tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15313989796450277442024-03-05T15:19:19.069-08:00Fuck You, PenguinA blog where I tell cute animals what's what.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger185125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-61728838030603633072013-10-31T17:31:00.000-07:002013-10-31T17:31:43.673-07:00Still "Fuck You" After All These Years<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiusV9maeamhCEvp0gAMIWS3VT0cVZoDV6asUeGkvLtmOkspDJjBDIFaxnVEUgG9aEgSH5nIwnD12cjPS45N4iPB4LmBzFjqdW4r-hfz5wAzVjPp7NfRBFhlZCEB4uJeJNTJjJotadAdGA/s1600/penguin+simon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="342" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiusV9maeamhCEvp0gAMIWS3VT0cVZoDV6asUeGkvLtmOkspDJjBDIFaxnVEUgG9aEgSH5nIwnD12cjPS45N4iPB4LmBzFjqdW4r-hfz5wAzVjPp7NfRBFhlZCEB4uJeJNTJjJotadAdGA/s400/penguin+simon.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Happy fifth anniversary, you crazy son of a bitch.</div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-79678262600459259652009-11-20T05:50:00.000-08:002009-11-20T07:05:15.755-08:00Don't even think about trying to sneak by meI've tried to get around to as many species as possible on this blog, but it's really hard to keep up with all the smart-ass explorers that go into places like volcanos and obscure unexplored mountains and discover, like, seven thousand new species in a day. So to stem the tide, I've put together a post that covers a lot of the really dangerous new species that these Darwin-dick riders have shoved in our faces, just to get them out of the way and move onto the serious problem areas.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0FuZyTZ6bK_RfkYJbvOFnqperBxszaRhNiBqsEOFvO-ulzQ_MF9DWO9Juy-Eq37QsHVRnIxG0-LEL_9z7vP8wC5hdRc-C3EAoy841M1BQuUJOR36HUzWQOJRGhxw8han-JM1p6P3SaYU/s1600-h/Gallery-Mount-Mabu-Mount--003.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0FuZyTZ6bK_RfkYJbvOFnqperBxszaRhNiBqsEOFvO-ulzQ_MF9DWO9Juy-Eq37QsHVRnIxG0-LEL_9z7vP8wC5hdRc-C3EAoy841M1BQuUJOR36HUzWQOJRGhxw8han-JM1p6P3SaYU/s400/Gallery-Mount-Mabu-Mount--003.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5403031969342536722" border="0" /></a><br />Hey buddy, nice head. What, were all the proportional heads taken? I did a little math, and even if I lost one leg, <span style="font-style: italic;">I'd still have 100% more legs than you</span>. So suck on that.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF0c39L544LAUqJPTieIkAHsGKAmPtFcn8btA05P4FSmESp-2cl8JNIQM4TWeiu9TjyXlACnFJvx3IUhex92YivUMGJ4ZNApg1qZ20Z8I_aagjDr30ONDr3FfpVCRKugODFKANGdBrMCQ/s1600-h/Gallery-Mount-Mabu-Mount--Olive+sunbird.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF0c39L544LAUqJPTieIkAHsGKAmPtFcn8btA05P4FSmESp-2cl8JNIQM4TWeiu9TjyXlACnFJvx3IUhex92YivUMGJ4ZNApg1qZ20Z8I_aagjDr30ONDr3FfpVCRKugODFKANGdBrMCQ/s400/Gallery-Mount-Mabu-Mount--Olive+sunbird.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5403032040170183282" border="0" /></a><br />The olive sunbird, huh? Fuck you.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGhTALGQsRL-hE0n2Q_wtckyxnQMzLvjA4wOLH2kZWcZiD3nz-FpKhtXyfOAYTyNpK9eWfS28lWvr5vnNYkYn5JHon1LTXAviMtDrWlHEg0lMeM9DL1O7-0hCbW9f4tePhL9gV-MRZDbg/s1600-h/Bosavi-Woolly-Rat-001.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGhTALGQsRL-hE0n2Q_wtckyxnQMzLvjA4wOLH2kZWcZiD3nz-FpKhtXyfOAYTyNpK9eWfS28lWvr5vnNYkYn5JHon1LTXAviMtDrWlHEg0lMeM9DL1O7-0hCbW9f4tePhL9gV-MRZDbg/s400/Bosavi-Woolly-Rat-001.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5403031825146690914" border="0" /></a><br />Hey, loser: <a href="http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/environment/article6824443.ece">YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING CRATER</a>. Get a job, free loader.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIGJJoyAgcVg41QCzgcXCukFid-el159ADtYAa-D9UrJ3sF8YlH1urpexLWlNmpRsLWPXCZZK2zYJmsAOkY3e5MLrSl63kl8jJ2JQ2Y_hSvhI7tB9tn28NX78gbVW9F3fkUK31cO52ByE/s1600-h/An-iridescent-Beetle-foun-006.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIGJJoyAgcVg41QCzgcXCukFid-el159ADtYAa-D9UrJ3sF8YlH1urpexLWlNmpRsLWPXCZZK2zYJmsAOkY3e5MLrSl63kl8jJ2JQ2Y_hSvhI7tB9tn28NX78gbVW9F3fkUK31cO52ByE/s400/An-iridescent-Beetle-foun-006.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5403031753372307986" border="0" /></a><br />You think just because you're iridescent, you can get away with being a beetle. You know what else is iridescent? <a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/fe/Iridescent_Shark_Catfish.jpg">THIS FUCKING SHARK</a>.<br /><br />Yes, I realize it's a catfish. What the fuck do you know about fish, you're just a stupid beetle. Shut up, asshole.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAuU_mg7n_rduLw30ARpfJCBG3f1_7OIbAQwH8zdOpHt_xVQDO5UNW3h6SjiHkEPwApPhcf7Pe4kr8BOxVnRiFDRbP4Vfeq_blIQGtKpr578vLSxgJdTE3wfDzurr1lVxeZzWbi5S6dkI/s1600-h/A-Striped-Possum-012.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAuU_mg7n_rduLw30ARpfJCBG3f1_7OIbAQwH8zdOpHt_xVQDO5UNW3h6SjiHkEPwApPhcf7Pe4kr8BOxVnRiFDRbP4Vfeq_blIQGtKpr578vLSxgJdTE3wfDzurr1lVxeZzWbi5S6dkI/s400/A-Striped-Possum-012.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5403031683582391986" border="0" /></a><br />What's so fucking surprising, shithead? Like you weren't just sitting around waiting to be discovered by humans. DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT CIVILIZATION. I bet your stupid reality show is only going to last until mid-season, anyway, so don't make any big purchases.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQlzJFEeBay2eFswbPEUwT2tRG9x8brKNeD91tqMOHHR7oIYfFow9jsVb1OJXSTIxJtdxuVslJxlBQPulz4GUuQKdNLNFaPltlHCISgHXOzLbgKsPjQsK8h23D8xTlwYrXYqaori1o2XU/s1600-h/Common-Tube-nosed-Bat-Nyc-015.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQlzJFEeBay2eFswbPEUwT2tRG9x8brKNeD91tqMOHHR7oIYfFow9jsVb1OJXSTIxJtdxuVslJxlBQPulz4GUuQKdNLNFaPltlHCISgHXOzLbgKsPjQsK8h23D8xTlwYrXYqaori1o2XU/s400/Common-Tube-nosed-Bat-Nyc-015.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5403031907262103986" border="0" /></a><br />Yeah. Do you even need me to say anything? I didn't think so.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis7zVnvq6acPLZiPkWFcmbJRru5dLIjLOUg7gIu6Gv9FWgNpYyahV1cJlbyBs70P4ssc-oIWyJXEF62Y_XIIwiQMiVcE9wIvBvvesigJxHWk_voGnx2uJ-o9W5aRqxCc6EJdMcRZ-Ptek/s1600-h/A-Beautiful--Fruit-Dove-004.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis7zVnvq6acPLZiPkWFcmbJRru5dLIjLOUg7gIu6Gv9FWgNpYyahV1cJlbyBs70P4ssc-oIWyJXEF62Y_XIIwiQMiVcE9wIvBvvesigJxHWk_voGnx2uJ-o9W5aRqxCc6EJdMcRZ-Ptek/s400/A-Beautiful--Fruit-Dove-004.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5403031610094927122" border="0" /></a><br />I bet you think you fucking invented that pose. Well guess what, fucktard: BIRDS HAVE BEEN USING THAT POSE FOR YEARS. You don't look contemplative, you just look like a Mexican flag with wings. And by the way, "Fruit Dove"? <span style="font-style: italic;">Gayest. Name. Ever.