An inside look at the John Wayne Gacy of the new millennium

>>ANIMALS IN THE NEWS WEEK<<

We have all experienced the ups and downs of life, but every once in a while, something so shocking happens that it makes everyone stop and reevaluate what they had perceived as a decent and functional society. Today, we deconstruct one such instance, when faith, justice, and everything good in the world must be called into question.
Okay, this is pretty bad right off the bat. First of all, the perp is a fucking koala, which already makes him suspect. I don't always speciesally profile (which is a term, look it up (don't)), but koalas, I mean, come on. He's not coming inside to crap on your face (at least not literally).

Then you've got an arm in the picture, which puts this koala in perspective. THAT IS A BABY KOALA, PEOPLE, AND HE IS PUTTING HIS PAW IN THE WATER TO TEST IT OUT.

At this point, this koala already knows it's in the bag: he's going to get all the eucalyptus leaves he wants for the rest of his godforsaken life. HOW DARE HE USE THAT TONGUE IN FRONT OF A CHILD, SHE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.

I don't even know what to say here. Are you happy for yourself, Koala? Why isn't the last picture good enough? You were using your tongue. Is being famous in Australia not good enough for you? IT'S A GIANT FUCKING COUNTRY, KOALA. Were you planning on going abroad for your second year of school? You're a koala, you're not from anywhere else. But you have to be world fucking famous. You want it all, Koala, and apparently you don't care who gets hurt.


But see, this is what happens when you let cute animals do things like get wet, cool off like they are humans, and demonstrate how small they are and what their koala paws look like. Of course, this has caused a series of copycat crimes throughout Australia as koalas grow egos and become convinced that no one can stop them.

And do you know what the worst part of all of this was? It happened on MY BIRTHDAY. When even penguins had the decency to take the day off! Fuck you, Koala, you heartless criminal. I hope you can sleep at night, knowing how your newfound fame has wreaked havoc throughout the world.

Take the broccoli. Leave my dignity.

Why, Hamster, why? I am but one poor soul, trying to make my way in the world. I do what every decent citizen is supposed to do. I call my grandmother on her birthday. I recycle whenever there is a recycling bin on my side of the room. For a living, I run a modest blog, where every morning I get up and try to give a little back to the world.

So why do you have to be such a soul-crushing asshole? It's just broccoli, Hamster, I'm not really sure why you are all "Broccoli?! Wow, I never expected broccoli!" Everyone knows hamsters love broccoli. You are not fooling anyone. So my only guess as to why you are making that face is that you are actively trying to destroy me. Well fuck you, Hamster. Because I've got the broccoli now. Or something. Shut up.

Please just go.

Um, I can see you

Cow, what the hell do you think you are doing hiding behind that tree? You do realize you are a cow, right? It's not likely that you are going to be able to keep a low profile, seeing as cows are so large that they are a metaphor for fat people. I (almost) respect the effort, but I don't care that your horns kind of match the tree, that emo haircut of yours is not botanical.

And what kind of cow has horns anyway? You are supposed to be black and white, and I'm supposed to drive by you in my car on road trips and lean out the window and say "Moo." Get back to work being harmless and laying in the grass. STOP RUINING MY VACATIONS BY WANTING MORE OUT OF LIFE, COW.

Why do you hate poor children, Loris?

You sick fuck. It's funny to make fun of those kids on the charity television commercials? Is that what you're saying with your big droopy eyes and your sad little face? Because a bunch of people were going to send them 5 cents a day, but then you showed them how easy it is to fake and they're starting to question the kids' authenticity.

Does that make you happy, Slender Loris? I bet it does, you child-hating bastard. You know, humor is a delicate thing. You are not supposed to just fling it around, making innocent creatures who cannot defend themselves the butt of your jokes. PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN GENUS, LORIS.

Jesus Christ, some animals have no self-awareness.

Show-boating pangolins walk right into it

HOLY SHIT, PANGOLIN, LOOK OUT, THAT'S A SPIKY TREE AND YOU ARE GOING TO HURT YOURSELF!!!

Oh. Oh, no. I see what's going on here. Goddammit, Pangolin, you are in the middle of the jungle. There's no reason to be a fucking show off. You know, Pangolin, I was going to let you slide. Your entire body is covered in fingernails, so that can't possibly be pleasant. And while you do curl up into a ball, at least you aren't a fucking armadillo (don't think I'm not onto you, Armadillo). But you had to go and dance up your little danger pole, and you had to do it with a big fat smile on your non-reptilian face. So when you are up there in the tree and you can't figure out how to get down, don't bother asking for my help, Pangolin. Because you can go to hell.

Presenting the Signature Series

Is your Fuck You, Penguin shirt lonely? Or perhaps you hate penguins so much that you couldn't bear to wear them on your shirt... Fear not, for here are the first two shirts in the Fuck You, Penguin Signature Series. Each design has been hand-crafted with the same care, love, and thoughtfulness that goes into each post at Fuck You, Penguin only, unlike the posts, it actually was. In a hundred years, when the penguins have taken over the world and we are all slaves, these shirts will fuel the underground, and will therefore be serious collector's items (think books in Fahrenheit 451, only you won't have to write a book report about it).

In honor of the Pulizter Prize-winning Puffin exposé Puffin hoax revealed!, we have the dainty but firm "Puffin My Ass" shirt:

(Also available in blue, pink, and different styles here.)

And for those of you who like to sit and contemplate your clothing, I give you a shirt inspired by the Nobell Prize for Literature-winning haiku from The red-crowned crane is a straight con, the "Zen Crane" shirt:

I hope when you pass these shirts down to your great-grandchildren, they make them as happy as they undoubtedly make you right now. Unless your great-grandchildren turn out to be dicks, in which case I suggest you burn these on your death bed.

Don't listen to groundhogs

I know your secret, Groundhog. You've had a free ride for way too long. Newsbreak: Groundhogs do not know how to predict the weather. It was inevitable that people would start to catch on, since you have to switch it up every now and then to keep people guessing, but every year the spring continues to arrive at the same time. You've only been able to last this long because of the teeth, Groundhog, those damn teeth, taunting me with their prominence. But those teeth cannot save you for long, because if you don't put them away, I am definitely going to see my shadow. And then it's going to be a long, cold winter for you, Groundhog. And it's going to last you the rest of your life.