Desperate otters turn to cute-based crime in the struggling economy

It's so nice to be walking alone in nature, without a care in the wor- AHH! Why is that thing so pink! DOES IT HAVE EYES?? What do you want? No, just don't hurt me, please. THAT'S ALL THE FISH I HAVE ON ME, I SWEAR. What? Okay, you can have the beer, too, just point that fucking thing somewhere else.

Ugh. I feel so dirty. I don't care how low I get, I'm never waving my baby in an otter's face. But I guess that's what separates us from the animals. We have moral standards. Then again, it's so easy to get a baby otter nowadays, I'm surprised this sort of thing doesn't happen more often. Look, I'm not saying otters shouldn't be allowed to have babies for personal protection in their own homes, but you have to draw the line somewhere, or otters are just going to have babies left and right, and some of them are going to get into the wrong hands. Now I have to go cancel my credit cards and take a shower.