</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1umdH36SCx_QIO8pwR-KDxYyw8LnNQzZH9ydkoTTweMrnXIvbuCUmVPYBGPIYkvqJ4jOKG_xWGZJKyXm35Ie6XWDemcA9rs8M89wfauu7b1T0xQ2LGnwrlv1jERvdNx2_6M0fUX0D6cg/s1600-h/-Cat-Ba-leopard-gecko-006.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 248px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1umdH36SCx_QIO8pwR-KDxYyw8LnNQzZH9ydkoTTweMrnXIvbuCUmVPYBGPIYkvqJ4jOKG_xWGZJKyXm35Ie6XWDemcA9rs8M89wfauu7b1T0xQ2LGnwrlv1jERvdNx2_6M0fUX0D6cg/s400/-Cat-Ba-leopard-gecko-006.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5403031498574463522" border="0" /></a><br />You know I hate combo animals, Leopard Gecko. Get a more original name, like maybe Uneven Tail Gecko. Did your tail swallow a candy corn? I don't give a shit about your freaky eyes, you're still all elbows and suckage.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbbehTTkc9AtHADZDtqVSYtj4gstILpyCAEhCABv36WkLEpLipvSSxaeqtzQHnyc3t-9Ty91LdN2BH1mLlMWIl-q0khSN6O0dLckIOiSXpMBs7h3y_z2ZozgKc8GJsz28SBJHWmABnFw4/s1600-h/limnonectes-megastomias.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 374px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbbehTTkc9AtHADZDtqVSYtj4gstILpyCAEhCABv36WkLEpLipvSSxaeqtzQHnyc3t-9Ty91LdN2BH1mLlMWIl-q0khSN6O0dLckIOiSXpMBs7h3y_z2ZozgKc8GJsz28SBJHWmABnFw4/s400/limnonectes-megastomias.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5403041984877500978" border="0" /></a><br />Wait a second, this frog and has fangs? And it fucking EATS BIRDS?! Um, we're cool. I think I'm done here. Yeah.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com266tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-9144878173676534462009-11-13T05:29:00.000-08:002009-11-13T05:50:05.947-08:00I think you may have sat on your own face, clown monkey<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRGv8wqaP5n36xh9kxZRARuwr_G3hh_haIG5YE2KV74X8nJR3p20q4DYRMInpLpVqU_vBsAKGufo3fh7zalh7sxdPNve3HuhtCFgxF-KuoojfS7ofqem-lqegF7pSQQH1nZIG_LTETZ-I/s1600-h/mandrill.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 381px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRGv8wqaP5n36xh9kxZRARuwr_G3hh_haIG5YE2KV74X8nJR3p20q4DYRMInpLpVqU_vBsAKGufo3fh7zalh7sxdPNve3HuhtCFgxF-KuoojfS7ofqem-lqegF7pSQQH1nZIG_LTETZ-I/s400/mandrill.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5403023473646997218" border="0"></a><br />Mandrill, I'd like to introduce you to a concept called restraint. Here's how it works: I don't make fun of the fact that you think chewing on a twig is cool, and you refrain from looking like your mom had sex with a box of Fruit Loops and made you. Honestly, of all the <a href="http://www.factzoo.com/sites/all/img/mammals/monkeys/gibbon.jpg">ridiculously</a> <a href="http://k43.pbase.com/g6/17/666717/2/73929545.iRwm9jtP.jpg">insane</a> <a href="http://static.guim.co.uk/Guardian/environment/gallery/2008/aug/04/endangeredspecies/112383-7845.jpg">monkeys</a> out there, you have to be the craziest one of all. You're a primate, Mandrill, <span style="font-style: italic;">not a fucking Care Bear</span>.<br /><br />And as if it wasn't enough that you have a Van Gogh painting on your ass, you just had to get like an all-time amazing shampoo/blow out at the local salon. HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE IN THE WILD. It's so silky and planned, you are way too entirely ready for a night on the town in your rockin' unbuttoned shirt and puka shell necklace. Please stop your misguided search for a mate, wipe that shit off your face, and start eating a banana or something so other monkeys won't talk about you behind your back so much.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com63tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-69084925305386128742009-11-10T06:19:00.001-08:002009-11-10T07:29:31.847-08:00Dissatisfied ferrets resort to Jewish guilt<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiArmig6T5xNOcKY1ypu6CFEpGtINkTVF1zhgooPwwKgcR-5K0O3WAuNK8FONLSDg6nW6UbPkR6PiitVlGdTmrtIJxrT_JznkFlNNoOn-lea4iFj8pJAWVUNtVThwx_Ur1390S4jGT_6Js/s1600-h/Ferret.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 278px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiArmig6T5xNOcKY1ypu6CFEpGtINkTVF1zhgooPwwKgcR-5K0O3WAuNK8FONLSDg6nW6UbPkR6PiitVlGdTmrtIJxrT_JznkFlNNoOn-lea4iFj8pJAWVUNtVThwx_Ur1390S4jGT_6Js/s400/Ferret.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5402479602852306706" border="0"></a><br />Ferrets have made no secret out of the fact that they are not happy about being so low down the list of favorite pets, hovering way below the classic favorites like dogs and cats and somewhere between a potbellied pig and a chia pet. Instead of taking this like a man, they unsurprisingly take it like a ferret, which means tons of fucking passive aggressive comments about how all the ferret wants is for you to be happy and if it doesn't make you happy, well, then maybe it just shouldn't be around any more.<br /><br />This particular manipulative bastard has taken it to a whole other level. If a Ferret ever gives you shit like this, just say, "No, Ferret, I am not going to cook you to put you out of your misery. JUST BECAUSE I DON'T CALL EVERY WEEK DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T LOVE YOU ANY MORE. And stop looking at me like that, I will not be taken in by your firm but loving stare." Then slowly back away from the Ferret and when both of you are calmer you can make plans to firmly define your boundaries.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com56tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-63604522299976205602009-10-30T05:54:00.000-07:002009-10-30T06:28:46.146-07:00I doubt Nathan Lane feels threatened<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdUmQ_Pf3OtkkqysZqFJVw4jF7IPglpvRJw1P-SFRIp_I4LJlQe9aUCdvfVrI0-knO7ETn7AmbrS5mdHiHGfHWQ42f2_RTM2uxQdeVlrA_3IUQBAn2TNtS7ikjnbzCl0HfMg6bkEHc6l4/s1600-h/toxic-nudibranch-1162744-080109-sw.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdUmQ_Pf3OtkkqysZqFJVw4jF7IPglpvRJw1P-SFRIp_I4LJlQe9aUCdvfVrI0-knO7ETn7AmbrS5mdHiHGfHWQ42f2_RTM2uxQdeVlrA_3IUQBAn2TNtS7ikjnbzCl0HfMg6bkEHc6l4/s400/toxic-nudibranch-1162744-080109-sw.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386548240120864754" /></a><br />This nudibranch apparently thinks it's the cutest thing on the block just because it's the neon equivalent of a drama kid. Prancing around the ocean like you have a spine doesn't mean you should pose jazz-hands style like you're in <a href="http://people.bu.edu/onbrdway/fame.jpg">a college production of Fame</a>, asshole.