Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Tapirs always fail to turn on the charm



Oh, Tapir. Tapir, Tapir, Tapir. I can't possibly imagine what could be funny enough to forget that you are a giant pound of grayish black blubber with a cone head and a nose with nostrils so large if you zoom in on them they look like a monkey's face. So you must be smiling like that because you think it's going to make me like you.

Well, Tapir, it's not going to work on me. Not today, NOT EVER. So stop following me with your nose, Tapir, PREHENSILE NOSES ARE FOR ELEPHANTS. Talk to me when you can conceive of altruism and make paintings, asshole.
at

52 comments:

  1. AnonymousMarch 23, 2009 at 6:22 AM

    Yeh Tapir! And why don't you get a name thats more easily pronouncible!

    ReplyDelete
  2. ChoppyMarch 23, 2009 at 6:22 AM

    Tapir, you look like Sloth from the Goonies. Fuck you for trying to steal his awesomeness.

    ReplyDelete
  3. CamMarch 23, 2009 at 6:24 AM

    I just pissed my pants!

    ReplyDelete
  4. PersonalFailureMarch 23, 2009 at 6:29 AM

    This things not going to paint. Look at it- it has all the creative ability of a rock. Stupid tapir!

    ReplyDelete
  5. KurtMarch 23, 2009 at 6:38 AM

    Get some braces,Tapir! Your teeth are disgusting.

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousMarch 23, 2009 at 6:51 AM

    I'm sure you have a "nice personality", tapir.

    Otherwise, your species would NEVER continue!

    ReplyDelete
  7. tea_pleaseMarch 23, 2009 at 6:51 AM

    Plus, it looks like a pig body, sitting like a dog. I'm not falling for it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. John BosleyMarch 23, 2009 at 6:53 AM

    Listen, Tapir. Between you and me, you've gained a few pounds lately. Maybe the next time you feel like eating you should go for a jog instead. With a little more effort on your part, you might even start to look like a warthog or something!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Keir HardieMarch 23, 2009 at 7:24 AM

    If the nostrils are the monkey's eyes, what the hell is that part of the tapir that looks like the monkey's nose? It look like a clitoris!

    ReplyDelete
  10. MameMarch 23, 2009 at 7:27 AM

    Good thing you didn't have a picture of a baby tapir or we'd all be dead of cuteness by now.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Smarter Than the Average CatMarch 23, 2009 at 8:06 AM

    Whatever you do, DO NOT do a google image search for baby tapir. DO NOT DO IT.

    ReplyDelete
  12. trulymadlydeeplyMarch 23, 2009 at 8:18 AM

    "NOT EVER", really? hmmmmmm... I see...
    Its got cute dimples, though. And aside from some needed general orthodontic work, that smile couldn't be um, ... sweeter?

    Baby tapir's are where its at. Don't be silly with the adult-posting..

    ReplyDelete
  13. The Cheap-Arse Film CriticMarch 23, 2009 at 8:32 AM

    ... Dad?

    ReplyDelete
  14. Jessica MooneyMarch 23, 2009 at 8:32 AM

    Listen elephant-wanna-be, get over yourself! There are really no words to express what I'm feeling right now, Tapir. All I know is that you're making me so ill I may have to go home. Way to help the economy douche bag. If I had any mob comnections I would use them right now, Tapir. Then we'll see who has something to smile about.

    ReplyDelete
  15. AnonymousMarch 23, 2009 at 8:53 AM

    Too funny! :-)))

    ReplyDelete
  16. SGHMarch 23, 2009 at 8:57 AM

    Tapir, your monkey nostrils are fucking ridiculous. Just stop it RIGHT NOW. You should be ashamed of yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  17. QuercusMarch 23, 2009 at 8:58 AM

    Fucking perissodactyls!

    ReplyDelete
  18. ensalacoMarch 23, 2009 at 8:59 AM

    Make this shit stop right now... http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1163175/Move-ER-Welcome-worlds-orang-utan-hospital.html

    ReplyDelete
  19. 5holeSAVEMarch 23, 2009 at 10:07 AM

    Jeezus H, Tapir, what an asshole! You are the dork of the entire animal kingdom, and I hope you see an orthodontist soon.
    Frikkin' nostrils. You look like a bowling ball. Asshole.

