Friday, November 13, 2009

I think you may have sat on your own face, clown monkey


Mandrill, I'd like to introduce you to a concept called restraint. Here's how it works: I don't make fun of the fact that you think chewing on a twig is cool, and you refrain from looking like your mom had sex with a box of Fruit Loops and made you. Honestly, of all the ridiculously insane monkeys out there, you have to be the craziest one of all. You're a primate, Mandrill, not a fucking Care Bear.

And as if it wasn't enough that you have a Van Gogh painting on your ass, you just had to get like an all-time amazing shampoo/blow out at the local salon. HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE IN THE WILD. It's so silky and planned, you are way too entirely ready for a night on the town in your rockin' unbuttoned shirt and puka shell necklace. Please stop your misguided search for a mate, wipe that shit off your face, and start eating a banana or something so other monkeys won't talk about you behind your back so much.
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63 comments:

  1. UnknownNovember 13, 2009 at 6:27 AM

    Totally disgusting display!

    ReplyDelete
  2. PersonalFailureNovember 13, 2009 at 6:45 AM

    oh, and the bright red pig nose? so last year!

    ReplyDelete
  3. KelseyNovember 13, 2009 at 6:49 AM

    If this isn't a drag queen monkey, then I don't know what is.

    ReplyDelete
  4. JordanNovember 13, 2009 at 7:14 AM

    Fun fact: the mandrill's face looks like that to mimic the coloring of their genitalia. He is literally a dick face.

    Second Fact: the animal under "ridiculously" is an ape, not a monkey.
    Tail=monkey No tail=ape

    ReplyDelete
  5. Melanie's RandomnessNovember 13, 2009 at 7:45 AM

    Ohhh hysterical. Absolutely hysterical. The fruit loops part made me laugh out loud. hehehe. van goh?!?! HAHAHA

    ReplyDelete
  6. UnknownNovember 13, 2009 at 8:10 AM

    I don't feel safe going out tonight. Obviously he has a stash of roofies hidden in that hair.

    ReplyDelete
  7. foxyNovember 13, 2009 at 8:59 AM

    if only i had a picture of that ass...

    ReplyDelete
  8. trulymadlydeeplyNovember 13, 2009 at 9:01 AM

    Your attack on the Clown Monkey makes me sad. How could you insult his rainbow like that, his bold attempt at being upfront about his love, be it for other bold-faced asses or simple country, girl-next-door twigs?

    DON'T LISTEN TO FUP, CM!

    Not like you have a choice anyway.
    I mean, they don't call it a perm for nothin'!

    ReplyDelete
  9. JohnNovember 13, 2009 at 9:15 AM

    You show restraint for not even mentioning the mohawk or dyed beard, but don't think they went unnoticed, mandrill.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Trooper ThornNovember 13, 2009 at 9:39 AM

    Mandrills are the shallowest of primates: all show and no substance.

    ReplyDelete
  11. MarianneNovember 13, 2009 at 9:53 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  12. MarianneNovember 13, 2009 at 9:55 AM

    omg fup is back, yay!

    ReplyDelete
  13. EdNovember 13, 2009 at 9:59 AM

    Contrary to a previous commentor, a mandrill is a big monkey, not an ape.

    ReplyDelete
  14. AnonymousNovember 13, 2009 at 10:04 AM

    Poor mandrill for having not so good looks...

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  15. MelissaNovember 13, 2009 at 10:45 AM

    Those are some ridiculously insane monkeys.

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  16. RicoNovember 13, 2009 at 10:58 AM

    "Fun fact: the mandrill's face looks like that to mimic the coloring of their genitalia."

    So that's why he doesn't mind the question "Why the long face?"

    ReplyDelete
  17. RicoNovember 13, 2009 at 11:16 AM

    God was making creatures early in history and young Jesus, who was hanging out watchin' Daddy work, asked if he could help. So God said unto his Son, "Sure, why not do some of the monkeys." Jesus asked unto his father "Are there any guidelines?" And God said "Just No Tails."

    And so, Jesus went a little crazy with the colours and wasn't very good at staying in the lines (as children are wont to do) thus explaining the fucking gong-show in monkeyland we see before us today.

