Friday, June 5, 2009

I don't know what the fuck this is but I don't like it


A reader came across this Unidentified Furry Object in Peru, and I thought maybe there was someone out there who could call out this fucker by name.

Why is it standing on a bench? Why is it drinking from a mug? WHY ARE ITS WHISKERS SO LONG BUT ITS TAIL SO SHORT?

If you can identify this animal and answer all of these questions, you and a guest will fly all expenses paid to Peru to have a beer with the animal and see what develops. (Offer void where you live.)
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109 comments:

  1. Athena.June 5, 2009 at 6:11 AM

    I felt myself die a little bit on the inside.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousJune 5, 2009 at 6:15 AM

    Mountain paca. Nasty fucker.

    ReplyDelete
  3. jeadlyJune 5, 2009 at 6:23 AM

    1. He's tired.
    2. He's thirsty.
    3. Pull whiskers, shorten tail.

    ReplyDelete
  4. PatJune 5, 2009 at 6:27 AM

    It's one of the Rodents of Unusual Size from the Fire Swamp. I'm, like, 70% sure. Okay... 50% sure.

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousJune 5, 2009 at 6:28 AM

    It could be a very lost Tasmanian devil.

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousJune 5, 2009 at 6:29 AM

    It looks like an otter.

    ReplyDelete
  7. MaraJune 5, 2009 at 6:32 AM

    You know guinea pigs are food in Peru. There are like millions of them running around in rural parts of the country. They fry them whole, so you end up with a crispy rodent, nails and teeth and all, staring at you from your plate. I tried it...too many bones for me.

    ReplyDelete
  8. UnknownJune 5, 2009 at 6:32 AM

    It's the Chupacabra! He just wanted some water, and some paparazzi fuckwad took his picture.. shamless fucks.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Jessica MooneyJune 5, 2009 at 6:33 AM

    Whatever it is, it is so fucking cute that I may just kill myself. It's drinking out of a cup! What the hell is that crap?

    ReplyDelete
  10. BioPeachJune 5, 2009 at 6:35 AM

    Isn't that Danny DeVito?

    ReplyDelete
  11. AnonymousJune 5, 2009 at 6:55 AM

    NUTRIA, maybe!

    ReplyDelete
  12. UnknownJune 5, 2009 at 6:55 AM

    I think he's a pacarana ("terrible rat"). See http://www.newquayzoo.org.uk/conservation/overseas-projects.htm for further horror.

    ReplyDelete
  13. tea_pleaseJune 5, 2009 at 7:00 AM

    OMG, the first photo was okay but I made the mistake of clicking on the link:

    I just peed my pants. Thanks a lot. I'm a work, sitting in a puddle now.

    You should've warned us on that, dude.

    ReplyDelete
  14. trulymadlydeeplyJune 5, 2009 at 7:00 AM

    Seriously. WTF is that?

    ReplyDelete
  15. AnonymousJune 5, 2009 at 7:13 AM

    That's a rat on a miniature bench, with a miniature mug.

    TICKETS TO PERU PLEASE

    ReplyDelete
  16. Lindsay B.June 5, 2009 at 7:14 AM

    I sort of just want to know, WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS? It's like he thinks he has opposable thumbs, or something. Stick to what you know, mystery rodent.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Rebecca WilsonJune 5, 2009 at 7:25 AM

    I don't think it is a nutria, they have super long rat tails (because they are rats). But possibly it is a cuy, a Peruvian guinea pig, which are roasted whole and eaten. Which I think is even more barbarous than those whiskers.

    ReplyDelete
  18. UnknownJune 5, 2009 at 7:29 AM

    My god - you found my long lost nephew. How can I repay you?

    ReplyDelete
  19. SethJune 5, 2009 at 7:33 AM

    Ok, do you know the photographer, because I am missing a cup?

    ReplyDelete
  20. Abbie RoadJune 5, 2009 at 7:38 AM

    pfft that's no danny devito that's my ex boyfriend.. THAT SNEAKY LITTLE RAT!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. AnonymousJune 5, 2009 at 7:42 AM

    Haha, very cute!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Dr. Jay SWJune 5, 2009 at 7:45 AM

    good god, it's a fucking chupacabra...stay away from it!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Rob VeaterJune 5, 2009 at 7:56 AM

    It is most certainly a pacarana (Dinomys branickii)visit http://www.arkive.org/pacarana/dinomys-branickii/ to see it in all its glory

    ReplyDelete
  24. AnonymousJune 5, 2009 at 8:00 AM

    That is the ugliest damn guinea pig I have ever seen. I would fry it and eat it too.

