Squirrels that try to be productive members of society can suck it

You little fucker, you think you can just fucking waltz into our lives like nothing ever happened, but I know your kind, Squirrel. I turn my back for one second and you are causing power outages and breaking the noses of Finnish opera singers. So just go back to being hunched over nibbling on an acorn in my backyard, because you can stand there waiting for an invitation to my Christmas party all you want, IT'S NOT GOING TO COME. You may have found my weakness for animals that stand on two legs, but I'm smarter than you, Squirrel. And I will defeat you.

Platypus: the ultimate buzz-kill

What. The. Fuck. I don't even know what to say, Platypus. YOU MAKE NO SENSE. You're like some kind of anti-drug message, designed to make high people totally freak the fuck out. You are so weird, Platypus, that they don't even have a universally agreed-upon word for the plural form of you. That's because if you see two of these animals(?) together, the fabric of space and time will literally tear apart. Remind me to never close my eyes again, Platypus, you duck-billed asshole.

Moose are the biggest dorks ever

Obviously, Moose, you don't have a mirror to practice your smile, because you seriously look like a total vagina right now. You are very lucky moose do not have to go to school, since you would get your ass kicked, like, every day. And what kind of wild animal smiles at a camera? You are supposed to be a badass that roams the forest beating up other moose and cars that look at you funny, not Cindy fucking Crawford. Man up, Moose.

Camels are played out

Come on, Camel. We both know those aren't real, so why don't you get that fucking smirk off your face, stop fucking with everyone, and take off those bizarre humps. Yeah, I know you think it's funny, and maybe it was for the first hundred years. Now it's just getting lame. Seriously, Camel, you might as well go around using words like "bling" and writing articles about metrosexuals and cougars. WELCOME TO 2008, CAMEL. Like you aren't weird looking enough anyway, Jesus Christ.

Seals are always looking for a handout

This seal can obviously see I am eating a Fruit Leather at the moment (apple) and expects me to give him some. Honestly, I think this seal must be stupid, because there is no fucking way I am going to give my fruit leather, which I work hard every day to pay for, to a GODDAMNED, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING SEAL just because he looks at me with giant droopy eyes when I know damn well all he does all day is lounge around on rocks getting fat. Besides, a. I already finished the fruit leather, and b. he didn't give me any kind of home address where I could send it even if I still had some. So go eat a fish or something, Seal. Stop expecting everyone else to pick up your slack.

Oh, now orange isn't cute enough?

What the hell do you think you are doing, Tiger? You are destroying my ability to function as a responsible member of society what with your extremely rare and yet equally extremely cute little appearance. At this point in life you have two choices: grow the fuck up and dye your hair orange like a NORMAL FUCKING TIGER or just jam a knife into my skull and put an end to my misery. Dammit, Tiger. I literally hate you.

Hippo charm is a fucking joke

Don't be coy, you fucking semi-aquatic jerk. Your dashing good looks and slightly tilted head are not going to work on me. And what's with the one foot forward? Are you in a beauty pageant or something? Cause I got news for you: THE ZEBRA IS GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS. Stay humble, Hippo. No one likes a show-off.