    This also explains a few sea creatures, Boy George, Michael Jackson (too soon?), and Liza Minnelli. It does not, however, explain Barbra Streisand.

    ReplyDelete
  18. UnknownNovember 13, 2009 at 12:34 PM

    On your next vacation, let Rico do your comments. He also knows animals!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Julia BolchakovaNovember 13, 2009 at 1:20 PM

    So, how was the clown college, huh?

    ReplyDelete
  20. Wishing 4 OneNovember 13, 2009 at 2:34 PM

    what a jerk!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Drew B. DopeNovember 13, 2009 at 3:37 PM

    That's why I never fuck my Froot Loops. It can get ugly!

    ReplyDelete
  22. JWMNovember 13, 2009 at 8:05 PM

    All time funniest post of all time.

    JWM

    ReplyDelete
  23. WR November 13, 2009 at 8:42 PM

    Kinda of reminds me of Halloween in the Combat Zone (Boston) in the 1960's. But unless CM has had a LOT of work done, I doubt he was there...maybe he's doing retro...

    ReplyDelete
  24. AnonymousNovember 14, 2009 at 12:12 AM

    So Ronald McDonald is really a friggin clown monkey ripoff. That's copyright infringement right there. FU Ronald!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Mike!November 14, 2009 at 4:25 AM

    Where's all your friends and your tiny car beady eyed clown monkey?

    ReplyDelete
  26. AnonymousNovember 14, 2009 at 5:40 AM

    Having looked upon the monkey under "insane" I will now require extensive therapy.

    ReplyDelete
  27. AnonymousNovember 14, 2009 at 4:04 PM

    lol. And Mandrills can be such dicks.

    ReplyDelete
  28. 1316 FettermanNovember 15, 2009 at 8:21 PM

    A little too much blow dry, dude. Why not get out of the shower and just let it dry. Au naturel.

    ReplyDelete
  29. UnknownNovember 16, 2009 at 12:50 PM

    That Mandrill's too sexey for his shirt. My god what a mess.

    ReplyDelete
  30. nltismeNovember 16, 2009 at 1:44 PM

    Arrogant, self absorbed monkey bastard!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Organic MeatbagNovember 17, 2009 at 5:16 AM

    Myself? I think the Mandrils are cool...he looks like the John Wayne Gacy of monkeys...

    ReplyDelete
  32. finalanimestopNovember 17, 2009 at 10:07 PM

    Dude, like friggin hilarious. Hey, just a random thought, remember Spark Mandrill from Megaman X? Does anyone remember that? lol, how you had to beat Chill PENGUIN to beat him easier? Just so ironic, lol.

    ReplyDelete
  33. girl6November 18, 2009 at 10:26 PM

    Vain jerk. Fabulous, yes--but total attention whore. Get over yourself Mandrill, you magnificent bastard.

    Oh, and Ridiculously Insane Monkeys? God made magic mushrooms the same day He made you.

    Just so you know.

    ReplyDelete
  34. GeophileNovember 19, 2009 at 4:59 PM

    HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE IN THE WILD.---that made me lol out loud!

    ReplyDelete
  35. El CaganerNovember 21, 2009 at 10:37 AM

    What a douchebag.

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  36. UnknownNovember 22, 2009 at 2:05 PM

    I was just looking at the World Wildlife Fund catalog and you can adopt one of these assholes for $25.

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  37. Curious CharacterNovember 23, 2009 at 1:00 PM

    Mandrill you think you're so cool, but FYI you're a Ronald McDonald fruitloop love child arsehole, so suck on THAT.

    ReplyDelete
  38. UnknownDecember 2, 2009 at 1:10 AM

    What's up did you get kidnapped again?

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  39. AnonymousDecember 7, 2009 at 2:30 AM

    I hate you FUP. Just announce a fucking hiatus. You are way worse than the animals you pretend to hate. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. I hate you.

