Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Dissatisfied ferrets resort to Jewish guilt


Ferrets have made no secret out of the fact that they are not happy about being so low down the list of favorite pets, hovering way below the classic favorites like dogs and cats and somewhere between a potbellied pig and a chia pet. Instead of taking this like a man, they unsurprisingly take it like a ferret, which means tons of fucking passive aggressive comments about how all the ferret wants is for you to be happy and if it doesn't make you happy, well, then maybe it just shouldn't be around any more.

This particular manipulative bastard has taken it to a whole other level. If a Ferret ever gives you shit like this, just say, "No, Ferret, I am not going to cook you to put you out of your misery. JUST BECAUSE I DON'T CALL EVERY WEEK DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T LOVE YOU ANY MORE. And stop looking at me like that, I will not be taken in by your firm but loving stare." Then slowly back away from the Ferret and when both of you are calmer you can make plans to firmly define your boundaries.
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56 comments:

  1. Melanie's RandomnessNovember 10, 2009 at 8:03 AM

    hahahaha!! Awwww but it's soo cute!! I love ferrets. I think they are underrated.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Nigel TewksburyNovember 10, 2009 at 8:06 AM

    I once had a pet ferret named Pythagoras--he had strikingly triangular ears. He died from the cold when I left him in my roadster on New Year's Eve. To be fair, he was an idiot.

    ReplyDelete
  3. SethNovember 10, 2009 at 8:19 AM

    Props for the weasel.

    ReplyDelete
  4. matatattNovember 10, 2009 at 8:54 AM

    The cuter they are, the tastier they are.

    ReplyDelete
  5. MaraNovember 10, 2009 at 9:20 AM

    Jewish guilt...are you sure that's a ferret? Maybe it's my mother cleverly disguised as a ferret...

    ReplyDelete
  6. texcatNovember 10, 2009 at 9:54 AM

    This is the best you can do after almost a month off...and 3 weeks off before that? FUP, you're losing your touch. What--the book royalties making you all candy-hearted toward the sneaky bastards that got you there?

    Jewish guilt...cheap, easy, beneath you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. UnknownNovember 10, 2009 at 10:19 AM

    I'm glad I finally bought the book, so I'll always have a memory of the true Fuck You, Penguin!

    ReplyDelete
  8. AnonymousNovember 10, 2009 at 10:32 AM

    Happiness is firmly defined boundaries.


    And a ferret in a pan.

    ReplyDelete
  9. tcs3600November 10, 2009 at 10:40 AM

    How come when they finally invent an animal that WANTS to be eaten, it's a smelly, scrawny ferret?

    Call me when there's a grass-fed steer in the pan.

    ReplyDelete
  10. The ClaireNovember 10, 2009 at 11:02 AM

    This is good. Very funny.

    Those fucking ferrets.

    ReplyDelete
  11. ChoppyNovember 10, 2009 at 11:04 AM

    Ferrets are like squirrels without the fluffy tails. And that's not a good thing.

    ReplyDelete
  12. RicoNovember 10, 2009 at 11:20 AM

    Stupid. Fucking. Ferret. This plan will NEVER work. Don't you know you're not even close to Kosher? Sigh, why does nature insist that "cute" must equal "dumb"? Now fuck off and don't try to weasel your way into another pun, I mean pan.

    ReplyDelete
  13. John Dantzer November 10, 2009 at 11:52 AM

    Poor ferret. He has such a bad rep. I think all he wants is some rotting carcass to chew on.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Marie SimasNovember 10, 2009 at 12:38 PM

    Ferrets stink. That's why they're not popular. They look clean, like cats, but they are, in fact, perpetually covered in a thin film of urine.

    Kinda like Sarah Palin.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Red LipstickNovember 10, 2009 at 12:43 PM

    So funny! I had a diva rabbit who would do the whole suicide-thumping-you hate me thing! They always win, they know they are too cute!

    ReplyDelete
  16. JohnNovember 10, 2009 at 12:53 PM

    I take you camping and this is how you thank me? Don't tempt me, ferret.

    ReplyDelete
  17. UnknownNovember 10, 2009 at 1:16 PM

    My friend's ferret, Stinky, was so depressed over his body odor that he threw himself in front of a semi.

    ReplyDelete
  18. UnknownNovember 10, 2009 at 2:38 PM

    This f'n ferret is about to go all Drugs Free commercial on his owners. "This is your ferret. This is your ferret on drugs. Any questions?" And then of course you will have a question. Where the hell did my ferret get the money to buy drugs? But by that time it will be too late. RIP druggy ferret. RIP.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Trooper ThornNovember 10, 2009 at 2:56 PM

    There's a reason ferrets aren't kosher.

    ReplyDelete
  20. AnonymousNovember 10, 2009 at 4:55 PM

    Ah fuck it, add some salt and a pinch of basil and the scare the fucker! That's a pretty good boundary for starters!

    ReplyDelete
  21. AnonymousNovember 10, 2009 at 6:55 PM

    Let's face it, besides The Beastmaster what have you really done ferret?

    ReplyDelete
  22. Andrea BergerNovember 10, 2009 at 8:29 PM

    This ferret is trying to guilt us through the art of song. It will never work, Ferret. Not on FUP's watch.

    ReplyDelete
  23. JWMNovember 10, 2009 at 8:48 PM

    Any ferret that will cook himself for you is all right by me.
    Pan fried Ferret.
    Yum.

    JWM

    ReplyDelete
  24. MikFossNovember 10, 2009 at 9:27 PM

    I once had a nile monitor and some people I lived with had a ferret. I imagine the scene just before he ate the nasty little devil looked just like this, and I bet the monitor was still hungry . . .