<br /><br />Talk about cheesy. Was this the nudibranch's headshot for auditions? I've got news for you, Nudibranch, no one is looking for an overenthusiastic mollusk to take Broadway by storm. I hope you're good at pouring coffee, because I see a bright future for you in table-waiting.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com66tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-70303947657557954212009-10-27T09:10:00.000-07:002009-10-27T09:48:28.178-07:00Is there anything more defeating than cute bats?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXS8RHovE1PX9FE94mpmK3FxOs_9SL6md0FiO2odn0B4D8SI1iolZhEhRyCsOEo909gJpEYOf2qNYDj7_FwzyF1Rf7gRWkOmMaYh4IjIVpLiEETuyo_ygrp8yVFULtQZKPFc_7040A3EI/s1600-h/35__320x240_bootsana.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXS8RHovE1PX9FE94mpmK3FxOs_9SL6md0FiO2odn0B4D8SI1iolZhEhRyCsOEo909gJpEYOf2qNYDj7_FwzyF1Rf7gRWkOmMaYh4IjIVpLiEETuyo_ygrp8yVFULtQZKPFc_7040A3EI/s400/35__320x240_bootsana.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5388873375875850530" border="0" /></a><br />Baby Bat, you are destroying my ability to successfully categorize safe animals and animals that want me to drop whatever I am doing and make sure they are comfortable and happy. You are supposed to be trying to suck my blood or finding your way out of a cave using radio waves or Google maps or whatever. Instead you are like a big-eyed baby deer crossed with a webbed monkey sucking on a pacifier. You're really little, too, aren't you? There's nothing in this picture that I can compare you to, but I get the sense you're something disgusting like a pound and a half. I bet you would fit in my hand and then look up at me and I wouldn't even be able to check to make sure you aren't going to turn into a vampire. Fucking bats. At least they aren't thriving, I mean, who would raise bats in large groups?<br /><a href="http://snuzzy.com/wp-content/uploads/babybats.jpg"><br />Oh shit.</a> Why do I even bother?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com64tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-71814369423640196622009-10-23T12:24:00.000-07:002009-10-23T12:33:17.347-07:00Confiscated for evidence<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQGA1UgH0eA9PAn6eXF49cONtTRWTSNFQ1-9_A7l45_PM6-5Kx_KEl_Ic4cyoexDlllaGEzFw-g2y1NlE-yg6NBYsaSOVAtyvyZmEvp2wqaA3dhLvo-Sid-WLI-G87hJCWauhQwFM2Pys/s1600-h/Penguin+behind+bars.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 268px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQGA1UgH0eA9PAn6eXF49cONtTRWTSNFQ1-9_A7l45_PM6-5Kx_KEl_Ic4cyoexDlllaGEzFw-g2y1NlE-yg6NBYsaSOVAtyvyZmEvp2wqaA3dhLvo-Sid-WLI-G87hJCWauhQwFM2Pys/s400/Penguin+behind+bars.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5395880277288331170" /></a><br />This blog is now the property of the Antarctic Police Department. Once everything is bagged and tagged in a few days it will be released back into the internet wild.<br /><br />Thank you for your cooperation.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com36tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-71859251627871714572009-10-23T05:04:00.000-07:002009-10-23T06:48:26.830-07:00Penguin Donates Millions to Charity!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1q_eDDfzOfwpJKNDRXa6EP0WvETfvRQS6TH1n2LcbgjfZy31IRYq8PkAA8F6XywWRgKN8ZMnYdn2RtNBGGxjVi3ffhjq4dhpSyRdl8uTJekeo7mxqeRIjNBVqqt1qaWc2rL9tdtbZSqc/s1600-h/EmperorPenguinChick-1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1q_eDDfzOfwpJKNDRXa6EP0WvETfvRQS6TH1n2LcbgjfZy31IRYq8PkAA8F6XywWRgKN8ZMnYdn2RtNBGGxjVi3ffhjq4dhpSyRdl8uTJekeo7mxqeRIjNBVqqt1qaWc2rL9tdtbZSqc/s400/EmperorPenguinChick-1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5393585906281407074" border="0" /></a><br />I thought everyone else would be as interested in this story as I was. Who knew penguins were so selfless?<br /><blockquote>(AP)<br /><br />Penguinville, ANTARCTICA - Moments after emerging from his father's fat fold, a baby emperor penguin donated his entire inheritance to human-focused charities. While the money went to a number of different non-profit organizations, the bulk of the money was donated to PETAP (Penguins for the Ethical Treatment of Actual People). "This is a great day for human/penguin relations," said a real person, who was using their fingers to do something complex as they spoke, "we've always known penguins were totally great and didn't at all deserve the negative press they've been getting recently. But it's nice to have it confirmed."<br /><br />When reached for comment, the baby penguin had only nice things to say about humans. "I think people understand that we can only do so much to avoid being cute in certain circumstances. This is simply just the way we were born. The fact that so many people are thoughtful about our circumstances and try their best to look the other way means a lot to me, and I know it means a lot to my fellow penguins. This is just my way of saying thank you."</blockquote><br />This is really a different way of thinking about penguins isn't it? That charity is great, because it is specifically targeted to <span style="font-style: italic;">actual humans</span> like you and me! Now I am going to go put some pants on (one leg at a timing, right guys?!) and put more thought into all this new light that's been shed on the penguin.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com38tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-39567033924105501802009-10-22T04:48:00.000-07:002009-10-22T07:14:01.916-07:00Leopard seals think it's cute to senselessly murder<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfIY5ZUt1p8j1iiV40R5bR-ygsRR_2UM-DzkRKcJhYZkrCXBEKYLG60zWB3uwvn69UjMNORX2V7LiMOKHA7Gd5AtU0HJxb6aPj1ss263Oim6iLsgIwlS79abtOXsiHAchYZXKW47sjEFE/s1600-h/p376682-Antarctic_Peninsula-Leopard_Seal.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfIY5ZUt1p8j1iiV40R5bR-ygsRR_2UM-DzkRKcJhYZkrCXBEKYLG60zWB3uwvn69UjMNORX2V7LiMOKHA7Gd5AtU0HJxb6aPj1ss263Oim6iLsgIwlS79abtOXsiHAchYZXKW47sjEFE/s400/p376682-Antarctic_Peninsula-Leopard_Seal.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5393582429838525234" border="0"></a><br />This leopard seal thinks it is so cute that he can lift one flipper up and lean to the side like it's just about to roll its fat ass over. Well, ha. Fucking. Ha. It's so funny to tear penguins apart limb from limb. WHAT DID PENGUINS EVER DO TO YOU, LEOPARD SEAL? Except love you, Leopard Seal. I knew a penguin once (that was definitely not me because I am, as everyone who reads this blog knows, definitely human) that would sit back and say, "you know, a lot of penguins hate the leopard seal. But not me. Because I forgive the leopard seal. I want to understand the leopard seal's desperation, and why it gets to this point in life where it seems like the only option is to eat a penguin."