    ReplyDelete
  25. DanielleJune 5, 2009 at 8:31 AM

    Is anyone else worried by the red blood-ish looking liquid all around it on the bench, or is that just me? Whatever it is, keep a distance.

    ReplyDelete
  26. AngelkaJune 5, 2009 at 8:47 AM

    I think it may be this guy (he gets around):
    http://www.hulu.com/watch/12319/ice-age-nut-in-the-rain

    ReplyDelete
  27. Steph(anie)June 5, 2009 at 9:07 AM

    I wouldn't go to Peru if you paid me. Those little ankle biters are FREAKY looking.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Birdie!June 5, 2009 at 9:11 AM

    Definitely ROUS'ses

    ReplyDelete
  29. William OwenJune 5, 2009 at 9:13 AM

    And thos there did I behold a pale horse, and he that rode upon him was that thing, and its name was death.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Wishing 4 OneJune 5, 2009 at 9:19 AM

    holy sh*t. that f-er is terrible. i clicked the pic and got another taste of that little rat bastard, good god help me. he should be shot. and wtf he's drinking out of a cup, please kill me now.

    ReplyDelete
  31. kefuoeJune 5, 2009 at 9:20 AM

    Similar to those mentioned above. Watch out though!
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_agouti
    “When feeding, agoutis sit on their hind legs and hold food between their forepaws.”
    “They are regarded as the only species that can open Brazil nuts without tools, mainly thanks to their strength and exceptionally sharp teeth.”

    ReplyDelete
  32. AnonymousJune 5, 2009 at 9:22 AM

    I Googled pacarana and that's not what it is al all. http://www.symbolicsound.com/cgi-bin/bin/view/Products/Pacarana

    ReplyDelete
  33. GainaJune 5, 2009 at 9:24 AM

    Ha! Did that little bastard actually think he could get away with being criminally cute and not get named? He didn't recon on me having photoshop and google at my disposal, oh no.

    Well after upping the exposure a little I think we're dealing with an Agouti, very probably 'Agouti taczanowskii'.

    'Fluffy, spotten Peruvian Asshole' more like.

    ReplyDelete
  34. BillJune 5, 2009 at 9:34 AM

    Gay Penguins raising chick: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31123391/

    ReplyDelete
  35. Mae WestJune 5, 2009 at 9:48 AM

    is he a capybara?

    ReplyDelete
  36. UnknownJune 5, 2009 at 10:02 AM

    ...he's standing on a bench drinking out of a cup...he looks so casual about it.

    ...ahh...

    I can't fucking handle this.

    ReplyDelete
  37. John DroverJune 5, 2009 at 10:09 AM

    kalliesz is correct. It is a pacarana. A smart and dexterous one at that! Peruvians are in big trouble here

    ReplyDelete
  38. UnknownJune 5, 2009 at 10:17 AM

    Capybaras. It's the largest rodent in South America. Disgusting. They're all over the streets of Buenos Aires.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Mister 1-2-3-4June 5, 2009 at 10:18 AM

    This little bastard totally reminds me of "The Doubtful Guest" by Edward Gorey. Careful he doesn't move in with you and start hiding all your bath towels.

    ReplyDelete
  40. UnknownJune 5, 2009 at 10:19 AM

    it looks very much like a chinchilla. check out the link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinchilla

    ReplyDelete
  41. JediJeffJune 5, 2009 at 10:33 AM

    I think that sucker is some CGI test character for an upcoming sequel to Iron Man.

    ReplyDelete
  42. AnonymousJune 5, 2009 at 10:36 AM

    TOTES a pacarana:

    http://www.arkive.org/media/7F/7FCBFEDD-D915-4D0B-823E-A1B2949FF72D/Presentation.Large/photo.jpg

    Feast your eyes on THAT.

    ReplyDelete
  43. AidanJune 5, 2009 at 11:05 AM

    I blame this motherfucker for the hole in the ozone layer

    ReplyDelete
  44. DHJune 5, 2009 at 11:41 AM

    Not Iron Man, Jeff...that's Wolverine BEFORE he has his first cup of morning coffee...

