Friday, February 13, 2009

Mailbags are not your personal limo, Otter

>>ANIMALS IN THE NEWS WEEK<<
One of the more tragic recent instances of humans being forced to do the bidding of cute animals took place in Scotland last month. After finding a defenseless mailman on the side of the road, this otter sneakily convinced the man to give her a personal fucking tour of Scotland, before bringing her home and feeding her a bunch of salmon every day! This further cements the otter threat in Scotland, which has been growing for some time now. At this point, Scottish people are slaves to the otters, and soon residents will be legally obligated to carry salmon on them at all times. I'm not saying this to be provocative, I'm just being realistic, seeing as this otter has proven to be an unstoppable, salmon-eating, kitten-befriending force.

I'm sorry, my Scottish friends. Stay strong. And to you, Otter, you have ruined my Friday. I hope you choke on that salmon I sent you.
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57 comments:

  1. SteveFebruary 13, 2009 at 5:46 AM

    How dare he be so cute!!!

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  2. The Cheap-Arse Film CriticFebruary 13, 2009 at 5:58 AM

    I have nothing witty to even atempt to say. That's just fucking adorable.

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  3. WalterFebruary 13, 2009 at 6:06 AM

    First England and now Otters. Scotland is really getting the shaft.

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  4. Hello Pineapples!February 13, 2009 at 6:11 AM

    Damn those otters! Will they stop at nothing to spread their cuteness?

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  5. Tim McNuttFebruary 13, 2009 at 6:12 AM

    So you're telling me that we're about 2-3 years away from Mel Gibson making Braveheart 2: Rise of the Otter?

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  6. PersonalFailureFebruary 13, 2009 at 6:20 AM

    Otters have clearly surpassed chipmunks for devious cuteness. Beware!

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  7. AnonymousFebruary 13, 2009 at 6:25 AM

    Someone otter teach this lil squirt who's da boss!

    That said: oooo, wuzzawuzza, who's da widdle cutiepie?

    ReplyDelete
  8. MameFebruary 13, 2009 at 6:34 AM

    He's so damn cute I could drop kick his sweet ass right into the Loch Ness.

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  9. G double dash LOCFebruary 13, 2009 at 6:39 AM

    This otter has taken "Scottish Rite" to a whole new level!

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  10. M@February 13, 2009 at 6:42 AM

    ALMOST as cute as a little baby penguin (in my opinion).

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  11. MeegFebruary 13, 2009 at 6:43 AM

    Will you nae be toting me around in your sack?

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  12. diFebruary 13, 2009 at 7:02 AM

    Since I developed diabetes just looking at that picture, I'll be sending you my medical bills, Otter. Jerk.

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  13. Melody!February 13, 2009 at 7:05 AM

    That there otter will probably never have any of those heart problems that people get to get, because on the account of all of that salmon that that otter gets to eat all the time! Of this, I am pretty sure of!

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  14. drollgirlFebruary 13, 2009 at 7:17 AM

    GO TEAM OTTER. fuck the humans. and the salmon.

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  15. Jessica MooneyFebruary 13, 2009 at 7:20 AM

    Nice going Otter. Where does it end Otter? How low can one creature stoop? Stop being an asshole,Otter, get over your cute self already. Jeez.

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  16. BFebruary 13, 2009 at 7:24 AM

    otter. you win. i lose. the dark void opens.

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  17. UnknownFebruary 13, 2009 at 7:42 AM

    I am dangerously close to falling victim to this otter's cuteness.

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  18. Will NiccollsFebruary 13, 2009 at 8:03 AM

    Oh god.

    I've said some very bad things about animals on this blog.

    But this otter makes me take it all back.

    I'm in love. Baby otters, adult otters, otters otters otters.

    Otters, let me count the ways!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Kafka Stole My BikeFebruary 13, 2009 at 8:09 AM

    Hahaha- the joke is on you otter: I don't even like salmon! I almost feel sorry for that cat, but then I noticed his adorable white fur and cute little paws. ARGH!

    Cute animals playing together makes me want to scoop out my eyes with my yogurt spoon.

    Punk- you're well on your way to spoiling my Friday morning....

    ReplyDelete
  20. AnonymousFebruary 13, 2009 at 8:25 AM

    Orla the otter is the sweetest thing evah...

