Hey, everyone! I'm back from vacation where I was doing all the thing that humans like to do! I went to the aquarium, ate lots of chicken, and totally walked one foot in front of the other. It was the best! But I'm back now, and it's time to start back in on those damn penguins. Look at this guy, right? I mean, what a little fucking show-off. HEY PENGUIN, NOT EVERYONE CAN BE SO AWESOME, KIND, AND THOUGHTFUL. Jeez, what is it about penguins that makes them think they can get away with being so personable when they aren't even people? I met this one penguin on my vacation, and he had the nerve to show me around his colony, cook up a nice meal of krill for me, and even show me a bootleg copy of the outtakes from March of the Penguins they had to keep out of the movie to avoid a NC-17 rating. It was probably the most fun I've ever had, and I never wanted to leave.
Penguins, I'll tell you. Thank God I'm not a penguin. That would be totally not true. Thank God we're all not penguins, right people?
Thought you might like, or dislike rather, this guy:
ReplyDeletehttp://cuteoverload.com/2009/10/19/the-sheik-of-wallaby/
Admit it: You looooove penguin. Love 'em, love 'em, wish you could be one of 'em.
ReplyDeleteYay, so happy you are back!
ReplyDeleteOh la-dee-da, so you're wearing a tuxedo you little smarmy bastard. Yeah? Let's see you fly! You're a bird afterall right? So fly for us you uppity little shit. Oh wait.... you can't. Jerk penguin.
ReplyDeleteLost your edge, eh? Little rusty after a month off? Let's see if you can get your groove back, or if this is the beginning of the end...
ReplyDeleteWELCOME BACK!
ReplyDeleteAmen. Welcome back.
ReplyDeleteNice try, Mr. Ooh-Look-At-Me-I-Waddle-When-I-Walk-and-I-Slide-Around-On-My-Belly-For-Attention,
ReplyDeleteYou're not fooling anyone.
Go back to Antarctica!
You know you love them! You really, really love them!
ReplyDeleteWelcome back; but I'm concerned...have you mellowed while taking a break?
ReplyDeletePinguins are fat!
ReplyDeleteBought your book. It is AWESOME. Laughed until I literally cried.
ReplyDeleteyay! Thought you'd been eaten by penguins or something.
ReplyDeleteYay!!! So glad you're back!
ReplyDeleteYou tell that waddling asshole what's what.
Welcome back!
ReplyDeleteSee, I live in France. French for penguin is "pingouin".
ReplyDeleteExcept if you call a penguin a "pingouin" in France all the french people will shout at you and tell you that what you are looking at is not a "pingouin" but a "manchot".
They are very pedantic about it, "pingouins" come from the arctic and are auks and can fly, and there is only 1 species left. What everyone else on the entire planet calls a penguin, those tuxedoed bastards, come from the Antarctic, can't fly and are "manchots".
Now put "manchot" into google language tools and it will tell you penguin. Put "pingouin" into google language tools and it will tell you . . . penguin.
Bloody French.
So glad your are back! I bought your book and love this site.
ReplyDeleteI went to Sea World this weekend and those bastards kept swimming around like they were something special.
ReplyDeleteHappy Feet ruined everything. Bitches.
Welcome back! I've missed you.
ReplyDeleteohgod, I'm so glad you're back. I was checking every day and it made me sad to see no rants at adorable animals.
ReplyDeleteHey, you have gone soft dude !?
ReplyDeleteIn fact, I don't even think this is you at all!
damn you! Now you're back and I have another reason to sit around on my fat ass and procrastinate.
ReplyDeleteYou didnt tell anyone where you went...that's a sign that you're hiding something. Penguin romancing maybe...
Welcome back! And since I am a new follower - I have NO clue what the heck this is all about. Better read some past posts to catch up! LOL!
ReplyDeletethe vacation did nothing for you. this is the worst post i've ever read on this blog.
ReplyDeleteFUP has died. A sad day for all.
You shouldn't sniff your own farts in public, Penguin. You said it, those fuck-ing penguins.
ReplyDeleteAmen. Fucking little fucking dapper dandies in their high falutin' coats and tails, drinking martinis and talking all posh and shit. Fuck 'em.
ReplyDeleteWhat? You being nice now!?
ReplyDeleteAnyone who is familiar with a penguin's style of writing can tell that FU Penguin has been taken over by a crafty, possibly brilliant penguin posing as a human.
ReplyDeleteLost his edge? Rusty after a month off? No--he's been replaced by an impostor. Christopher is right about one thing, though: if the penguins really are in charge now, this could be the beginning of the end.
For all of us.
Okay let's get this straight (I use the term loosely)not having your posts is as close to starvation that I wish to get! Where exactly were the requests for time off? Especially so much T.I.M.E. !!!!
ReplyDeleteYour legion of fans (not counting Twitter, of course) applaud your return!
OK FFS who friggin super glued the penguin? Sure you wanted a friggin vacation, but you didn't have to do that! FU Penguin.
ReplyDeleteOMG, the penguins have gotten to you too??? Penguins have schemed for some time to set up that spread, to bring you over to the dark side . . . Resist them you must!
ReplyDeleteI smell a rat... or a Penguin. Think you're SO sneaky, dontcha Penguin? What have you done with Matthew?
ReplyDeleteSeriously? Dude ...
ReplyDeleteIMPOSTER!!!! This is NOT Fuck You, Penguin, IT'S A FUCKING PENGUIN!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI like legion ,so cutenhl jerseys
ReplyDelete