At least I exist, pretty boy

>>FANTASY ANIMAL WEEK<<

What makes you so great, Unicorn? It just seems like you are a horse with some superglue, big fucking deal. Oh you're on posters all over the walls of pre-teen girls? Seriously, Unicorn, how's that working out for Corey Haim? And the fact that you can neutralize poison with your horn, DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO ONLY EXIST IN DREAMS.

By the way, the director's cut of Blade Runner? Were you only in that because of some contractual obligation? It made no sense, Unicorn. You need to have a serious conversation with your agent.

I actually feel bad for this guy

We place a lot of blame on the animals on this blog, and yeah, this dude has his tail curled up over his body and he's fitting on the top of a rose which basically makes me want to JUMP UP AND DOWN AND RUN INTO THE STREET WAVING A GUN SHOUTING "IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS."

But the truth is the dormouse didn't fall asleep in the rose, he was put there by the photographer, a person he thought was his friend. They were having a late night hanging out, and the dormouse had a little too much to drink and fell asleep. At first the other guys were doing stupid shit like putting Cheetos all over him and putting his hand in warm water so he would wet the bed, but then this one dude came up with the idea to curl up his tail and sit him in the middle of a rose. Now he's an internet sensation, and next month he is going on the market for a ladyfriend. Do you really think with stuff like this out there, it's going to be easy to find someone who respects him?

Not cool, photographer. Not fucking cool.

Tapirs always fail to turn on the charm

Oh, Tapir. Tapir, Tapir, Tapir. I can't possibly imagine what could be funny enough to forget that you are a giant pound of grayish black blubber with a cone head and a nose with nostrils so large if you zoom in on them they look like a monkey's face. So you must be smiling like that because you think it's going to make me like you.

Well, Tapir, it's not going to work on me. Not today, NOT EVER. So stop following me with your nose, Tapir, PREHENSILE NOSES ARE FOR ELEPHANTS. Talk to me when you can conceive of altruism and make paintings, asshole.

You've got some real balls, Wallaby

Who do you think you are, Wallaby, a fucking kangaroo? And guess what, asshole, PIGMENT IS NOT OPTIONAL. I don't know what gives you the nerve to hop over here and plop your fat ass down for everyone to see, but you better hop back to whatever pre-existence paint shop you came from and step into the modern day. Marsupials have long utilized everything from light brown to gray, so join the fucking party.

You also literally have large balls, BUT THAT IS UNRELATED TO YOUR BRAZEN DISREGARD FOR THE SOCIAL MORES OF POLITE SOCIETY.

No.

Honestly, Axolotl, if you don't stop existing right now, I'm going to tear my eyes out and then eat them, in the hope that this would somehow be so traumatic that I would never have to think about you ever again. You might finally put the whole intelligent design argument to rest. (Does anyone really want to think about God doing acid?) On the other hand, I can't possibly think of an evolutionary reason for you to look so ridiculous, you amphibious motherfucker. Are you trying to blend into a Keith Haring painting?

Just because you have a weird looking smiley face where a normal face should be doesn't mean I'm gonna ignore the fact that you can't even metamorphosize your crazy ass. EPIC EVOLUTIONARY FAIL, AXOLOTL. Maybe you should think a little less about creeping people the fuck out and a little more about stimulating your thyroid. You probably make the best argument ever to stay out of the water. I'll take my quarter of the earth's surface, Axolotl, now leave me the fuck alone.

Start fucking, Donkey

AHHHHHHGH. There is a long-haired donkey, and it's named the baudet de poitou? Ho. Lee. Shit. How can there only be 400 of you cute little fuckers!?! This is a serious problem, seeing as I personally need 400 of you. You better find a mate and start knocking boots, Donkey, so you can start sprouting up like American Apparels. I don't understand how you can be such prudes, seeing as you are French. What, are you saving yourself for the right donkey? YOU AREN'T WEARING A FUCKING PROMISE RING, ARE YOU DONKEY? BECAUSE I AM GOING TO BE SERIOUSLY UPSET. Anyway, stop being so picky, you're a donkey. This is serious business, Donkey. Make it happen.

Is it just me, or are baby animals really being dicks recently?

I had a thought last night, Baby Elephant, and it involved you pulling out all the stops to get me on your side. That thought was that I hate you, Baby Elephant. All you do is stand in your African shangri-la with your trunk and your ears and your little baby elephant smile, and I'm just supposed to sit here in my crumbling empire and take it. It seems like you aren't alone, either, as baby animals everywhere are really taking a turn for the worse. Well guess what, Baby Elephant, I'm not going to let you use the fact that you are a minor as an excuse for your shitty behavior. I know you think you're a star but put the fucking ears away, YOU AREN'T DUMBO, BABY ELEPHANT. If you are going to act like a hardened criminal, it's time you learn the cold hard truths of the world.

And yeah, I know you thought you could get away with it because I already did elephants, but fuck you, they're my rules and I can break them whenever the fuck I want.

P.S. Don't even think about growing up to be friends with a dog, you cynical media whore. And if you do, and the dog gets a spinal cord injury, WALK AWAY.