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  21. noneFebruary 13, 2009 at 8:44 AM

    This otter is destroying my soul.

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  22. AnonymousFebruary 13, 2009 at 10:12 AM

    Heart...melting...send...help...

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  23. Bobby RockitFebruary 13, 2009 at 11:06 AM

    Don't the Scots have it bad enough? Haggis. Bagpipes. Kilts. Now this?!? I HATE this cruel world!!!!

    Mother Nature, you are a whore to let this blight go unchecked!!!

    ReplyDelete
  24. AnonymousFebruary 13, 2009 at 11:07 AM

    Fuck you and your adowable wittle paws Otter! You hear me! Fuck you!

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  25. DHFebruary 13, 2009 at 12:28 PM

    I'm Scottish, and this is craaaap!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Dr. NoFebruary 13, 2009 at 1:01 PM

    Oh, that explains the otter shit all over my haggis shipment..as if it wasn't disgusting enough already. Fuck you otter.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Reeny's Ramblin'February 13, 2009 at 1:05 PM

    Instead of Scotch meatpie, maybe they can make Otter pies, that would take care of the population....

    ReplyDelete
  28. TanyaFebruary 13, 2009 at 2:11 PM

    I've been avid Fuck you Penguin fan for some time now, and while many of the animals are cute and cuddly, I have also seen the errors of their ways.

    Otter, you have broken me. You have forced a poor mailman to carry you cross country and spend 15 pounds a day so you can have fresh salmon but I just can't find it in me to hate you.

    Damn you, Otter! I thought I was stronger than this.

    ReplyDelete
  29. OzarkTroutBumFebruary 13, 2009 at 2:28 PM

    The Scottish are the lowest of the low. The scum of the fucking Earth! The most wretched, miserable, servile, pathetic trash that was ever shat into civilization. Some hate the Otters. I don't. They're just wankers. They, on the other hand, are SUBJUGATED by wankers. Can't even find a decent species to be subjugated BY. We're ruled by effete assholes. It's a SHITE state of affairs to be in, Tommy, and ALL the fresh air in the world won't make any fucking difference!

    To the Scottish: CHOOSE LIFE!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  30. MaggieFebruary 13, 2009 at 2:54 PM

    Get over yourself, otter!!

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  31. CindyFebruary 13, 2009 at 4:40 PM

    I'm at a loss. The baby otter is CUTE.

    ReplyDelete
  32. boobooFebruary 13, 2009 at 6:28 PM

    You think life is all cute faces and neck bubs and tummy rubs, Otter Baby?

    Huh?

    I'm talking to you!

    Well, it isn't.

    Not by a long, or even by a short shot.

    It's cold and hard.

    I used to get all sorts of affection when I was a mere slip of a lad, Otter Boy.

    It was all, "Oh, isn't he a sweetie pie." And "My, he looks just like a poached egg."

    But that all changed, Otter Baby.

    Now all I get is "Move along, buster" and "Get your hands off my ass, perve."

    Cold world.

    You'll see, smug and complacent Otter baby.

    You'll see.

    ReplyDelete
  33. t-e-sFebruary 13, 2009 at 7:13 PM

    yes! you mustve known two things about me. 1 - it's my birthday. 2 - otters are my least favourite animal in the entire world

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  34. garth2February 13, 2009 at 11:19 PM

    look out. the next assault is here: http://www.zooborns.com/zooborns/2009/02/sf-zoos-baby-gorilla-needs-a-name.html

    ReplyDelete
  35. yarravillewahineFebruary 14, 2009 at 12:02 AM

    That's adorable! Like that film "Ring of Bright Water" or was it "Watership Down"? No, wait, don't they all die in the end of that one? Anyway, that is really Cute Overload

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  36. UnknownFebruary 14, 2009 at 2:42 AM

    ;-)

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  37. MotorWeek SucksFebruary 14, 2009 at 1:18 PM

    This otter is a fucking douche.

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  38. get in hereFebruary 15, 2009 at 2:58 AM

    Hmm, he looks proper evil.

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  39. AnonymousFebruary 15, 2009 at 6:41 AM

    THAT is deplorable.

    Bet he has fish breath!

