Thursday, August 6, 2009

A terrorist is born


It is a sad day for America, people. Yesterday, at approximately 6:66 in the morning (coincidence?), a baby panda was born at the San Diego Zoo. You can see the video here, but be warned IT IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. For those of you who cannot bear to click through, I have gotten John Hurt and Ridley Scott together to recreate the birth in this much less terrifying photo.

At this point, the baby panda has no fur, chirps like a velociraptor, and is the size of a stick of butter. But remember people: Osama Bin Laden was once the size of a stick of butter (when I molded a stick of butter into the shape of Osama Bin Laden). Pretty soon they turn into this. And then this. AND THEN THIS. And then this. Before finally, they start spreading out all over the world.

That's how this is all going to play out. So mark my words. Now is the time to rise up against this threat. Meg Sutherland-Smith, if you have any human left in you and you aren't entirely in the pocket of Big Panda, please, I beg you, make sure you raise this panda right, to respect our common decency and keep it humble. Show it this website. Buy it my book.

Actually, it might be better if you just sent it to me to raise. I can introduce it to my gorilla. Wait, never mind. Probably a bad idea.
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30 comments:

  1. NancyAugust 6, 2009 at 9:06 AM

    That is so NOT FAIR. The size of that cub to the size of the mom. I'm going to show that footage to my fat headed son right now. I could have danced around and rocked my baby too if he wasn't the size of a regulation soccer ball! NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR, NOT F-ing FAIR!!!!

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  2. Laila PAugust 6, 2009 at 9:08 AM

    I love the pics of the b'day cakes. Too funny. And the one with the panda on the plane made me LOL.

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  3. UnknownAugust 6, 2009 at 9:16 AM

    I'm with you, Mama Daguama!!

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  4. AnonymousAugust 6, 2009 at 10:31 AM

    The birth of a baby panda goes so fast... :http://holy-cuteness.blogspot.com/2008/08/birth-of-baby-panda.html

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  5. AnonymousAugust 6, 2009 at 10:32 AM

    correct link I hope...

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  6. JodiAugust 6, 2009 at 10:53 AM

    Good God, what has the world come to?

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  7. gregoryyyAugust 6, 2009 at 11:17 AM

    Shit.uh..oh my...bad time to have an avatar that "appears" to be a Panda.

    My photo,a Panda dog, and is a world away from the horror planet shown above.WE are not brothers in arms.

    Please,i harm no ones and love this country and support all the wars of U.s. terror.No but really,if those chicks want to stand me up and torture me then it's on!! I will choke slam(drunkin master) them both and set that cake on fire.

    *"Pocket of Big Panda" was priceless!

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  8. Glory von HathorAugust 6, 2009 at 11:46 AM

    I don't bother with Pandas till they've hit the heavy kohl stage.

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  9. GregAugust 6, 2009 at 11:55 AM

    Surely, you must then see this:

    http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=3348730

    Pandas are freaks.

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  10. Mister 1-2-3-4August 6, 2009 at 12:08 PM

    Pandas on planes!?! Talk about being soft on terrorism! Why not just let the guy with 12 sticks of dynamite strapped on to his chest saunter on board too? I bet Bill Clinton had something to do with this. Has Fox News been alerted to this latest threat to our national security?

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  11. UnknownAugust 6, 2009 at 2:41 PM

    Does anyone remember the movie "Ice Pirates"? In that movie the spaceship got Space Herpes that look EXACTLY LIKE THAT BABY PANDA.

    It all fits. Nasty little outbreak disguises itself as something you want to cuddle then...BAM!

    Well FUCK YOU panda jerks! We may only have Valtrex for herpes but I know humankind will find a cure for you!

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  12. HayleyAugust 6, 2009 at 3:36 PM

    6:66 this morning, you say?

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  13. FelixelGatoAugust 6, 2009 at 4:00 PM

    haha I love it! I LOL'd at the picture of the Panda on the plane.