    ReplyDelete
  25. UnknownNovember 10, 2009 at 10:15 PM

    Love the post... It's true.
    And Red Lipstick, that's a normal territorial behavior for rabbits- it means the equivalent of "f*ck you, leave me alone in my area, thankyouverymuchsir!"

    ReplyDelete
  26. WR November 11, 2009 at 6:57 PM

    Standing in a ungreased pan on an unlit stove is more like the some weird protestant hybrid of Jewish guilt. Ferret call me when you finish grad school and we'll talk serious guilt trips. Until then, get out of the pan and write your mother!

    ReplyDelete
  27. SlackerNovember 12, 2009 at 6:27 PM

    That ferret is just angry that no one likes it! i gave you an award. check it out when you can!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Mike!November 12, 2009 at 7:29 PM

    I know what you're thinking, tastes like chicken, right?
    Wrong! Tastes like fried fucking rat! And who wants that? Not me, I'll just eat chicken, thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  29. UnknownNovember 13, 2009 at 12:06 AM

    Now, see, the ferret's problem is clear - complete and utter self-deprecation. Ferrets are the 3rd most popular pet in America, and yet all they can do is complain about how "nobody loves me, wah wah wah." SUCK IT UP, FERRET. Next thing you know they'll be claiming they were never loved as pups and now they need therapy to become full and complete creatures in tune with Nature and Harmony and shit.

    ReplyDelete
  30. The Lady's LoungeNovember 14, 2009 at 1:11 PM

    Some ferret's are truly loved by those fantastic owners who are in complete denial
    The ones who tell you that their ferrets don't stinky because they have been de-stinkified but then you walk in their house and are so overcome by the pungent stench that your nose and eyes start burning.

    "Look how cute they are in their little hammock!"

    "I can't see...ouch..ouch..my eyes are bleeding."

    http:/www.theladyslounge.com

    ReplyDelete
  31. nltismeNovember 16, 2009 at 1:49 PM

    OK....I have to be a surrender-monkey on this one...I freaking love ferrets. He can manipulate me any damned time he wants!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Joey BallgameNovember 17, 2009 at 1:50 PM

    Having experience with ferrets I wouldn't be surprised if it pooped in that saucer

    ReplyDelete
  33. ZenTravellersNovember 17, 2009 at 8:21 PM

    You know what Ferret, I was over you before you were a thing to be over. My allergies make me immune to you (sort of).

    ReplyDelete
  34. kittyNovember 21, 2009 at 9:57 AM

    Damn you ferrets!! Always stealing stuff and hiding them in shoes...WTF! If I wanted my stuff in my Nikes, I would have put it there!

    ReplyDelete
  35. El CaganerNovember 21, 2009 at 11:29 AM

    I pooped on a ferret once.

    ReplyDelete
  36. NikoleNovember 30, 2009 at 3:35 PM

    i love ferrets they are the best.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Rosa ODecember 2, 2009 at 1:08 AM

    Chinchillas beat ferrets every time. Have u ever written about chinchillas?? Im going to go check...

    ReplyDelete
  38. UnknownDecember 3, 2009 at 12:07 AM

    ;)

    ReplyDelete
  39. UnknownDecember 8, 2009 at 12:04 PM

    Damn ferrets, Bucky Katt is right to hate those buggers.

    ReplyDelete
  40. MrsHillyGDecember 16, 2009 at 10:42 AM

    That is hysterical! My grandmother uses Jewish guilt all the time... it's better when she has her eyeglasses on and tells me she can't see but she knows I'm doing evil things.

    GREAT post!

    ReplyDelete
  41. UnknownDecember 23, 2009 at 3:01 AM

    Fuck you, you fucking trouser snake fucking pervert ugly shit - fry you fuck

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  43. UnknownJanuary 4, 2010 at 9:34 AM

    Why is this blog genius and you hilarious! Poor ferret and its Jewish guilt!

    ReplyDelete
  44. LaurieJanuary 4, 2010 at 2:33 PM

    Hi FUP! Love Josh Is Trashy & found you from him ......

    Many ironies here: 1) JUST posted on my blog yesterday list of favorite things and one favo thing is our ferret Puck 2) our last name is Weckstein (equals jewish!) so Puck must be jewish!! 3) Word verification, for my first ever comment here is, you ready? ....."PETsesse"!!!!!!!

    Umm, oh yeah, screw you ferret haters!

    Glad I found you FUP. FUN over here!

    http://youmusttakeyourchanc.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  45. MGEJanuary 7, 2010 at 1:59 PM

    is this blog not happenning anymore or something?

    ReplyDelete
  46. AnonymousMarch 4, 2010 at 9:57 AM

    Actually, Sam Wise, ferrets never WERE pups. They were "kits". Maybe that is part of their problem.

    ReplyDelete
  47. KristinaVApril 15, 2010 at 7:47 PM

    such a funny pic, Ferrets are a bit too much like rodents lmao or are they lol

    ReplyDelete
  48. UnknownJuly 8, 2010 at 1:24 PM

    boogers taste better

    ReplyDelete
  49. UnknownJuly 8, 2010 at 1:27 PM

    and one pee pee touch

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
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  52. boros1124March 16, 2011 at 5:09 AM

    I love ferrets so cute! I have one.
    http://konyv-konyvek.hu/book_images/35a/999628435a.jpg

    ReplyDelete
  53. Oxford CollarApril 21, 2011 at 3:17 AM

    Dumb ferret doesn't even realise he'd stick to the pan without some olive oil. I don't even think he respects the laws of cookery!

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  56. trulymadlydeeplyMarch 21, 2012 at 5:46 AM

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    ReplyDelete

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