    ReplyDelete
  45. EricJune 5, 2009 at 11:49 AM

    Rodents drinking beer... Next thing you know, they'll be talking on a cell phone and driving.

    ReplyDelete
  46. MikeJune 5, 2009 at 12:03 PM

    It looks like an agouti. They sit on their hind legs and hold their food between their front paws, so drinking from a cup like that is within spec. Agouti tails tend to be short.

    ReplyDelete
  47. The MouseJune 5, 2009 at 12:08 PM

    What a frat boy. I can't take it. Some of us don't want to relive those college years, dude.

    ReplyDelete
  48. SDGJune 5, 2009 at 12:12 PM

    That thing is awesome! I want to take it to a strip club!

    ReplyDelete
  49. TechnogeekboyJune 5, 2009 at 12:13 PM

    It's a Peruvian Fuck Rat.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Michael JasonJune 5, 2009 at 1:15 PM

    pretty sure its a Llama

    ReplyDelete
  51. J.M. FerrettiJune 5, 2009 at 1:25 PM

    This is how it starts - first they drink from cups, next thing you know the little fuckers are building A-bombs in their burrow (or wherever these little shits live)...

    ReplyDelete
  52. WilliamJune 5, 2009 at 1:58 PM

    Looks like a vile little bastard.

    ReplyDelete
  53. UnknownJune 5, 2009 at 2:04 PM

    I'm going to catch it, then bum it. Dry. It will know pain, oh yes it will know pain.

    ReplyDelete
  54. @whutJune 5, 2009 at 2:26 PM

    Its a gerbil wearing a hairshirt.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Vijay RajendranJune 5, 2009 at 3:05 PM

    It's Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

    ReplyDelete
  56. Traveling rhinosJune 5, 2009 at 3:08 PM

    Its a baby Pacarana probably.

    ReplyDelete
  57. AsianGirlProfJune 5, 2009 at 3:15 PM

    Looks like a puffin to me.

    ReplyDelete
  58. JoseJune 5, 2009 at 3:25 PM

    when we're gone, smart rodents can take over.

    ReplyDelete
  59. UnknownJune 5, 2009 at 3:37 PM

    Could it be a northern Vizcacha perhaps?

    http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Northern_vizcacha2.jpg

    ReplyDelete
  60. UnknownJune 5, 2009 at 4:54 PM

    I'll never drink from a mug again, fuck him and his small tail!

    ReplyDelete
  61. UnknownJune 5, 2009 at 5:02 PM

    To the tune of Macarena...

    Come and find me, my name is PACARANA.
    Always at the party con las chicas que son buena.
    Hey PACARANA! Ay!

    Dirty little paws on something that clearly does not belong to him. Who does he think he is fooling with that cute "i am just finishing my meeelk" look? gross.

    ReplyDelete
  62. kaefJune 5, 2009 at 6:23 PM

    It's a Woodchuck. How may chucks would a fucking Woodchuck fuck, if a Woodchuck could fuck chucks?

    ReplyDelete
  63. UnknownJune 5, 2009 at 6:50 PM

    He's on the list of the Top Eleven Most Wanted Rodents: I've seen his picture before.
    http://media-2.web.britannica.com/eb-media/03/24103-004-955EBE73.jpg

    ReplyDelete
  64. WR June 5, 2009 at 7:26 PM

    I hope some twit in Peru doesn't give it a passport! Life here is already too complicated to share it with a rat relative who has boundary issues. I for one draw the line at sharing the car!

    ReplyDelete
  65. LizzibellaJune 5, 2009 at 7:33 PM

    ROUS

    ReplyDelete
  66. abelardJune 5, 2009 at 8:26 PM

    This shit is too funny!

    ReplyDelete
  67. Kevin P. GroarkJune 5, 2009 at 8:42 PM

    I think this is a baby lowland paca... Tasty!

    ReplyDelete
  68. liquid paperJune 5, 2009 at 10:16 PM

    oh you silly twat-

    her tail is short because
    10 years ago her (ex) boyfriend chopped it
    machete style
    whilst humming van morrison jamz.

    "all the niiiiggghhhttttsssss magic"
    AND CHOP.

    like
    men :::ahemcoughboys:::
    tend
    to
    he didn't feel he'd inflicted enough damage,

    so he punched her in the ovaries.

