This is a puppy I briefly housed at Fuck You, Penguin headquarters. Her name was Lexington, she peed on my bed, chewed a hole in my shower curtain, and licked my face when I wasn't looking. I loved her so.
But then she left me when her old family came back from vacation. And that's fine. Because you know what, Puppy? I have met another puppy since you've been gone. Actually, I've met a large number of puppies. And I've played with all of them. Sometimes more than one at the same time. In fact, just the other day I was cuddling with a puppy, thinking "This is so much better than that time I was cuddling with Lexi. Thank goodness she gave me back my freedom."
I've moved on, Puppy. I've grown. I'm no longer that same inexperienced puppysitter you met on that warm August day. So don't come crawling back to me, Puppy. Don't even fucking think about it.
Unless you want to. Then I'm sure we can work something out.
12 comments:
Look at me ... look at me in my face ... in my eyeballs. No you look at me when I'm talking to you! You think because your nose is half pink and half black you're going to get some kind of special treatment from me? Well ... yeah ... um ... actually ... you are. Damn it.
Haha this is classic. Puppies always fucking leave. Cute little son-of-a-bitch bastards.
This makes me happy...
awwww
you know what i hate about puppies? they turn into DOGS. I mean, what the fuck is that about?
Jim, your comments hurts my soul because it is SO true
This is your best and most insightful work.
Puppies will always fuck you over and take
you for a ride. In fact, I've been having a lot
of doubts about puppies. I've been thinking a lot
about kittens lately. I've been getting sort of
kitten curious. Have you had any experience
with kittens?
Don't do it, Noah. You think puppies turning to dogs is bad? Kittens turn into cats. Dogs at least still pretend to like you whereas cats couldn't give two shits if you live or die, just so long as you leave enough food, bugs, or plants to eat to survive. And the look of disdain! Ugh.
I too suffered this fate. My wife and I puppy sat a cute little critter for SEVEN months, and she left us. Flat.
THIS is just, just fucking amazing. You lighten my day.
seriously, you are hilarious!!!!
Single tear falls down my cheek. It reminds me of my 3 week petsitting experience with Mr.Thunderpants. They fart on your lap and leave with your heart.
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