I can't tell if you're doing that ironically

What's with the stupid pose, Cat? I'm sure you think you are just headed for the Sears catalog now... or you are making fun of people who are headed for the Sears catalog. I'm going to be honest with you, Cat, you look like a total loser, so I really hope this isn't your laid-back-but-sophisticated look.

On the other hand, if you're really trying to make an ironic statement about funny photo portraits in a turn-of-the-century trucker-hat kind of way, then a. I hate you and b. you really should have gone all the way. So either way, fuck you, Cat. The hours of Photoshop I will get out of you cannot heal the part of my soul you have destroyed. But I will try, Cat. I. will. try.

Hey, have you guys seen this picture?

I've generally let teh internet off with a warning when it comes to distributing cute animal pictures. But I want you to know I am VERY disappointed in all of you, people. What could possibly be worth sacrificing your independence and ruining your friend's day? Did this squirrel tell you to forward this to seven people or your vagina would fall off? VAGINAS CAN'T FALL OFF, PEOPLE. And can someone explain to me HOW THE FUCK THIS IS NEWS?

Fucking squirrels, people. Do you realize how many vacation photos I have ruined by jumping in front of the camera of complete strangers? Do you know how many of those photos have become internet sensations? The answers, respectively, are a lot and fucking zero. But this fucking jerk-off, THE PARIS HILTON OF THE SQUIRREL COMMUNITY, pops up in one picture with his top off and all of the sudden he gets to go to the moon and meet Abraham Lincoln. Well, fuck you, squirrel, looking mystified by simple technology that's been around for a fucking century does not impress me, even if you've conned the rest of the world.

Lucky? More like crafty.

Look at this son of a bitch. Look in his eyes. He knows exactly what he's doing. Oh, I've read the article about Lucky the Duck. I know he claims to have had an "accident" that led to him suddenly becoming famous overnight. I might even have believed him. UNTIL I SAW THIS:



Another leg problem? This time on a turtle? CONVENIENTLY ALSO NAMED LUCKY?!? This is my favorite part:

A key question is why Lucky — whose species is named for its ability to enclose itself entirely within its shell — was vulnerable to the attack in the first place.

Um, I don't know, maybe BECAUSE THE TURTLE MADE A DEAL?? This is clearly some kind of mass conspiracy organized around animals named Lucky convincing area handymen to throw something together for them in order to get into the local paper and be emailed to me. Well your luck just ran the FUCK out, you inappropriately legged, sneaky-eyed bastards. Stop trying to make me feel sorry for you, the jig's up. I heard the Associated Press just lost your fucking number.

One small step for me. One giant leap for you.

^^Penguins are sad. You are happy.^^

It's here. Rejoice.

Twenty years ago, in the early years of this blog, I commemorated the release of my book in a 17,000 word essay. I think it is even more relevant now than it was twenty years ago.

Click here to read this insightful piece.

Beavers think they're so fucking clever

If there's one thing I hate, it's animals that try to live their lives like high-concept performance pieces. I bet this beaver literally shit his pants when he saw this sign (which is most likely why he is not wearing pants). "Oh man," he probably thought to himself, tapping his fingers together, "it says no feeding. But the sign's post is made out of wood. This is going to be better than the time I made a dam out of copies of Salmon Rushdie's The Satanic Verses."

Well guess what, fucker? TIME MAGAZINE SAID IRONY DIED LIKE EIGHT YEARS AGO. So you are completely behind the times, and your little stunt looks more like a fucking joke now. Time to go back to the drawing board, Beaver. Next time, there better be a sharper exploration of the existential plight of rodents, or I'm not coming back.

--Do you think this is a real beaver, or did the beaver replace himself with a replica to signify the out-of-body experiences we all live with on a daily basis? Join the controversial debate in the comment section!--

The Ten Best Things About FU, Penguin: The Book

**Shameless Self-Promotion Week**

I've been getting a lot of emails this week from people asking me things like, "Do you have any plans for a book?" and "When are you going to make a book?!" Well, the answers are "Yes" and "Right now!" As a handy guide for readers of the blog who aren't yet aware of this HUGE development (biggest news story of the summer, much?) I have put together this list of the ten best things about Fuck You, Penguin's foray into the printed word.