    THEN
    fate said:
    o inbred squirrel. as if you ain't been through enough ish already. lets jack all your estrogen and load you up with what dem emos got. make you a prone to dark eyeliner and gun for insomnia. YEA, that's right. develop moon facies, christmas tree-like spotting.

    you'll be one ugly squirrel.

    and even less cute/more obnoxious animals will ignore you.

    no wonder she's an alcoholic.
    and can you blame her??

    (word)

    ReplyDelete
  69. KatherineJune 5, 2009 at 10:26 PM

    http://www.k9assistance.co.uk/uploaded_images/DSC02223-709619.JPG

    Look at how big it gets.

    ReplyDelete
  70. UnknownJune 6, 2009 at 2:54 AM

    ;)

    ReplyDelete
  71. Aunty ChristJune 6, 2009 at 3:48 AM

    It's a Peruvian pygmy ground squirrel. That bench has been in his family for generations. His bisabuelo made the bench to commemorate the birth of his first-born son. Simply put: Standing on a bench is in his blood. The squirrel is also an alcoholic. His wife knows this, and threw out all the alcohol in the house in a fit of rage. But this crafty guy found a bottle of rubbing alcohol and a bottle of cough syrup and mixed the two in a ceramic mug so no one would see what he was drinking. As to the hairstyle: Party in the front, business in the rear. That's how squirrels roll, eso.

    Also, the squirrel is clearly an asshole. I don't know if I made that clear or not.

    I haven't really lived for ages. God, I hope I win.

    ReplyDelete
  72. Sethjj1975June 6, 2009 at 4:17 AM

    I think it must still be imaginary animal week, cuz I refuse to believe in that wretched creature. Fuck that.

    ReplyDelete
  73. Nancy TobyJune 6, 2009 at 10:43 AM

    Obviously in jail. And using a plastic cup because they just turn any metal object they can get their paws on into a shiv.

    ReplyDelete
  74. liquid paperJune 6, 2009 at 10:58 AM

    damnit. nancy wins.

    genius

    ReplyDelete
  75. nltismeJune 6, 2009 at 5:24 PM

    What the hell is it y'all...for real....this is driving me nuts!

    ReplyDelete
  76. AnonymousJune 6, 2009 at 6:15 PM

    It's probably a gibnut, also know as paca or "halay" in Mopan Maya. I ate it when I lived in Belize. So did the Queen of England, apparently, when she visited Belize.

    Love your blog!!! Only wish it didn't require s Net Nanny intercepts to get to it each time.

    ReplyDelete
  77. AnonymousJune 6, 2009 at 9:25 PM

    This is freaking brilliant. The sould quakes a bit at the cuteness.

    ReplyDelete
  78. AnonymousJune 6, 2009 at 9:26 PM

    *soul* damn.

    ReplyDelete
  79. AnonymousJune 7, 2009 at 7:51 AM

    This is the most hilarious blog I have ever seen.

    ReplyDelete
  80. LeafJune 7, 2009 at 3:17 PM

    It looks like a cross between a spotted quoll and a tasmanian devil that got very confused.

    ReplyDelete
  81. toastJune 7, 2009 at 7:55 PM

    what's it swigging, I wonder?

    ReplyDelete
  82. feathermarJune 7, 2009 at 9:49 PM

    Isn't he the mentor of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Who stole his freaking robe?

    ReplyDelete
  83. umamaJune 8, 2009 at 8:37 AM

    I love it!

    ReplyDelete
  84. Jennifer WorickJune 8, 2009 at 2:03 PM

    I think that was my date from last week. Actually, this fucker has one-up on the 8th dwarf of a date because he looks to have a sweet tail.

    ReplyDelete
  85. UnknownJune 8, 2009 at 7:13 PM

    I DONT KNOW, JUST DONT DRINK THAT SHEEET, LOOK WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  86. SGHJune 9, 2009 at 3:16 PM

    Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't believe they exist!

    ReplyDelete
  87. Nick MunroJune 10, 2009 at 11:51 AM

    He loves gatorade and a glassy eyed sugar rush. Check out a video of him in action:
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/gringoesloco/3380949650/in/set-72157615698755133/

    or here:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/gringoesloco/3380128013/in/set-72157615698755133/

    ReplyDelete
  88. Leigh-AnnJune 12, 2009 at 2:30 PM

    Guinea pigs don't have tails, you idiots.

