Tortoises always want someone else to do their dirty work

Are you fucking kidding me, Tortoise? You are so lazy you can't get up and go see what's going on over there? You don't think someone else is going to take pity on you and just tell you what it is, do you? Because it sure as shit isn't going be this guy. And you know, Tortoise, just because you are like three thousand years old doesn't mean you shouldn't use some lotion once in a while. That neck looks like a petrified tree trunk, and not in a good way. MOISTURIZE, TORTOISE.

Puppies always leave.

This is a puppy I briefly housed at Fuck You, Penguin headquarters. Her name was Lexington, she peed on my bed, chewed a hole in my shower curtain, and licked my face when I wasn't looking. I loved her so.

But then she left me when her old family came back from vacation. And that's fine. Because you know what, Puppy? I have met another puppy since you've been gone. Actually, I've met a large number of puppies. And I've played with all of them. Sometimes more than one at the same time. In fact, just the other day I was cuddling with a puppy, thinking "This is so much better than that time I was cuddling with Lexi. Thank goodness she gave me back my freedom."

I've moved on, Puppy. I've grown. I'm no longer that same inexperienced puppysitter you met on that warm August day. So don't come crawling back to me, Puppy. Don't even fucking think about it.

Unless you want to. Then I'm sure we can work something out.

How come there is only one set of footprints, huh?

Okay, you're little, you've got soft pretty feathers, and there's a small little drop of water perched at the end of your beak. But guess what, Duck? YOUR GOD HAS DESERTED YOU. Ponder that, bitch.

Ponies try too hard

Honestly, Pony, I don't know what little girls see in you. You just seem like a donkey that needs a haircut. I have no interest in including you on Fuck You, Penguin - wait. Is that a dog? Is there a dog riding you? ARE YOU THAT FUCKING DESPERATE, PONY.

Fine, here's your goddamned post. But don't come crying to me when that dog expects 50% of the credit.

Llamas will break your heart without so much as a "My bad"

So here I am looking at pictures of llamas online, because who doesn't love llamas, right? (Penguins, those jealous fucks.) And what do I come across but an article about this older llama that died in 2006, making the zoo where it was very sad. The llama's name was Chief, and it had a severe colic reaction, WHICH TOTALLY FUCKING RUINED MY SUNDAY.

At least move back to Peru or something, so we can imagine you frolicking forever. Funny looking mouths come with a responsibility to not play with our emotions.

So thanks a lot, Llama, you heartless fucking bastard.

Sneaky hedgehogs want it both ways

Just because you have your mouth opened like that doesn't mean I can't see those giant needles on your entire body ready to impale me, Hedgehog. You think I'm afraid, but I also don't want to hurt you because you're too cute, right? Well, you know what, Hedgehog? You cross me, in ANY way, and I WILL NOT HESITATE TO DESTROY YOU. Believe that, Hedgehog. Now watch your fucking step.

Get a load of this douchebag

Holy shit, Koala. I didn't realize you were POSING FOR A FUCKING ALBUM COVER FROM THE 1970S. I bet all the songs would be about eucalyptus, seeing as that's all you can eat, you non-omnivorous little shit. Why don't you get down off your tree trunk and act like a normal animal, or are you too good for us? Get lost, Koala. My mind didn't even want to comprehend your cute little existence anyway.