Someone get this fat fuck a carrot.

Hey Prairie dog, I didn't realize donuts were native to the grasslands of North America! You're so fat, you make a capybara look like an African pygmy mouse!

Seriously, though, Prairie dog. You are really fat. This makes it very difficult for me, because the fact that your feet aren't touching the ground and your arms are kind of hanging down on your fat folds is fucking cute as shit. Am I supposed to feel bad for you? Is this what you wanted, Prairie dog? Damn you and your scheming ways.

Elephants never forget to be total show offs

What's that, Elephant? You have a large trunk? I had no idea, because it's not like you are putting it DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF MY FUCKING FACE. You know, I'm pretty tall, too. I can reach the top shelf in my kitchen. I also spray water out of my nose to bathe myself practically every day. So please, stop pretending that just because you can do math and recognize your buddies you should get a fucking Presidential Medal of Honor. Hey, there's Jim, with four other friends whom I recognize, which makes five people total. NOT THAT HARD ELEPHANT, STEP YOUR GAME UP.

Do you believe this preemptive little fucker?

Apparently this photo has been floating around the internet for some time, presumably under the assumption that Fuck You, Penguin would rise to internet dominance and come looking for the anteater. Well, this douchebag's suspicions were dead on, because clearly he thinks he's making heads turn. I mean, seriously, Anteater, what's with the pose? Are you in a sports montage? Or are you mid-clap in an (undoubtedly lame) rendition of "Hey Jude"? You know what, who gives a shit? At least I pick food that doesn't involve sticking my tongue into the ground, you dirty son of a bitch.

Fuck me, anteater? No no, FUCK YOU.

Laziest. Animal. Ever.

Sloth, get off your fucking ass and get down out of that tree. I don't care if it is practically impossible for you to walk on the ground, you've been sleeping for nearly a full day now and you promised you would start looking for a job this morning. WELL IT'S ALMOST TWO IN THE FUCKING AFTERNOON. And have you taken a shower recently? Your hair looks like it is literally made out of straw.

Goddamn, Sloth, you are the most appropriately named little fucker of all time.

Red "Panda" trying to steal panda thunder

Ummm... Excuse me? Red Panda? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TRYING TO FOOL. This is a panda, you little sneaky jerk-off. Just because you are holding bamboo doesn't make you a panda, BELIEVE ME, I'VE TRIED. You are a fox or a raccoon, or some kind of rodent or something.

Where did you have this picture taken anyway, Sears? Are you that desperate to prevent your species from total annihilation? AND STOP TAKING UP SO MUCH MEMORY WHEN I OPEN MULTIPLE TABS.

Just say no to kangaroos

Oh, I get it, Kangaroo. You're just hanging out, right? I bet if I asked you what you were doing, you would probably say you were "chillaxin'" or something. You probably think you look pretty cool, but I know better, Kangaroo, because YOU ARE AS A HIGH AS A KITE RIGHT NOW.

Kangaroo, did you ever stop to think about the kids? Do you ever think about anyone other than yourself, and perhaps Mallomars? No, you fucking don't. So fuck you, Kangaroo. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

This bear is essentially raping my soul

So basically this totally thoughtless motherfucker decided regular bears weren't cute enough. His solution? GIVE HIMSELF NATURAL FUCKING EYEGLASSES. Then, becoming the single cutest animal on the face of the earth, he laid on his fucking back so we could all see his goddamn belly, and then furtively glanced in our direction, thereby rendering any potential defense against his advances totally useless. Well played, Bear. I'm going to go take a shower now.