<br /><br />These are the kinds of complex shades of morality that a simple leopard seal simply cannot understand. So fuck you, Leopard Seal. Next time I see a penguin I am going to give it a big hug, and I recommend everyone reading this blog do the same.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com43tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-52841480851731557402009-10-21T01:48:00.000-07:002009-10-21T05:21:36.481-07:00HELPPeople, a penguin has kidnapped me. I was on a hot air balloon trip and I crashed in Antarctica and he captured me and forced me to give him my password. DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING HE SAYS! Please, call the police and tell them to immediately fly down to the south pole and look for a white door cut out of the ground. It's made out of ice, you can't miss it. I'm right in there!!! Hurry... Oh, God, he's coming!<br /><br /><br />UPDATE: Haha, wasn't this a funny idea for a post? As if penguins would even kidnap anyone, they don't even have guns because they are a peace-loving species! Why, the only way I could think of to kidnap a human would be to hack into the directional apparatus on their craft so they were forced down in your general vicinity, peck at their calf muscles so they could not run away, then drag them into a secret lair which had been created for just such an occasion where the "penguin" would then be able to keep the human at bay using a highly complex system of ropes and pulleys. Now how realistic does that sound? Not very likely, I hope.<br /><br />Anyway, back to the blog!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com40tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-34112360476466552402009-10-20T05:25:00.000-07:002009-10-20T06:26:54.265-07:00Penguins: not so bad??!!<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0mpVclobeNsfsmi63z9mt6B4-f9jBg8tLRuC2IEBaxUM1lGZCcpy-oNVtV1PFUwJddFBaRKE7FsgvPqGh905Cmxs1s_Gq67IoaCa8YaAF7AldcdmkalynOVnKDA28EB1JelC6AjmT7rw/s1600-h/a2180_PenguinsHoldingHandsColdAntarctica.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0mpVclobeNsfsmi63z9mt6B4-f9jBg8tLRuC2IEBaxUM1lGZCcpy-oNVtV1PFUwJddFBaRKE7FsgvPqGh905Cmxs1s_Gq67IoaCa8YaAF7AldcdmkalynOVnKDA28EB1JelC6AjmT7rw/s400/a2180_PenguinsHoldingHandsColdAntarctica.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5393591107895449714" border="0"></a>^^They seem nice enough...^^</div><br /><br />I learned some things on my vacation that made me think penguins are not everything I've made them out to be in my other posts that I personally wrote and that were definitely not written by someone else that I am now pretending to be. I also ate a lot of different kinds of food on my vacation that humans like me really love, like cow, peanut jelly, and seal. In fact, I found seal to be extremely delicious. <font style="font-style: italic;">People should really eat seal more often.</font> Anyway, did you know these things:<br /><ol><li>Penguins actually can fly, but they choose not to do so because they don't want humans to think that penguins believe they are better than everyone.</li><li>Penguins have the highest percentage of church attendance in the animal kingdom. Unless you don't like that sort of thing, in which case they are agnostic leaning towards secular humanism.</li><li>Penguins love NASCAR because it puts them in touch with their working class roots.</li><li>There has never been an incidence of any penguin using the term "Bros before hos."</li><li>While there are a small percentage of penguins that hog the spotlight, the vast majority are private birds who just want to live their lives and avoid hurting humans.</li></ol>I mean, this was a real revelation for me, considering that I am a person and I previously did not really care for penguins. I am going to have to really think this over while I drive my car and wear clothes, you know, like a normal guy.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com46tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-37523077048017593982009-10-19T05:14:00.000-07:002009-10-19T06:28:21.408-07:00Fucking penguins, right fellow humans?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZecCvwTGp521Yn7b_csllyGfn4MCoBQDzKgalNdfVRRc9_qT1OLoU3bAKWo25qmMzkx9CgapaT2L62rynI-P6UDffwEBNdFnL7xe4Y_wPnd7Tb5z0w1wSU6q0gr8A1BIffInGi4823q8/s1600-h/Penguin+bending+neck.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 291px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZecCvwTGp521Yn7b_csllyGfn4MCoBQDzKgalNdfVRRc9_qT1OLoU3bAKWo25qmMzkx9CgapaT2L62rynI-P6UDffwEBNdFnL7xe4Y_wPnd7Tb5z0w1wSU6q0gr8A1BIffInGi4823q8/s400/Penguin+bending+neck.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5393579155930567218" border="0" /></a><br />Hey, everyone! I'm back from vacation where I was doing all the thing that humans like to do! I went to the aquarium, ate lots of chicken, and totally walked one foot in front of the other. It was the best! But I'm back now, and it's time to start back in on those damn penguins. Look at this guy, right? I mean, what a little fucking show-off. HEY PENGUIN, NOT EVERYONE CAN BE SO AWESOME, KIND, AND THOUGHTFUL. Jeez, what is it about penguins that makes them think they can get away with being so personable when they aren't even people? I met this one penguin on my vacation, and he had the nerve to show me around his colony, cook up a nice meal of krill for me, and even show me a bootleg copy of the outtakes from March of the Penguins they had to keep out of the movie to avoid a NC-17 rating. <span style="font-style: italic;">It was probably the most fun I've ever had, and I never wanted to leave.</span><br /><br />Penguins, I'll tell you. Thank God I'm not a penguin. That would be totally not true. Thank God we're <span style="font-style: italic;">all</span> not penguins, right people?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com35tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-67162209907262434692009-09-23T11:50:00.000-07:002009-10-19T06:29:20.913-07:00Light Reading for a Brief Intermission<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0345518160?ie=UTF8&tag=fuyope-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0345518160">A review of the book by a penguin.</a><img alt="" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important;" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=fuyope-20&l=as2&o=1&a=0345518160" border="0" height="1" width="1" /> (Scroll down.)<br /><br /><a href="http://search.barnesandnoble.com/F-U-Penguin/Matthew-Gasteier/e/9780345518163/?itm=1&afsrc=1&lkid=J28122818&pubid=K212959&byo=1">A totally real interview that totally was with two people with yours truly.</a> (Click on the "Features" tab)<br /><br /><a href="http://www.borders.com/online/store/ArticleView_fupenguin">An in-depth roundtable with some of my subjects.