    ReplyDelete
  40. UnknownDecember 21, 2009 at 12:46 AM

    :)

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  41. AnonymousDecember 24, 2009 at 7:36 PM

    How will people afford pets when they have to pay for their pets carbon footprint?

    http://twawki.com/2009/12/25/carbon-christmas-and-the-carbon-religion/

    ReplyDelete
  42. UnknownJanuary 6, 2010 at 1:44 PM

    Agree with Nicole. What the hell. Thanks for leaving us high and dry! How many months is it gonna be? The book went to your head!!

    ReplyDelete
  43. AnonymousJanuary 10, 2010 at 9:12 AM

    Never fails to make me laugh at my computer in a creepish fashion.

    ReplyDelete
  44. LisaJanuary 23, 2010 at 9:15 AM

    I laughed so hard that I had to drag my daughter out to read it as well! She said I was crazy, but most teenagers say that about their mom! This is so funny!

    ReplyDelete
  45. MayJanuary 24, 2010 at 2:03 AM

    Dude. It's 3AM. And I'm awake because of YOU. You and your stupid blog. Fuck you, Fuck You Penguin.

    PS the one about the baby rhinos was my favorite. Those things are insane.

    ReplyDelete
  46. UnknownJanuary 24, 2010 at 4:57 PM

    Are you EVER going to blog again?

    ReplyDelete
  47. GebeFebruary 2, 2010 at 4:41 PM

    The ONLY time I ever took my Mother to the zoo, one of these guys very proudly displayed his bright pink erection: I was SO embarrassed! They so obviously know that we are looking at them. (So who's smarter??)

    ReplyDelete
  48. UnknownMarch 15, 2010 at 6:55 PM

    when are you going to do a new post? I refuse to buy your book until we get some more free content

    fu for not posting since last year:)

    ReplyDelete
  49. nltismeMarch 15, 2010 at 7:07 PM

    Dude I actually bought the book this week....okay! Please please post more! We miss you!

    ReplyDelete
  50. Miss.MazyApril 26, 2010 at 1:14 AM

    .....WHERE ARE YOUUU???? No updates in forever. *cries*

    ReplyDelete
  51. Peter BMay 1, 2010 at 7:35 AM

    Fuck You, BZA. Here you got me goddamn well hooked on reading your paltry offerings on animals, all the while pretending somehow that you,as a human, had become lord of the fucking manor.

    Now, that you've become all rich and famous and selling all your books and shirts and everything, us loyal followers (I guess you would call us your bitches) are left foundering here each day, holding the proverbial mirror up to this blog's nose to determine if it's still breathing.

    So listen up ass-hat, get your fucking hands off of your baby-maker and back onto your keyboard and come up with whatever semblance of a new post you can muster, you ignominous turd. You're not so high and mighty as you think.

    In the words of Rene Descartes, "you type, there you am ... amn't you?". Or something like that. Catch my drift, BZA?

    ReplyDelete
  52. Pets AdviserMay 3, 2010 at 11:28 AM

    Yeah, come back soon! We miss ya.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Nandoism™May 20, 2010 at 1:38 PM

    child, this animal looks like it's vogueing with its mouthful. I can't stand it. c'mon, didn't Madonna teach you any better? Get with the program buddy!

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  54. UnknownMay 22, 2010 at 9:29 AM

    I came across the book by accident. A lucky accident. it's wonderful to experience true belly laughs in public!

    ReplyDelete
  55. DarkSockJuly 5, 2010 at 1:05 PM

    Mandrill? I'd fuck 'im.

    ReplyDelete
  56. JaniceAugust 14, 2010 at 7:10 PM

    As far as that first picture goes, I am offended that you would insult the most gracious of all creatures. My own snake, Nagini (RIP) would have eaten you whole for that. Then you could make a post about how fucked it is to live inside a giant snake.

    ReplyDelete
  57. lauren carneySeptember 19, 2010 at 6:49 AM

    ohhhh fancy,
    i love your blog to pieces!
    its just grand!

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
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  61. AnonymousSeptember 20, 2011 at 3:37 AM

    I never seen like this monkey ever. so I am confuse that it's drag or original photo.

    find doctor

    ReplyDelete
  62. gdlNovember 26, 2011 at 3:03 PM

    I don't know who you are, don't know exactly how I got to your blog... But you are one funny person with a lot of shots of interesting animals. You are amusing to say the least.

    ReplyDelete
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