near extinction. Google will get you as much info on this mystery as your heart desires.

thunk said...

Just got my copy of the Hardbound-UK version of FUP.
I'm scared to start reading it because then I won't stop till I finish it!!
What am I going to do!!!!!!!

Mars Will Send No More said...

Mom, I found this little deer in the woods. Can I keep him?

AAHHHHHHH!!! Oh my god! It's got the body of a chicken!?!

Unknown said...

Here's the bat with super powers!

HERE

ruthy said...

Oh sweet Jesus. From left to right: Wrong, Wrong, Wrongedy, Wrong, Wrong. And the smiling lady: Wrongest.

Unknown said...

I've always wanted a bat since I was a kid (there was a boy scout related magazine that had an article on a kid that was raising bats).

Unknown said...

Fruit bats are absolutely beautiful. Flying foxes. I read Stellaluna to the kids when they were old enough to appreciate it and we all fell in love with the critters. But those fugly sonar-echolocation-weird-nosed-big-eared bat versions are different beasts entirely. Creeepeeee. Pretty neat from an evolutionary viewpoint though, I have to admit.

kanishk said...

I love megabats. The Yorkshire Terriers of the sky. Work From Home

girl6 said...

Those blanket bats are lying-ass lying liars. They're all cute and shit. Well, they're all cute and shit.

Red Lipstick said...

I love him ;-)

nltisme said...

"Oh shit" link doth rule....and these are deeply confusing lil' boogers....I am just all headachy now!

afexion8 said...

uhhhhh....whoa!
I'm feeling quite disoriented.
How can one quick link make me re-think any relationship I have ever had with a cute animal OR a blood-sucking parasite?

Organic Meatbag said...

Yeah, cute now, but he is practically oozing rabies...he climaxes rabies....ewwwww...

Anonymous said...

http://www.myspace.com/bootsanathebat

Anonymous said...

And here she is again :)
http://www.batworld.org/adopt_a_bat/bootsana.html

El Caganer said...

I pooped on a bat once.

Unknown said...

;)

Anonymous said...

bats are so cool. and to raise bats you can purchase a starter colony from a zoo. as long as you have all the proper paperwork/permits/housing.

cool bat facts

1. no bats are blind, thats a total myth
2. bats are very clean animals, despite what you hear the chances of getting rabies from a bat is like 1 in 400,000 or something crazy like that.
3. vampire bats can walk!
4. yesterday i pet a bat!

Norbert said...

Oh my lord. These are the cutest things ever!

jenn said...

big eyes do not equal 'cute'. i see those creepy bat wings. ha

Mammoth said...

"These too, are food"

Unknown said...

Baby flying fox. Up to six foot wingspan when all grown up. Can send him this way

Anonymous said...

thats bad for that bat, air in the stomach means bat burps, and THAT is nothing no one wants.

Russell said...

I actually found this blog while researching a way to buy and breed giant fruit bats. I am going to breed alot but have atleast two in my home....I will hold and squeeze them and pet them and pat them, and hug them and kiss them and call them George. By the way... this is the best thing online since I found porn in my teens. I love this blog, Fuckin' penguins

Tracy said...

I raised a baby bay once...disgustingly cute little brown mouse batty, I never did get over it...

SeekerKC said...

LMAO!

Uh oh...Cute OVERLOAD! Someone, anyone...HEEELLLLP!!!

BTW, your commentary is as funny as...well, as a twig-chewing monkey's multi-colored a$$!

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