    ReplyDelete
  20. DHMarch 23, 2009 at 11:01 AM

    Alien v. Predator? Looks more like Alien Fucked Predator.

    ReplyDelete
  21. boobooMarch 23, 2009 at 11:05 AM

    Hey, Tapir, assface!

    You look like my wife when she's giving me that hideous "come hither" look that makes me run out the back door while throwing up.

    Like I really want sack time with a fucking monster.

    ReplyDelete
  22. furiousBallMarch 23, 2009 at 2:42 PM

    I fucking hate when mother nature starts fucking around with photoshop. nice job, retard

    ReplyDelete
  23. AnonymousMarch 23, 2009 at 3:11 PM

    Yeah Tapir, I know why you're smiling. Because you have one of the the biggest dicks in the animal kingdom. Smiling like you're better than everyone because of it, too. Freakin' show off.

    ReplyDelete
  24. JMarch 23, 2009 at 3:12 PM

    Dear Tapir,

    Please get a new dentist.


    Regards,
    Everyone

    ReplyDelete
  25. TraycinaMarch 23, 2009 at 3:39 PM

    HAHAHA. He looks like the dorky Moose. Or like Sloth.

    SLOTH LOVE CHUNK!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  26. ouredmanMarch 23, 2009 at 4:20 PM

    These things are vicious, had one completely mangle and rip off a worker's arm about 10 years ago at OKC Zoo.

    http://www.igorilla.com/gorilla/animal/tapir_attack_in_Oklahoma_City_PartTwo.html

    ReplyDelete
  27. Muppet SoulMarch 23, 2009 at 4:41 PM

    Is it wrong that I want to kiss him?

    I think I'm confused.

    ReplyDelete
  28. AnonymousMarch 23, 2009 at 5:38 PM

    thats ugly

    ReplyDelete
  29. AnonymousMarch 23, 2009 at 5:39 PM

    Ouredman, are you serious? I go to a local zoo and hand feed them every chance I get. To think, Mr Tapir has been thinking about how he can take my arm off next time I feed him peanuts. Jerk.

    ReplyDelete
  30. WR March 23, 2009 at 8:52 PM

    OMG, wiped that ridiculous grin off your face this instant!

    And stay out of my studio. If I catch you using my paints...again ~ there will be real trouble mister!

    ReplyDelete
  31. UnknownMarch 24, 2009 at 9:19 AM

    Everything is made up for by the fact that the tapir has the largest penis-to-body-size ratio of any mammal.

    But no one ever wants to fuck a tapir.

    ReplyDelete
  32. OzarkTroutBumMarch 24, 2009 at 11:37 AM

    You kind of expect him to say,

    "Stop me if you've heard this one..."

    Everybody always stops him at this point because Tapirs are known the world over for their repertoire of stale, sad old jokes.

    ReplyDelete
  33. cermedesMarch 24, 2009 at 2:20 PM

    ah, the true definition of "fugly". way to go tapir.

    ReplyDelete
  34. DaveMarch 24, 2009 at 3:03 PM

    Melinda and Kit aren't kidding about the size of a tapir's bozack. I saw one at the SF zoo a few year's back....

    Just, if you're curious, go to youtube and search for "tapir penis."

    ReplyDelete
  35. kellibuMarch 24, 2009 at 3:13 PM

    mr. penguin hater, can you please maintain your frickin blog by doing it daily? how am i expected to endure my horrendous 9-6 job (which i am supposed to be thankful for because of the economy)without spending a good :45 minutes of reading and distributing your rants and raves!? I am demanding that they can no longer be sporadic postings!!! Just to further u along, I am including an animal so you can catch up and blog today!
    two faced kitten: http://www.zimbio.com/Weird+Animals/articles/10/Ohio+Two+Faced+Kitten+Doing+Well
    Star-nosed mole: http://www.zimbio.com/Weird+Animals

    sincerely,
    your very dearest, and bitterest fan

    ReplyDelete
  36. kellibuMarch 24, 2009 at 3:15 PM

    For god's sake, even the Aye is an easy target!
    http://a.abcnews.com/images/Technology/ap_aye_aye_080529_ssh.jpg

    ReplyDelete
  37. Heather CherryMarch 24, 2009 at 3:27 PM

    I have to agree with Kelly. I'm going to need you to post more often, if only for my own personal benefit.