</a> (Suck it, David Gregory.)<br /><br />Hopefully all will be back to normal next week. And don't forget to <a href="mailto:fupenguin@gmail.com">email me your photos</a>.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com61tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-49414840399461463502009-09-18T12:32:00.000-07:002009-09-18T13:50:51.523-07:00I'm not sorry, Australia<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQKzHKPyJIpm3TVHKlj4S0ThC51l6sCMB6Fwr5_5kh4Jiv_uCmlRlcrmaPTHzb6xppkxqPjQYB_XhURemTBVGPqgtz7iYspl3lpisXZpeCU4E2t9dVePgibE3dt9useysL3k0HV3nbDCU/s1600-h/02800008.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 365px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQKzHKPyJIpm3TVHKlj4S0ThC51l6sCMB6Fwr5_5kh4Jiv_uCmlRlcrmaPTHzb6xppkxqPjQYB_XhURemTBVGPqgtz7iYspl3lpisXZpeCU4E2t9dVePgibE3dt9useysL3k0HV3nbDCU/s400/02800008.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5373245658125324210" border="0" /></a><br />Jesus Christ, Australia. What. The. Fuck. I know I've made fun of you for your <a href="http://www.fupenguin.com/2009/02/inside-look-at-john-wayne-gacy-of-new.html">koala rampages</a>, your <a href="http://www.fupenguin.com/2008/12/just-say-no-to-kangaroos.html">lax marsupial drug policies</a>, and your <a href="http://www.fupenguin.com/2009/09/i-guess-any-asshole-gets-holiday-now.html">animal-related holidays</a>, but now it's pretty clear you were asking for it all along. You see, this is a brushtailed possum, caught in the act of eating a cookie in the backyard of an Australian residence. This possum sucks, obviously, and believe me there's no way I'm letting him get away with that pink nose and his little possum fingers. But, ummmm, Australia? WHY ARE YOU PUTTING COOKIES IN YOUR BACKYARDS? This is a classic case of Stockholm Syndrome, where Australians are the victims held captive by their kidnappers (mostly kangaroos desperate for another dime bag) and now they have fallen in love with the very animals that mean them harm.<br /><br />But Possum, really? I don't care if they left out cookies for you. You take them home and eat them on your couch while you watch TV or something. You don't just stand there in the dark eating cookies, Possum. Not only is that fucking weird and a small step above wearing sweat pants to work, it's basically asking for someone to come along and take a picture of you looking surprised, which is exactly how this ended up. So go ahead, eat your cookies. But leave me out of it, Possum, I don't need to see any of what's going on here.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com53tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-57246124421139722552009-09-16T05:26:00.000-07:002009-09-16T06:15:13.098-07:00Let's fucking do this<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrYq86FSJxZW_YG4B_9pKMVEjFcqk3oYQGeaVftPEv7YHD-cPSmwLdFlcDmmIvAR-yUijr8u0iAtFjitl7MbEyonzU3znoFbfwre4tr8JsfZOQ3j_dUlVy3R5b59FIhsnTNmnSg7NR_IQ/s1600-h/Dassie.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrYq86FSJxZW_YG4B_9pKMVEjFcqk3oYQGeaVftPEv7YHD-cPSmwLdFlcDmmIvAR-yUijr8u0iAtFjitl7MbEyonzU3znoFbfwre4tr8JsfZOQ3j_dUlVy3R5b59FIhsnTNmnSg7NR_IQ/s400/Dassie.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5381855390865098082" border="0"></a><br />You want a piece of me, Hyrax? I will fucking destroy you. Oh, your closest living relative is the elephant? An animal that is afraid of a mouse? Well guess what, pussy, I share a bunch of DNA with the chimpanzee. They don't even get mad, <a href="http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/science/article5877764.ece">they store that shit in their heads and make a plan, Hyrax.</a> And then they fucking play for keeps. Just like me, Hyrax. Just like me.<br /><br />So you think I'm afraid of your vampire teeth and poorly developed internal temperature regulation? No fucking way, Hyrax. So get a couple of your buddies, a makeshift knife, and some pillowcases and meet me in fifteen minutes. Because it's fucking on, Hyrax. <a href="http://animalorphanagekenya.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/hyrax_baby_tower.jpg">Oghadisthatababyonyou?</a> <a href="http://img2.allposters.com/images/NPLPOD/1112235.jpg">And another one?</a> How come they look so creepy and yet so disgustingly cute? WHAT DO THEY KNOW THAT I DON'T KNOW. Oh, no. <a href="http://www.zooborns.com/.a/6a010535647bf3970b011571270367970c-800wi">THEY ARE MULTIPLYING.</a><br /><br />You win this round, Hyrax. You can have my apple. Just don't let them bring western civilization to its knees.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com54tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-46985846873934097522009-09-11T08:15:00.000-07:002009-09-11T12:19:25.102-07:00I guess any asshole gets a holiday now<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwZBuqm7jfAUMZsBVKKvQR_jyOKCAoY8zDr9hceLfmAFV8bz8amU7whQ3TugMU2OqHP1Pxhkno9MuoLRlTJEX59om9LxaX867CW0nqyq3SNL_NkKKWetvX_khzwTmP7KfaFu8fTQNYVTQ/s1600-h/SWW_Bilby.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 260px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwZBuqm7jfAUMZsBVKKvQR_jyOKCAoY8zDr9hceLfmAFV8bz8amU7whQ3TugMU2OqHP1Pxhkno9MuoLRlTJEX59om9LxaX867CW0nqyq3SNL_NkKKWetvX_khzwTmP7KfaFu8fTQNYVTQ/s400/SWW_Bilby.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5380228843250175986" border="0" /></a><br />Great, I didn't even know the bilby existed and already it has <a href="http://www.savethebilbyfund.com/">a fucking national day in Australia</a>. Way to go Australia, I guess it wasn't enough to make up half of your fauna while you were high (wtf the koala?), you had to follow it up by highlighting all of your biggest mistakes.<br /><br />The worst part is this <a href="http://www.thewebsiteofeverything.com/weblog/images/bilby.jpg">fucking tool</a> is basically just a rat drawn by a New York sidewalk cartoonist. Having a pouch doesn't all of the sudden make everyone ignore the fact that you are standing like a bunny, peeking out of a tree like a squirrel, and puckering like a Grade A sleazebag, Bilby. AND WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT THE HEAD TILT. You know, Bilby, I'm only going to make ONE batch of sugar cookies in the shape of you in honor of your shitty day. <span style="font-style: italic;">That's not even going to be enough sugar cookies for everyone at the party that I'm throwing in your honor.</span> So suck on that.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com47tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-14057363809602217072009-09-09T10:46:00.000-07:002009-09-09T11:48:33.399-07:00Sea lions use flippers as an excuse<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqyStmJCmqdvmVXzIn_LdspA7kTkyExv6MvvXs7fivSt8qtIIftNXqAPEi0lLGd1l5jnU-GD0Pj5g2HvvhB2TKEJPdQjeEnUV4-FeNUV5TH6eY6hjwbVyTvA9m_6jXEuCAhp9w2wZN54c/s1600-h/baby+sea+lion.