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  14. Entrepreneur ChickAugust 6, 2009 at 4:01 PM

    Oh, dear. The gorilla seriously looks like a guy I dated in junior high. I should call him up and demand some $$ for not posting his name. Always an entrepreneur...
    Wait. That's extortion. Same thing.

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  15. kellyAugust 6, 2009 at 6:09 PM

    Long time reader, first time poster. Please in the future include Vomit Warning before that series of pictures. The plane was the final straw. kthx

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  16. Simon LeongAugust 6, 2009 at 7:37 PM

    6.66 hehe would have been good if that time actually existed. 4.58 AM i believe said in video :-) amazing video of the baby though.

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  17. WR August 6, 2009 at 9:24 PM

    6:66 - now that worries me! "Coincidence?" - I think not. Panda births and 6:66...very troubling. Perhaps it means that number combination should be played in a lottery, win a fortune, fund FU, P. in starting an exotic animal rescue... Pandas and gorilla kept in seperate ares of course.

    Ok, never mind, another bad idea...

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  18. AnonymousAugust 7, 2009 at 12:22 AM

    Note how embarrassed the mommy panda was about it's ugly assed kid, couldn't hide it from the world quick enough. No wonder she's got big dark rings under her eyes, she gave birth to a friggin freak!

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  19. BioPeachAugust 7, 2009 at 6:25 AM

    Zookeepers are sick...it's enough to celebrate a panda's birthday- but he gets women and a cake?

    Who the hell does he think he is- P.Diddy?

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  20. UnknownAugust 7, 2009 at 9:50 AM

    Would somebody please warn people about this nasty little fucker here?

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/earthpicturegalleries/5966251/The-weirdest-animals-on-Planet-Earth.html?image=6

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  21. UnknownAugust 7, 2009 at 10:55 AM

    "Though the Giant Panda is often assumed to be docile, it has been known to attack humans, presumably out of irritation."

    Get your heads out of the sand, people. These things are trouble waiting to happen. I know a guy who had his car stolen by a panda. That's right, grand theft auto. Give me a burlap bag, some rope and a few rocks and I'll sort this out sharpish. Someone is going to have to get their hands dirty.

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  22. Jean CAugust 7, 2009 at 2:14 PM

    First: Pandas are ONLY born at 6:66 a.m. This is the most wicked time of day, first because of the sixes and secondly because it's in the morning!!!

    Second: See that third birthday photo? You know WHO ELSE imprisoned young nubile women and used them as decorations in a gloating mockery of all that is good? Jabba the Hut, that's who.

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  23. Jo NicholsonAugust 7, 2009 at 10:59 PM

    Why does it always have to be a black/white thing? Huh?

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  24. JAugust 7, 2009 at 11:58 PM

    Dear Panda,

    Quit breeding. I think we have enough of you.


    Regards,
    Everyone
    http://regardseveryone.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  25. AnonymousAugust 8, 2009 at 11:05 AM

    cute. but where is the video?

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  26. Joe KellyAugust 9, 2009 at 7:54 AM

    I got no beef with pandas. If I was starving I'd eat one though.

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  27. L.A. JohnsonAugust 9, 2009 at 10:23 AM

    That panda mom made childbirth look as easy as pinching a f***ing loaf, wtf. Why are those things endangered if they can squeeze out offspring like a tiny zit??????

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  28. dARci sPiKErAugust 9, 2009 at 2:33 PM

    Who said, "...and that's a wrap" on this one? That baby panda is NOT finished. Get back in there and get cuter, baby panda. RIGHT.FREAKEN.NOW!

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  29. girl6August 10, 2009 at 1:36 AM

    What the fuck?! A video of yourself actually being born in San Diego is so totally not proof you're American. I can see you're lining up your co-conspirators now so that you can wave this in our face in 45 years when you run for president, Panda. Oh, yes. We're not stupid.

    I demand an original birth certificate.

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  30. MistyAugust 10, 2009 at 9:15 PM

    this made me laugh. one one hand because, OF COURSE HER LABOR lasted only seconds! It's like a human delivering a moth...
    and second... This was simply the funniest blog post I've EVER read.

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