    P.S. I left you an award on my blerg.

    ReplyDelete
  38. red.door.readMarch 24, 2009 at 4:06 PM

    looks like an inside-out orifice with teeth.

    ReplyDelete
  39. AnonymousMarch 25, 2009 at 2:50 AM

    Dear FUP,

    Kelly and Heather Cherry are right!!!!! I hope there is no serious illness keeping you from attending to your blog duty. There are many many examples of human exploitation by the cute(and/or ugly) animal kingdom that need your attention.

    Magpies in Australia are thriving in urban areas owing to humans feeding them in their back yards. In return what do these birds do? In spring they try to peck the brains right out of our skulls.

    Please your followers need your guidance!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  40. JennyBMarch 25, 2009 at 4:06 AM

    I saw God in those nortils

    ReplyDelete
  41. DerbyMarch 25, 2009 at 5:07 PM

    also see questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1290 and questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1293

    ReplyDelete
  42. kilgoreMarch 26, 2009 at 10:56 AM

    DO NOT GOOGLE BABY TAPIR! you will suffer unabashed cuteness if you do.

    ReplyDelete
  43. MaggieMarch 27, 2009 at 5:58 AM

    I just snorted with laughter at my desk and now everyone around me thinks I'm insane.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Big Brother is WatchingMarch 28, 2009 at 1:40 PM

    Tapir, you bear a striking resemblance to Dick Cheney.

    ReplyDelete
  45. BrianMarch 31, 2009 at 7:12 PM

    What region of Fucking Disgusting Land does this hideous bastard come from?

    ReplyDelete
  46. mangoApril 1, 2009 at 8:24 PM

    Who exposed this thing to radiation?

    ReplyDelete
  47. Random Sketchy Brainfart DOT COM dudeApril 9, 2009 at 6:40 PM

    I like tapirs. So there. I don't give a fuck. I love them

    ReplyDelete
  48. Random Sketchy Brainfart DOT COM dudeApril 9, 2009 at 6:41 PM

    I like tapirs. So there. I don't give a fuck. I love them

    ReplyDelete
  49. kaliszMay 5, 2009 at 12:11 AM

    Tapirz r0x0rz, no matter what you say, assholes ;) they are cute as kids and impressive as adults. And BTW they're very friendly and funny, and their noses are cool too. They were here long before we did and they will stay on earthlong after the mankind will kill itself. TAPIRS FTW!!! :D

    ReplyDelete
  50. nltismeMay 20, 2009 at 4:46 PM

    I've dated uglier men....then I stopped the drugs. Ugh!

    ReplyDelete
  51. furbearingbrickSeptember 16, 2009 at 4:05 AM

    And what's more, they eat your dreams! No, really! They devour dreams like a lion at an all-you-can-eat meat buffet! (Explanation: tapirs look like a mythical Japanese creature called Baku which eats dreams. Japanese people actually call tapirs baku!)

    ReplyDelete
  52. 03170463922641033070October 28, 2010 at 1:30 AM

    Graham Cluley, omegle a researcher at security firm Sophos, told BBC News that Twitter needs seslinefes "much tighter control" over what users can put tirtikla in a tweet to prevent similar problems in the future.

    He also sesliklas warned users to seslidunya continue to be on their guard, as once superonlinesesli an exploit had been found seslimekan there would be a raft arifcorlu of hackers looking for new Xat ones or ways to circumvent the patch.

    "We've birsesver seen it in the past," he said. "When Twitter says they have fixed a flaw, we see a new exploit again and again."

    ReplyDelete

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