1. ALL YOUR FAVORITE POSTS: The greatest hits with full color photos so you can take them anywhere and spread the gospel.

2. BRAND NEW MATERIAL: A third of the posts are totally exclusive to the book. This means you can say to your friends, "Hey, did you see that Lemur post," and they will be like "Yeah," and then you'll be like "No, not that one, the one from the book," and then they will go and buy the book, too! (Better for me than you.)

3. LITTLE TO NO CHANCE OF THE BOOK CARRYING SWINE FLU: We've listened to the feedback from fans, and eliminated the Swine Flu element of the book. This book is now 99-100% Swine Flu free - guaranteed!

4. FACTS ABOUT ANIMALS: Each post has ball-shattering revelations about the animals you can't get anywhere else. For example, did you know that penguins never use their turn-signals? This is the shit you need to know in order to survive in today's fast-paced economy.

5. THE BEST GIFT SINCE LIFE: Giving this book as a gift to your friend, family member, co-worker, pet, fellow commuter, teacher, student, or Oprah is like giving birth to that person. They will be so grateful that they may come to look at you as some kind of god that has ushered in a new era of enlightenment. This is when you have the unique opportunity to take advantage of their goodwill. You're welcome.

6. HITLER WOULD FUCKING HATE THIS BOOK: I sent this book to a number of scholars who have spent their lives studying Hitler and the Third Reich, and they assured me that Hitler would have found this book to be a threat to Aryan superiority. What's that? You didn't pre-order a copy of the book yet? YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING NAZI, ARE YOU?!

7. EXCLUSIVE INTRODUCTIONS GALORE: I introduce so much shit in this book it isn't even funny. IN FACT, IT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS. Ever wanted to know how I created this site? BUY THE FUCKING BOOK.

8. THRILLING SECTIONS: An entire ALL-NEW penguin section! Domestic Animals! UGLY ANIMALS! FUCK YOU, PENGUIN THE EARLY YEARS!!!!11!!!1

9. I WROTE THIS BOOK: That means the more copies get sold, the more money I make. Don't you want to make me happy? All I want is to make you happy. Why can't you just let me make you happy?

10. A LIST OF TEN REASONS SOUNDS BETTER THAN NINE.

Remember: it is always a good idea to lose your first copy of any book so you have to buy another copy in order to read it. Now go forth!

Buy at Amazon
Buy at Barnes and Noble
Buy at Borders
Buy at Indie Bound.

A very special Thursday note

Good Thursday, people. I'm sure you are all wondering why you are hearing from Fuck You, Penguin today, so let me explain and calm your beating heart. I've been getting some pushback on shameless self-promotion week, with a number of people wondering just how necessary it is since I've basically cornered the market on books about cursing at animals at this point and I'm in perfect position to eventually become the required summer reading in between tenth and eleventh grade at high schools nationwide. So I just wanted to address the concerns. First of all, while some people have expressed mild skepticism, I have also gotten an enormous positive response that has gone largely untold in the cute-focused media. Here is just one randomly selected email out of the literally HUNDREDS I send myself EVERY DAY praising the shameless self-promotion week:

Dear FU, Penguin,

Holy shit! We're loving the shameless self-promotion week over here! If you keep selling this book so well, we are all going to be filthy rich! WE WILL LITERALLY HAVE TO SHIELD OURSELVES FROM ALL THE LOSERS WHO DO NOT HAVE MONEY!!!!!

Love,

Your Corporate Overlords

See? By all accounts, this has been a crushing success. Second, and most important, I hope you all realize that shameless self-promotion week is for you people! It has always been about you people. You see, I just named it shameless self-promotion week in order to avoid patting myself on the back for doing such a selfless thing for you. You are all very welcome, and don't worry about it if you didn't see at first how nice I was being. I didn't see it at first either.

This very special Thursday edition of Fuck You, Penguin has been brought to you without commercial interruptions by FU, Penguin. "FU, Penguin: You've Only Bought One Copy?"