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqyStmJCmqdvmVXzIn_LdspA7kTkyExv6MvvXs7fivSt8qtIIftNXqAPEi0lLGd1l5jnU-GD0Pj5g2HvvhB2TKEJPdQjeEnUV4-FeNUV5TH6eY6hjwbVyTvA9m_6jXEuCAhp9w2wZN54c/s400/baby+sea+lion.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5373248306455095954" border="0" /></a><br />Not having normal arms and legs is no reason to avoid taking care of yourself, Sea Lion. The water is literally right there, would it have killed you to say to the photographer, "You know what? Hold on one second, I'm just going to wash off this sand that is <span style="font-style: italic;">covering my entire body</span>." I'll tell you one thing, there's no way my dad would have let you in his car in 1989.<br /><br />If you had just taken the time to make yourself halfway presentable, I wouldn't have such a serious problem with you. But instead, I want to hand wash all of the sand off of you and wrap you in a towel until you warm up. That is not fucking okay, Sea Lion. I have a reputation to uphold. So get your ass together, trim those fucking whiskers, and stop pretending like you're the king of the ocean just because you happen to be named after a lion. IT'S JUST A NAME, SEA LION, YOU HAVE TO LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE. You don't get to avoid pulling yourself up with your own bootstraps just because you wouldn't be able to wear boots.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com43tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-70273533984246692192009-09-02T08:04:00.000-07:002009-09-04T06:56:11.470-07:00Stay away from my family, Gerenuk<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.despines.com/pictures/Animals/Mammals/Antelope/Gerenuk/mammals2.html"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 267px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvM16trVUeEyLX4X_nPSjVlZzLdioHUh4-j7qxpXClmc8b0NIaFNMTLTK78O9yFP9HsuX3iMaTog_jsTT7hW5RztEVMKvtxTtd1z8F0yUNWSqiOamQfFlP5hPhaNs8x3bKunPwatmSNU8/s400/Gerenuk-2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5376888663320145122" border="0" /></a><br />What is it about weird antelopes? Gerenuk, you are so adorable, yet so terrifying, like a Disney character that ends up torturing Bambi's mother while Bambi watches. You have a normal torso, but other than that I am creeped out by literally everything else about you.<br /><br />It's the head that really gets me, though. You could have weirdly long legs, a bushy mohawk tail, a weirdly thin, long neck, and ears with pitchfork marks inside of them, and if you had a normal-sized head, I would be like, "Touché." But your head basically makes me want to write my congressman about starting a government agency to monitor your movements and make sure you haven't started any international money laundering networks to pay for your secret takeover of my brain. So just keep eating from that tree, hold your hooves where I can see them, and don't appear in any movies where you can talk in a funny voice, Gerenuk. I wouldn't want to have to do anything we'd both regret.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com58tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-20703046199625069102009-08-31T10:08:00.000-07:002010-09-26T10:40:22.202-07:00I can't tell if you're doing that ironically<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5NGbD0k9CdYY2F9S4DblpADAvcniSBtaolDsYHlJYo5ZBvnFg7yE6aT52SaWiGLJ0MGA1hfgveDVZpdXAfw12co8eWFqK8wBw42TC7q3n1FP0W20RI-nDjicq4TOtjjtQeFLJlvTtAPg/s1600-h/photo.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5NGbD0k9CdYY2F9S4DblpADAvcniSBtaolDsYHlJYo5ZBvnFg7yE6aT52SaWiGLJ0MGA1hfgveDVZpdXAfw12co8eWFqK8wBw42TC7q3n1FP0W20RI-nDjicq4TOtjjtQeFLJlvTtAPg/s400/photo.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5373238330049106994" border="0" /></a><br />
What's with the stupid pose, Cat? I'm sure you think you are just headed for the Sears catalog now... or you are making fun of people who are headed for the Sears catalog. I'm going to be honest with you, Cat, you look like a total loser, so I really hope this isn't your laid-back-but-sophisticated look.<br />
<br />
On the other hand, if you're really trying to make an ironic statement about funny photo portraits in a turn-of-the-century trucker-hat kind of way, then a. I hate you and b. <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE-XKn_WZREkEYoaHIEQVDwaAVM50Q8h6RsRMpFEXjMRKj1Wlzn9gM_1PFDU3h2xRQe5GQEe4OxYEhfoTNzAt1TFHnHZ-KX2azPFhTRvH_uU_UWYsuWWrRulzz35Wxr6EX_m_PlKhMLO4/s1600-h/Lazer+Cat.jpg">you really should have gone all the way</a>. So either way, fuck you, Cat. The hours of Photoshop I will get out of you cannot heal the part of my soul you have destroyed. But I will try, Cat. I. will. try.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com60tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-12702230808023078172009-08-28T07:13:00.000-07:002009-08-28T08:04:39.572-07:00Hey, have you guys seen this picture?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg64pCb-2w2lJHYQIbjqU_gnEFWh8yScstGNRVJpxnuN9g_60G5fVKAgzkZykmLCU71T1OLA6lbvM1ZH-Wkl2M474-UTnIkP3gvJrrMg6vxhwc5s-AMuJwScfFINem1Ce9_LS3YMnnYCb0/s1600-h/420squirrel-420x0.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg64pCb-2w2lJHYQIbjqU_gnEFWh8yScstGNRVJpxnuN9g_60G5fVKAgzkZykmLCU71T1OLA6lbvM1ZH-Wkl2M474-UTnIkP3gvJrrMg6vxhwc5s-AMuJwScfFINem1Ce9_LS3YMnnYCb0/s400/420squirrel-420x0.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5373354646530987234" border="0" /></a><br />I've generally let teh internet off with a warning when it comes to distributing cute animal pictures. But I want you to know I am VERY disappointed in all of you, people. What could possibly be worth sacrificing your independence and ruining your friend's day? Did this squirrel tell you to forward this to seven people or your vagina would fall off? VAGINAS CAN'T FALL OFF, PEOPLE. And can someone explain to me <a href="http://www.examiner.com/x-15742-Cincinnati-Pop-Culture-Examiner%7Ey2009m8d18-Squirrel-pops-up-in-vacation-photo">HOW</a> <a href="http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32444890/ns/today-today_pets_and_animals/">THE FUCK</a> <a href="http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5jrofWyiU5So47yqzQXYKTYcySspg">THIS IS</a> <a href="http://www.cnbc.com/id/32492654/">NEWS</a>?<br /><br />Fucking squirrels, people. Do you realize how many vacation photos I have ruined by jumping in front of the camera of complete strangers? Do you know how many of those photos have become internet sensations? The answers, respectively, are a lot and fucking zero. But this fucking jerk-off, THE PARIS HILTON OF THE SQUIRREL COMMUNITY, pops up in one picture with his top off and all of the sudden he gets to <a href="http://www.rantrave.com/userimages/posts/3345_Medium.jpg">go to the moon</a> and <a href="http://www.comedycentral.com/tosh.0/files/2009/08/crasher-squirrel.jpg">meet Abraham Lincoln</a>. Well, fuck you, squirrel, looking mystified by simple technology that's been around for a fucking century does not impress me, even if you've conned the rest of the world.