    ReplyDelete
  89. FeistyJune 16, 2009 at 8:35 PM

    Sneaky bastards too...

    "Don’t expect him to reveal a lot about himself though! The Pacarana is a very secretive animal. No one was even aware of its existence until 1873."

    ReplyDelete
  90. get in hereJune 17, 2009 at 2:04 AM

    I've got one up my arse as I type.

    ReplyDelete
  91. UnknownJune 18, 2009 at 2:40 AM

    "(offer void where you live)"

    fucking hilarious :)

    ReplyDelete
  92. BosilawhatJune 22, 2009 at 5:05 PM

    I believe that's Jeff.

    ReplyDelete
  93. pdcoleJune 23, 2009 at 7:44 AM

    what if i post this where i work, and not where i live, will the offer to identify the thing still apply?

    ReplyDelete
  94. RenJune 23, 2009 at 9:41 AM

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcxKIJTb3Hg


    Warning...these scenes contain material of a graphic nature, don't look if you have a weak stomach or mind.

    ReplyDelete
  95. Tropical SelkieJune 24, 2009 at 6:59 PM

    what's up with the person sitting next to IT?! why doesn't s/he DO something about the situation; like, at least take the fucking cup away from IT!! jeeeeeze.

    ReplyDelete
  96. AnonymousJune 25, 2009 at 2:53 PM

    I have been to Peru. I have eaten guinea pig and that's not one of them. Oh, and you also don't really want their beer either.

    ReplyDelete
  97. Bosanova BillJune 25, 2009 at 8:16 PM

    Awww.

    ReplyDelete
  98. girl6July 2, 2009 at 11:16 PM

    This fucker makes me wish I'd voted Republican. You can totally tell he hates America:

    http://www.k9assistance.co.uk/uploaded_images/DSC02223-709619.JPG

    WTF?! Go be cute somewhere else!

    ReplyDelete
  99. sleepytimequiltsJuly 5, 2009 at 12:24 AM

    He hates America AND the troops. I can see it in his filthy, beedy eyes.

    Word Verification- 'restican'. As in, restican't until this image is gone from mine eyes

    ReplyDelete
  100. UnknownJuly 7, 2009 at 7:22 PM

    Cute? Oh sure it is. But what's most distressing is that it seems to have thumbs, Focker... Which means that the Tweeting can't be far beind the drinking. FROM A CUP.

    ReplyDelete
  101. iangooleJuly 22, 2009 at 1:09 PM

    Don't know what it is but I wouldn't wanna fuck with anything can chug a jug that size....

    ReplyDelete
  102. battatterJuly 31, 2009 at 12:23 AM

    it is a paca

    ReplyDelete
  103. JonnietsunamiJuly 31, 2009 at 8:37 PM

    Looks like one of Bin Laden's offspring

    ReplyDelete
  104. JonnietsunamiJuly 31, 2009 at 8:37 PM

    Looks like one of Bin Laden's chidren

    ReplyDelete
  105. SheriAugust 17, 2009 at 3:43 PM

    looks like a quoll I saw in the outback of australia

    ReplyDelete
  106. Obsidian KittenAugust 24, 2009 at 1:41 AM

    Beware the jabberwock, my friends.

    ReplyDelete
  107. Leslie DavisAugust 26, 2009 at 6:40 PM

    Didn't Paddington Bear come from darkest Peru?

    ReplyDelete
  108. irish_dryadAugust 29, 2009 at 12:34 AM

    Look, It's a Pacarana, Dinomys branickii. I'm a biologist and am completely right in this. I don't care what everyone else says. It's a Pacarana. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  109. by Caroline YezerSeptember 9, 2009 at 10:22 PM

    Its a Borugo, the world's largest rodent. Its a herbivore, and pretty passive/slow much like a 3 toed sloth. In peru they call it a jungle pig. You can see it in zoos there, but it is also eaten. It gets to the size of a small pig. It is cooked in stews, much like cuy (guineapig), but more in the high jungle (Amazon) than in the sierra itself. It goes by lots of other names though, depending on which indigenous language you are using...
    BORUGO- LAPA - GUAGUA or PACA

    http://travel.mongabay.com/colombia/images/co06-1292.html

    http://www.pluralismundus.com/index.html?target=p_92.html&lang=fr

    ReplyDelete

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