    ReplyDelete
  40. G. Keenan SchneiderFebruary 15, 2009 at 7:00 AM

    And, of course, all of this media exposure is just putting one more nail in the coffin. Once the Otter party feels as though it has a firm backing from the news corporations, they'll stage a coup, and the next thing we know, Scotland will officially be changing its name to "Salmonville" and all the people will be forced to live in wildlife ponds.

    ReplyDelete
  41. AeroentropyFebruary 15, 2009 at 7:27 AM

    I'm sorry. Teh Cute.

    ReplyDelete
  42. cdninusFebruary 15, 2009 at 8:23 AM

    Wow. I cannot believe that no one has yet commented on the most eye-opening part of that article: they sell kitten milk at Tesco? are you fucking kidding me? in what aisle? unnecessarily adorable dairy products? Or wait...unless it's milk made with or from kittens...that's not so cute. but either way, it's weird and ought to be investigated immediately by someone near a Tesco.

    ReplyDelete
  43. AnonymousFebruary 15, 2009 at 8:37 AM

    Otters AND kittens? Fuck right off. Also, a kitten named Kevin, *kitten milk*, otter-belly rubbing and a Scottish accent? Consider yourself off my feed reader, FUP. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  44. TechnogeekboyFebruary 15, 2009 at 9:52 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  45. TechnogeekboyFebruary 15, 2009 at 9:54 AM

    What the heck is "kitten milk?" Can you actually purchase the milk of mother cats? Do they use wee pumps to extract it? Do we know the full effects of otters slowly being turned into kittens? I think I just had a stroke?

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  46. Al of OzFebruary 16, 2009 at 4:16 AM

    fuking ottos

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  47. Michael J. KaplanFebruary 17, 2009 at 4:46 PM

    um, I'm sorry . . .I can't think of a single snarky thing to say. This picture absolutely melted me. I'm weak. Pathetic. I know. Go. Run Luke Run. Leave me behind. I'm making this my desk top photo right now!

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  48. JFebruary 17, 2009 at 5:03 PM

    Dear Otter,

    Who the fuck do you think you are?


    Regards,
    Everyone

    ReplyDelete
  49. EggOfTheDeadFebruary 20, 2009 at 1:24 PM

    "I will crush you like a clam on my tummy!"

    Is what I would say if I were an otter.

    ReplyDelete
  50. KeefusFebruary 21, 2009 at 10:28 AM

    Note in the video report, the involvement of the local Tesco.

    Is there no lows Tesco will not stoop to, to enslave the population of our fair Isles?

    Bastards.

    ReplyDelete
  51. natsukiFebruary 23, 2009 at 12:18 AM

    You know Otters will eat cats and small dogs. I'm just saying that potentially, the Otter is only befriending the kittens to EAT THEM.

    ReplyDelete
  52. AnonymousFebruary 23, 2009 at 6:15 AM

    Otters are a seriously underestimated menace. You think an otter that size can make you do its bidding, just try getting up close to a sea otter. There is no resisting that shit.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Pen PenFebruary 24, 2009 at 12:23 PM

    cuteness overload!!!!!!!

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  54. UnknownFebruary 27, 2009 at 1:25 PM

    That was the most horrifying video I've ever seen. Seriously I think I need to leave work early and start drinking.

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  55. BLAHBLAHBLOGMarch 2, 2009 at 4:52 PM

    i love you, angry blogger.

    ReplyDelete
  56. JeremiahJanuary 26, 2010 at 10:29 PM

    i know where to get salmon, and lots of it.

    i also am looking for otters, to complete the stock requirements for my soon to be built semi-automated taxidermy plant.

    maybe we could horse trade some otter for salmon.

    feed the people, not the wildlife. they can get their own shit.

    ReplyDelete
  57. The WangOctober 24, 2010 at 10:24 PM

    Oh, thank you Sesli sohbet for sharing! I'm in the midst of wedding planning, Camfrog 18 Odalar and both my fiance and I are NOT cake lovers, and can't imagine spending hundreds of dollars on one dessert we don't even like! Forum | Video | Site Map We're planning on doing a buffet of family recipes Sohbet Ruleti, Chat Ruleti pies, cookies, cheesecake, etc - and some of our favorite candies in apothecary jars :) I love to see that
    others are SesliSohbet, Sesli Sohbet thinking out of the [cake] box, too!

    ReplyDelete

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