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com52tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-1971319062319327162009-08-26T05:40:00.000-07:002009-08-26T05:41:55.502-07:00Lucky? More like crafty.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLiWj0RHXmVLCQYNUZGT7cqt1U9a8-iOCknIlsGR6TRWCvoPWyfh6wWogrfgiX4oxctj24tcRiCtvkdVzGHy1FHq_ELDCabQwF756V_1BTwyBcIpw60IeC-65ZVsPH9hF4W0J2n-O-d6A/s1600-h/lucky+duck.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 343px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLiWj0RHXmVLCQYNUZGT7cqt1U9a8-iOCknIlsGR6TRWCvoPWyfh6wWogrfgiX4oxctj24tcRiCtvkdVzGHy1FHq_ELDCabQwF756V_1BTwyBcIpw60IeC-65ZVsPH9hF4W0J2n-O-d6A/s400/lucky+duck.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5373689137603135650" /></a><br />Look at this son of a bitch. Look in his eyes. He knows exactly what he's doing. Oh, I've read <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1205853/Lucky-duckling-takes-step-right-direction.html?ITO=1490">the article</a> about Lucky the Duck. I know he claims to have had an "accident" that led to him suddenly becoming famous overnight. I might even have believed him. UNTIL I SAW THIS:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWEtB74zFRn0xv8t63LPv-yoSlYhwsypnFY7ErB5FY3HEE2PDcTPMVLdrQXNDC_y9HKs98mmCSvePCJE_QHnNKnOQrSPOpY9bsV6zqGQ1GoLfGFe2mx2wUKqZsmf_ganDTIZnF38o2IeQ/s1600-h/lucky+turtle.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 208px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWEtB74zFRn0xv8t63LPv-yoSlYhwsypnFY7ErB5FY3HEE2PDcTPMVLdrQXNDC_y9HKs98mmCSvePCJE_QHnNKnOQrSPOpY9bsV6zqGQ1GoLfGFe2mx2wUKqZsmf_ganDTIZnF38o2IeQ/s400/lucky+turtle.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5373691877831829538" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Another leg problem?</span> This time on a turtle? <a href="http://www.pressdemocrat.com/article/20090821/ARTICLES/908219932/1349?Title=Lucky-gets-new-legs">CONVENIENTLY ALSO NAMED LUCKY?!?</a> This is my favorite part:<br /><blockquote>A key question is why Lucky — whose species is named for its ability to enclose itself entirely within its shell — was vulnerable to the attack in the first place.</blockquote>Um, I don't know, maybe BECAUSE THE TURTLE MADE A DEAL?? This is clearly some kind of mass conspiracy organized around animals named Lucky convincing area handymen to throw something together for them in order to get into the local paper and be emailed to me. Well your luck just ran the FUCK out, you inappropriately legged, sneaky-eyed bastards. Stop trying to make me feel sorry for you, the jig's up. I heard the Associated Press just lost your fucking number.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com41tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-4592865570329165572009-08-25T05:17:00.000-07:002009-08-25T05:25:34.239-07:00One small step for me. One giant leap for you.<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4f1tvEl1cZ6-AYROnpebhRLJenCw2XB1pFsvcRPQdKH83wKt9MfBgPQkfZep7x9w22aVxbr8Mrn3iql5W3SmYPm9OL_LY1IrKUnBZpUPTbNQ2JRsZQB4tPR6VhVL6OK62KUac5A6xLFo/s1600-h/80676611.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 392px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4f1tvEl1cZ6-AYROnpebhRLJenCw2XB1pFsvcRPQdKH83wKt9MfBgPQkfZep7x9w22aVxbr8Mrn3iql5W3SmYPm9OL_LY1IrKUnBZpUPTbNQ2JRsZQB4tPR6VhVL6OK62KUac5A6xLFo/s400/80676611.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5373710846572515154" border="0" /></a>^^Penguins are sad. You are happy.^^<br /></div><br />It's here. Rejoice.<br /><br />Twenty years ago, in the early years of this blog, I commemorated the release of my book in a 17,000 word essay. I think it is even more relevant now than it was twenty years ago.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.fupenguin.com/1989/08/photo-essay-about-release-of-fu-penguin.html">Click here to read this insightful piece.</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-15939934461207141952009-08-24T05:52:00.000-07:002009-08-24T06:44:53.607-07:00Beavers think they're so fucking clever<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS1jao3TrutmeTXlf187eFyOFh1X1spjaGUXsNmc2QpAYJautCdnVA7NXTPNOUl6Oo7YzmNVqlNSXO26SGwOnbdvLrj4qpdGyoQ-mbPTjItub68s_g39m9PJ-I5RqF8MVZMwBv13Pcm-s/s1600-h/beaver.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 263px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS1jao3TrutmeTXlf187eFyOFh1X1spjaGUXsNmc2QpAYJautCdnVA7NXTPNOUl6Oo7YzmNVqlNSXO26SGwOnbdvLrj4qpdGyoQ-mbPTjItub68s_g39m9PJ-I5RqF8MVZMwBv13Pcm-s/s400/beaver.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5373343064303151410" /></a><br />If there's one thing I hate, it's animals that try to live their lives like high-concept performance pieces. I bet this beaver literally shit his pants when he saw this sign (which is most likely why he is not wearing pants). "Oh man," he probably thought to himself, <a href="http://www.fupenguin.com/2008/12/this-beaver-is-clearly-up-to-something.html">tapping his fingers together</a>, "it says no feeding. But the sign's post is <span style="font-style:italic;">made out of wood</span>. This is going to be better than the time I made a dam out of copies of Salmon Rushdie's The Satanic Verses."<br /><br />Well guess what, fucker? TIME MAGAZINE SAID IRONY DIED LIKE EIGHT YEARS AGO. So you are completely behind the times, and your little stunt looks more like a fucking joke now. Time to go back to the drawing board, Beaver. Next time, there better be a sharper exploration of the existential plight of rodents, or I'm not coming back.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">--Do you think this is a real beaver, or did the beaver replace himself with a replica to signify the out-of-body experiences we all live with on a daily basis? Join the controversial debate in the comment section!--</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com47tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-32542806712194450432009-08-21T05:35:00.000-07:002009-08-21T05:40:56.341-07:00The Ten Best Things About FU, Penguin: The Book<div style="text-align: center;">**Shameless Self-Promotion Week**<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgBcyiX7q0AE0YOjBtNsc-jspkwy39qCQGzmnoeYZlq4OfpfSXlTNtZbYRC_0VUuoqY2MRJmp27ycUKjl3ysJ-7yTc8chnJeNePFGe5NvfOB2mxMe48OXJkrN4gEH3YLX0Dvf4zFWod1U/s1600-h/penguin+cover.