Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Lions even bore themselves


I'm not really sure where this "King of the Jungle" designation came from, but honestly, that is the biggest load of horseshit ever. Look at this dude, he looks like he's ready to put on a pair of slippers and turn in for the night. I seriously wonder if the lion hasn't been resting on its laurels for the past few hundred years, and no one has actually tested one of these things. Like, some lion started a whisper campaign about how he was a real badass, and because the mane makes him look bigger than he actually is, no one wanted to fuck with him. WELL GUESS WHAT LION, TODAY IS YOUR UNLUCKY DAY.

I'm sorry, what? Oh, no, I was talking to him. Not you, we're buddies, right? Can I get you anything? No? Okay, well you let me know.
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44 comments:

  1. UnknownDecember 17, 2008 at 9:04 AM

    You're killing me. Found you yesterday, coming back often. Keep stickin' it to 'em!

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  2. AnneDecember 17, 2008 at 9:05 AM

    He pretends to be a badass but we know he is actually a lazyass who lives on the female of his kind to bring home the bacon. Parasite! Time to see him for what he really is!

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  3. Katarina erobrerenDecember 17, 2008 at 9:13 AM

    Even worse, the male lions don't even hunt, the females do the work. Just disgusting.

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  4. MarinkaDecember 17, 2008 at 9:14 AM

    And what's with the tip of the tails? Metrosexual, much?

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  5. L.G.December 17, 2008 at 9:14 AM

    Totally true. Bastards.

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  6. NiatsDecember 17, 2008 at 9:25 AM

    Amazing! It is about time someone dethroned him!

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  7. NatashaDecember 17, 2008 at 9:35 AM

    They're called PUSSY cats for a reason.

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  8. Dave CarrolDecember 17, 2008 at 10:20 AM

    Dear new blog stranger friend.

    Your writing have made me laugh.

    Sincerely... another blog stranger friend

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  9. JoshDecember 17, 2008 at 10:21 AM

    Is it any coincidence the Detroit "Lions" are so bad? I think not.

    Btw, just found your blog and I'm lovin' it - nice work!

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  10. TeresaDecember 17, 2008 at 10:45 AM

    Just learned about your blog yesterday and fell in LOOOOVE. Also, I think you SHOULD totally stick it to that tiny rabbit in the second picture. Fuck lions. Everyone knows rabbits are the ones we have to watch out for. Especially dewey-eyed ones like that one in the picture! :)

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  11. DHDecember 17, 2008 at 11:36 AM

    Let's see...he lies on his ass all day, has the females do the hunting, mates with any of the females in his pride when he feels like it, and leaves his shit wherever he wants to...

    Man, I want to be a fucking lion.

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  12. tim maguireDecember 17, 2008 at 11:37 AM

    "Paulie didn't move very fast. That's because Paulie didn't have to move for ANYBODY."

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  13. Jason HarxDecember 17, 2008 at 11:59 AM

    hahahah! This blog is awesome!

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  14. T. TuplexDecember 17, 2008 at 12:24 PM

    ok. besides the link to the pic of the bloody entrails, that was funny. good shtuff. lions beware!

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  15. John ADecember 17, 2008 at 12:26 PM

    Somethng I read decades ago (yeah, I'm ancien) - lions were often observed feeding in the early morning, and had a rep as quick to find and kill, until some spoispot found that the kills were doe by hyenas which the awakening lions chased off while the intrepid explorers were still snoozing.

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  16. John ADecember 17, 2008 at 12:28 PM

    spoispot? er, spoilsport. Never could get the hang of typing.

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  17. stopthemadnessDecember 17, 2008 at 12:28 PM

    Hakuna Matata, bitches.

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  18. TraceyDecember 17, 2008 at 12:40 PM

    Best blog EVER!!!
    Keep up the awesome work, oh yeah and fuck you Lion

    ReplyDelete
  19. hutch1200December 17, 2008 at 12:58 PM

    Why do they call the hair on these pricks a "mane"? I wish they would all "mane-line" some bad Heroin and die. And who's the asshole who thought that term up? Fuck him too. I always hated that "Born Free" bitch too. Is she dead yet? These lazy bastards think the whole world is their litterbox.

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  20. Esquirrel, yo!December 17, 2008 at 1:16 PM

    That linked photo of the lion with the bush meat is photoshopped. By the lion.

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  21. TaxitermistDecember 17, 2008 at 1:28 PM

    King of the Jungle indeed, lyins live in the Savannah. Too lazy to even check their atlas'.

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  22. AnonymousDecember 17, 2008 at 1:57 PM

    Just learned about your blog yesterday and fell in LOOOOVE. Also, I think you SHOULD totally stick it to that tiny rabbit in the second picture. Fuck lions. Everyone knows rabbits are the ones we have to watch out for. Especially dewey-eyed ones like that one in the picture! :)

    December 17, 2008 10:45 AM
    Blogger Dunesdreamer said...

    Let's see...he lies on his ass all day, has the females do the hunting, mates with any of the females in his pride when he feels like it, and leaves his shit wherever he wants to...

    Man, I want to be a fucking lion.

    No, you don't. An individual male lion is "king of the beasts" for about two years, then he is dethroned (Killed?) by the next young male -- who's first act as head of the pride is to kill all the babies.

