Monday, December 22, 2008

Petting zoo goats are like stuck-up celebrities with horns


Petting zoos are a hotbed of animal hubris. With children constantly saying how cute they are, it's important to let the goats know that not everybody is on their dicks 24/7. This dandy here hasn't gotten nearly enough humble pie, because he apparently thinks he's next in line on the runway in fucking Milan. Ummm, not every goat just gets to lie around all day waiting for little 6 year olds to come and rub them behind the ears. Some goats actually have to work hard all day to find 6 year olds to rub them behind the ears.

What I'm trying to say, Goat, is that you can't have this carrot. I know I promised it to you earlier in a moment of weakness, but I also know goats can't use tape recorders, and there are limited legal avenues that you can pursue. TIME TO FEND FOR YOURSELF, GOAT. Hey- no- stop doing that! Ah... dammit.
at

26 comments:

  1. DHDecember 22, 2008 at 11:49 AM

    And, Goat, that has got to be the worst imitation of Billy Gibbons I have ever seen!

    Sharp-dressed bovidae, my ass!

    ReplyDelete
  2. True Blue LiberalDecember 22, 2008 at 11:51 AM

    I have a nice goatskin jacket I enjoy wearing to the local petting zoo.
    That tends to put them in their places.

    ReplyDelete
  3. SlapsBratsDecember 22, 2008 at 11:51 AM

    Fucking arrogant ass goats think it's SO easy to get a head rub from an unassuming child. Do me a favor, goat, and clip that hair in front of your eyes. Who do you think you are, some Hollywood movie star that can hide behind his shades all day?! I can't stand you, goat, but your cheese is quite tasty in my salad...

    ReplyDelete
  4. roseDecember 22, 2008 at 11:57 AM

    and what's with your pupils going the wrong way? WTF? you just HAD to be different. it's not cute, it creeps me out and i am not spending a quarter to give you pellets, have my hand get messy and smell like ass.
    but i WILL have a goat cheese pizza any day, just don't give me stink-eye with those fucked up pupils.

    and i am SO honored to give you inspiration.

    ReplyDelete
  5. FUCatsDecember 22, 2008 at 12:00 PM

    Like any other washed up celebrity, he looks doped out as well. Hmm...is that your scam goat? Are you using children to get you the dope?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Brian KennyDecember 22, 2008 at 12:04 PM

    Ok, Goat, having your bangs tinted like that just makes me want to smack you...and don't scapegoat your overpaid stylist.

    ReplyDelete
  7. RougDecember 22, 2008 at 12:12 PM

    I've got one word for you, Goat.

    Soup.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Talk With No ThoughtDecember 22, 2008 at 12:14 PM

    Goats. Everyone knows they're the whores of the petting zoo.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Juliette TangDecember 22, 2008 at 12:15 PM

    what's with the fringey bangs, goat? you think you're a hipster or something? like you're cool cuz you have two toned hair, bangs that cover your eyes, and ironic facial hair?

    ReplyDelete
  10. SouthernBelleDecember 22, 2008 at 12:40 PM

    That goat is a total emo kid.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Will NiccollsDecember 22, 2008 at 1:09 PM

    That's the same goat I saw cutting off an old lady in the cross walk today.

    ReplyDelete
  12. CindyDecember 22, 2008 at 3:03 PM

    Goat cheese sucks. One reason I hate goats. He seems to have attitude too. I never thought about it before. You think you're special goat? Are you punk, emo, or an unshaved hippie? Make up your mind goat. Your eyes are weird and you creep me out.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Madame LethargeDecember 22, 2008 at 5:52 PM

    Such an adorable, clueless, silly beastie cannot be tolerated. And so entitled.

    ReplyDelete
  14. AnonymousDecember 22, 2008 at 6:37 PM

    Merry fucking Christmas?

    http://www.zooborns.com/zooborns/2008/12/otter-you-glad-for-the-holidays.html

    ReplyDelete
  15. UnknownDecember 22, 2008 at 6:52 PM

    I saw that goat on TMZ. She flashed her hunaner getting out of her Jag, then hoof-slapped a paparazzi.

    ReplyDelete
  16. conchaDecember 22, 2008 at 7:13 PM

    i think adam sandler said, "well fuck me in the goatass"

    ReplyDelete
  17. AnonymousDecember 22, 2008 at 8:46 PM

    The problem with goats is that they have tiny penises. Gotta play up that "I'm so awesome" thing so the chix will notice 'em. Why do you think goats are the catchers?

    ReplyDelete
  18. RecoveryDecember 23, 2008 at 4:27 AM

    I met this goat when he was playing bass for Skynyrd. He's not only a huge cockface, but he's unrepentant about walking around, begging for attention all day. Actually, I think he's a she-goat.
    Dumb whore goatess.

    ReplyDelete
  19. monkeyroticaDecember 23, 2008 at 5:12 AM

    Know what that goat is saying? It's saying, "Eat me, muthaf***er!" You gonna let him talk to you like that? Huh?

    ReplyDelete
  20. Gorilla GalDecember 23, 2008 at 11:26 AM

    damn you goat, for having a cooler haircut than me.
    i hate you!

    ReplyDelete
  21. gibsongirlDecember 23, 2008 at 11:37 AM

    Hey you stupid piece of shit goat...your hairpiece looks ridiculous. Everybody knows you're chrome-doming it under there so, dammit just own it.

    ReplyDelete
  22. JohnDecember 23, 2008 at 4:08 PM

    God, what an asshole. Even by goat standards.

    ReplyDelete
  23. ZakintoshDecember 23, 2008 at 10:57 PM

    Discovered your blog 3 days ago and I think it's fucking criminal to deprive of my sleep and keep my neighbors awake with the sound of my loud laughter while going through the entire archives. Certainly among the most consistently funny and clever blogs I have ever encountered.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Alex McCurdyDecember 24, 2008 at 1:32 AM

    "work hard all day" picture made me lawlz for like ten minutes.

    ReplyDelete
  25. ColleenDecember 24, 2008 at 10:57 PM

    Paula Abdul wants her bangs back ya thievin' little barn dweller!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Kendra HollidayJanuary 13, 2009 at 1:37 PM

    Looks like Brad Pitt in one of those period pieces. I mean, Baaah-d Pitt.

    ReplyDelete

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