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgBcyiX7q0AE0YOjBtNsc-jspkwy39qCQGzmnoeYZlq4OfpfSXlTNtZbYRC_0VUuoqY2MRJmp27ycUKjl3ysJ-7yTc8chnJeNePFGe5NvfOB2mxMe48OXJkrN4gEH3YLX0Dvf4zFWod1U/s400/penguin+cover.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5370216027009557218" border="0" /></a><br /></div><br />I've been getting a lot of emails this week from people asking me things like, "Do you have any plans for a book?" and "When are you going to make a book?!" Well, the answers are "Yes" and "Right now!" As a handy guide for readers of the blog who aren't yet aware of this HUGE development (biggest news story of the summer, much?) I have put together this list of the ten best things about Fuck You, Penguin's foray into the printed word.<br /><br />1. ALL YOUR FAVORITE POSTS: The greatest hits with full color photos so you can take them anywhere and spread the gospel.<br /><br />2. BRAND NEW MATERIAL: A third of the posts are totally exclusive to the book. This means you can say to your friends, "Hey, did you see that Lemur post," and they will be like "Yeah," and then you'll be like "No, not that one, the one from the book," and then they will go and buy the book, too! (Better for me than you.)<br /><br />3. LITTLE TO NO CHANCE OF THE BOOK CARRYING SWINE FLU: We've listened to the feedback from fans, and eliminated the Swine Flu element of the book. This book is now 99-100% Swine Flu free - guaranteed!<br /><br />4. FACTS ABOUT ANIMALS: Each post has ball-shattering revelations about the animals you can't get anywhere else. For example, did you know that penguins never use their turn-signals? <span style="font-style: italic;">This is the shit you need to know in order to survive in today's fast-paced economy.</span><br /><br />5. THE BEST GIFT SINCE LIFE: Giving this book as a gift to your friend, family member, co-worker, pet, fellow commuter, teacher, student, or Oprah is like giving birth to that person. They will be so grateful that they may come to look at you as some kind of god that has ushered in a new era of enlightenment. <span style="font-style: italic;">This is when you have the unique opportunity to take advantage of their goodwill.</span> You're welcome.<br /><br />6. HITLER WOULD FUCKING HATE THIS BOOK: I sent this book to a number of scholars who have spent their lives studying Hitler and the Third Reich, and they assured me that Hitler would have found this book to be a threat to Aryan superiority. What's that? You didn't pre-order a copy of the book yet? YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING NAZI, ARE YOU?!<br /><br />7. EXCLUSIVE INTRODUCTIONS GALORE: I introduce so much shit in this book it isn't even funny. IN FACT, IT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS. Ever wanted to know how I created this site? BUY THE FUCKING BOOK.<br /><br />8. THRILLING SECTIONS: An entire ALL-NEW penguin section! Domestic Animals! UGLY ANIMALS! FUCK YOU, PENGUIN THE EARLY YEARS!!!!11!!!1<br /><br />9. I WROTE THIS BOOK: That means the more copies get sold, the more money I make. Don't you want to make me happy? All I want is to make you happy. Why can't you just let me make you happy?<br /><br />10. A LIST OF TEN REASONS SOUNDS BETTER THAN NINE.<br /><br />Remember: it is always a good idea to lose your first copy of any book so you have to buy another copy in order to read it. Now go forth!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0345518160?ie=UTF8&tag=fuyope-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0345518160">Buy at Amazon</a><img alt="" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important;" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=fuyope-20&l=as2&o=1&a=0345518160" border="0" height="1" width="1" /><br /><a href="http://search.barnesandnoble.com/F-U-Penguin/Matthew-Gasteier/e/9780345518163/?itm=1&afsrc=1&lkid=J28122818&pubid=K212959&byo=1">Buy at Barnes and Noble</a><br /><a href="http://www.borders.com/online/store/TitleDetail?sku=0345518160">Buy at Borders</a><br /><a href="http://www.indiebound.org/book/9780345518163">Buy at Indie Bound.</a></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1531398979645027744.post-68193208543452698832009-08-20T04:58:00.000-07:002009-08-20T05:37:51.481-07:00A very special Thursday note<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPl7uf28AgicYatZEkWOsJBCAI5LmXcixIUOExb3TQ3iFUMFBaDvqE9Ae_vLwMXS59dThqP7Tw8kSFI1v3xgt0q_aOEhBa1h0ULYV634lS8gyoQTkn9t2_1MdxVixSqkSshAWXgrJlkBs/s1600-h/gorilla-deep-in-thought.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 298px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPl7uf28AgicYatZEkWOsJBCAI5LmXcixIUOExb3TQ3iFUMFBaDvqE9Ae_vLwMXS59dThqP7Tw8kSFI1v3xgt0q_aOEhBa1h0ULYV634lS8gyoQTkn9t2_1MdxVixSqkSshAWXgrJlkBs/s400/gorilla-deep-in-thought.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5371835222641801394" /></a><p><br />Good Thursday, people. I'm sure you are all wondering why you are hearing from Fuck You, Penguin today, so let me explain and calm your beating heart. I've been getting some pushback on shameless self-promotion week, with a number of people wondering just how necessary it is since I've basically cornered the market on books about cursing at animals at this point and I'm in perfect position to eventually become the required summer reading in between tenth and eleventh grade at high schools nationwide. So I just wanted to address the concerns. First of all, while some people have expressed mild skepticism, I have also gotten an enormous positive response that has gone largely untold in the cute-focused media. Here is just one randomly selected email out of the literally HUNDREDS I send myself EVERY DAY praising the shameless self-promotion week:<br /><br />Dear FU, Penguin,<br /><br />Holy shit! We're loving the shameless self-promotion week over here! If you keep selling this book so well, we are all going to be filthy rich! WE WILL LITERALLY HAVE TO SHIELD OURSELVES FROM ALL THE LOSERS WHO DO NOT HAVE MONEY!!!!!</p><p style="text-indent: 40px;">Love,</p><p style="text-indent: 50px;">Your Corporate Overlords</p><p>See? By all accounts, this has been a crushing success. Second, and most important, I hope you all realize that shameless self-promotion week is for you people! It has always been about you people. You see, I just named it shameless self-promotion week in order to avoid patting myself on the back for doing such a selfless thing for you. You are all very welcome, and don't worry about it if you didn't see at first how nice I was being. I didn't see it at first either.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">This very special Thursday edition of Fuck You, Penguin has been brought to you without commercial interruptions by FU, Penguin. "FU, Penguin: You've Only Bought One Copy?"</span></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com20