    ReplyDelete
  23. AnonymousDecember 17, 2008 at 1:59 PM

    Sorry, I only intended to copy and paste the one entry -- I don't know why the other one came along for the ride....

    and apparently there's no "edit".

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  24. Madame LethargeDecember 17, 2008 at 2:10 PM

    Clearly, you are the most brilliant man posting blogs on the internet in our time. I want to have your baby.

    ReplyDelete
  25. AllgaulDecember 17, 2008 at 3:19 PM

    Hey, yeah-if lions are so tough, how come they don't live in Jersey, huh? HUH? Cause the only lions in Jersey are those ones behind the bars in the ZOOS, yo! Get em, blog person, you represent!

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  26. TeeDecember 17, 2008 at 3:57 PM

    HighLarryUS!!!!!!

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  27. Jeff CooperDecember 17, 2008 at 4:19 PM

    Scott of the Antarctic learned the hard way. It's not lions you have to worry about... it's penguins... especially large electric ones with green tentacles.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Saad Ali AbbasiDecember 17, 2008 at 4:54 PM

    uh oh...! lol
    (good ending haha)

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  29. JesusDecember 17, 2008 at 7:39 PM

    Funniest one yet.

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  30. MayravDecember 17, 2008 at 8:30 PM

    This site is gloriously twisted. When I feel despondent about the world, I will turn here and cheer the fuck up. Thank you. (And thank Big Action for turning me on to you).

    ReplyDelete
  31. UnknownDecember 17, 2008 at 8:38 PM

    If you feel that way, do what the Taliban guy did to the lion in the Kabul Zoo: jump into his cge, run up & cut his nose off, then shout "So you think your a King!"

    The Lion then ripped his arm offbefore killing him.

    Cats sleep a majority of the day but Lions, when provoked can and have stalked & hunted Men and once they develop a taste for Human flesh, have to be Killed in order to stop them.

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  32. MichaelDecember 17, 2008 at 9:49 PM

    This site is FANTASTIC! Awesome title! With that said, while that effing lion is laying around with his tongue hanging out a carload of raccoons is boosting all his shit. Take that, Mr. Lion!

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  33. Ejike WosuDecember 18, 2008 at 4:21 AM

    I don't know, I got into it with a bunch of Lions two weeks back, and although I was handing out bitch slaps left right and center, this one Lion pulled a gun and popped me in the leg. Those fuckers are straight "gangsta". So before you go saying that "Lions aint shit" ask yourself one question. Can you get shot in the leg and still say that? Hmmmm? Thought not. Roar Mutha-fuckers, Roar!

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  34. DHDecember 18, 2008 at 6:40 AM

    Kim responded to my comment with:

    No, you don't. An individual male lion is "king of the beasts" for about two years, then he is dethroned (Killed?) by the next young male--who's first act as head of the pride is to kill all the babies.

    Maybe so....but how many of us would be happy to be "king for a day"? I think two years would suffice.

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  35. T-BonzDecember 18, 2008 at 8:23 AM

    like the self-proclaimed King of Pop?

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  36. UnknownDecember 18, 2008 at 8:46 AM

    Is it any accident someone wrote a soporific song that goes like this:

    In the jungle , the QUIET jungle, the lion SLEEPS tonight, etc.
    Way up oh, a wimoway a wimoway, etc.
    Fade into snoring....

    Or are y'all too young to remember that one?

    ReplyDelete
  37. DHDecember 18, 2008 at 8:47 AM

    Well, apparently he really liked the young'uns, too....

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  38. DHDecember 18, 2008 at 8:48 AM

    Skeptical...

    Who can ever forget the melodious (or is that melodorous) harmonies of The Tokens?

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  39. UnknownDecember 18, 2008 at 8:50 AM

    Dunesdreamer wrote:
    "Let's see...he lies on his ass all day, has the females do the hunting, mates with any of the females in his pride when he feels like it, and leaves his shit wherever he wants to...
    Man, I want to be a fucking lion."

    Judging from my own experience and based on this description, most men I have encountered in the wild ARE lions. The clincher was the part about him leaving hs shit wherever he wants to.

    ReplyDelete
  40. UnknownDecember 18, 2008 at 8:59 AM

    DD wrote:
    "Who can ever forget the melodious (or is that melodorous) harmonies of The Tokens?"

    Malodorous is about right. And thanks to you, DD, I checked the spelling and its "wimoweh". Who knew?

    ReplyDelete
  41. MackDecember 18, 2008 at 3:37 PM

    Yeh, fuck those lazy bastards.

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  42. AshDecember 21, 2008 at 7:47 PM

    Is Discovery Chanel making me more ignorant? Every time they show lions, they're lounging around in the grass. How can they be king of the jungle if they're never actually in the jungle? It's only tigers they show in the jungle. ...ooh my aching head...

    ReplyDelete
  43. TaxitermistJanuary 8, 2009 at 2:35 PM

    We should all be celebrating this picture! It is the first known photo of the underground IFC (Interspecies Fight Club). What we are seeing here is the monkey moving into a rear naked choke hold to win the light weight division.

    Go Monkey! Show that rat who's boss!

    ReplyDelete
  44. John LegacyJune 26, 2011 at 2:48 AM

    Thanks for sharing, much appreciated and useful post, congrat and keep on track!
    Cialis Online

    ReplyDelete

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