Friday, November 20, 2009

Don't even think about trying to sneak by me

I've tried to get around to as many species as possible on this blog, but it's really hard to keep up with all the smart-ass explorers that go into places like volcanos and obscure unexplored mountains and discover, like, seven thousand new species in a day. So to stem the tide, I've put together a post that covers a lot of the really dangerous new species that these Darwin-dick riders have shoved in our faces, just to get them out of the way and move onto the serious problem areas.

Hey buddy, nice head. What, were all the proportional heads taken? I did a little math, and even if I lost one leg, I'd still have 100% more legs than you. So suck on that.

The olive sunbird, huh? Fuck you.

Hey, loser: YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING CRATER. Get a job, free loader.

You think just because you're iridescent, you can get away with being a beetle. You know what else is iridescent? THIS FUCKING SHARK.

Yes, I realize it's a catfish. What the fuck do you know about fish, you're just a stupid beetle. Shut up, asshole.

What's so fucking surprising, shithead? Like you weren't just sitting around waiting to be discovered by humans. DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT CIVILIZATION. I bet your stupid reality show is only going to last until mid-season, anyway, so don't make any big purchases.

Yeah. Do you even need me to say anything? I didn't think so.

I bet you think you fucking invented that pose. Well guess what, fucktard: BIRDS HAVE BEEN USING THAT POSE FOR YEARS. You don't look contemplative, you just look like a Mexican flag with wings. And by the way, "Fruit Dove"? Gayest. Name. Ever.

You know I hate combo animals, Leopard Gecko. Get a more original name, like maybe Uneven Tail Gecko. Did your tail swallow a candy corn? I don't give a shit about your freaky eyes, you're still all elbows and suckage.

Wait a second, this frog and has fangs? And it fucking EATS BIRDS?! Um, we're cool. I think I'm done here. Yeah.

Friday, November 13, 2009

I think you may have sat on your own face, clown monkey

Mandrill, I'd like to introduce you to a concept called restraint. Here's how it works: I don't make fun of the fact that you think chewing on a twig is cool, and you refrain from looking like your mom had sex with a box of Fruit Loops and made you. Honestly, of all the ridiculously insane monkeys out there, you have to be the craziest one of all. You're a primate, Mandrill, not a fucking Care Bear.

And as if it wasn't enough that you have a Van Gogh painting on your ass, you just had to get like an all-time amazing shampoo/blow out at the local salon. HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE IN THE WILD. It's so silky and planned, you are way too entirely ready for a night on the town in your rockin' unbuttoned shirt and puka shell necklace. Please stop your misguided search for a mate, wipe that shit off your face, and start eating a banana or something so other monkeys won't talk about you behind your back so much.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Dissatisfied ferrets resort to Jewish guilt

Ferrets have made no secret out of the fact that they are not happy about being so low down the list of favorite pets, hovering way below the classic favorites like dogs and cats and somewhere between a potbellied pig and a chia pet. Instead of taking this like a man, they unsurprisingly take it like a ferret, which means tons of fucking passive aggressive comments about how all the ferret wants is for you to be happy and if it doesn't make you happy, well, then maybe it just shouldn't be around any more.

This particular manipulative bastard has taken it to a whole other level. If a Ferret ever gives you shit like this, just say, "No, Ferret, I am not going to cook you to put you out of your misery. JUST BECAUSE I DON'T CALL EVERY WEEK DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T LOVE YOU ANY MORE. And stop looking at me like that, I will not be taken in by your firm but loving stare." Then slowly back away from the Ferret and when both of you are calmer you can make plans to firmly define your boundaries.

Friday, October 30, 2009

I doubt Nathan Lane feels threatened

This nudibranch apparently thinks it's the cutest thing on the block just because it's the neon equivalent of a drama kid. Prancing around the ocean like you have a spine doesn't mean you should pose jazz-hands style like you're in a college production of Fame, asshole.

Talk about cheesy. Was this the nudibranch's headshot for auditions? I've got news for you, Nudibranch, no one is looking for an overenthusiastic mollusk to take Broadway by storm. I hope you're good at pouring coffee, because I see a bright future for you in table-waiting.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Is there anything more defeating than cute bats?

Baby Bat, you are destroying my ability to successfully categorize safe animals and animals that want me to drop whatever I am doing and make sure they are comfortable and happy. You are supposed to be trying to suck my blood or finding your way out of a cave using radio waves or Google maps or whatever. Instead you are like a big-eyed baby deer crossed with a webbed monkey sucking on a pacifier. You're really little, too, aren't you? There's nothing in this picture that I can compare you to, but I get the sense you're something disgusting like a pound and a half. I bet you would fit in my hand and then look up at me and I wouldn't even be able to check to make sure you aren't going to turn into a vampire. Fucking bats. At least they aren't thriving, I mean, who would raise bats in large groups?

Oh shit.
Why do I even bother?

Friday, October 23, 2009

Confiscated for evidence

This blog is now the property of the Antarctic Police Department. Once everything is bagged and tagged in a few days it will be released back into the internet wild.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Penguin Donates Millions to Charity!

I thought everyone else would be as interested in this story as I was. Who knew penguins were so selfless?

Penguinville, ANTARCTICA - Moments after emerging from his father's fat fold, a baby emperor penguin donated his entire inheritance to human-focused charities. While the money went to a number of different non-profit organizations, the bulk of the money was donated to PETAP (Penguins for the Ethical Treatment of Actual People). "This is a great day for human/penguin relations," said a real person, who was using their fingers to do something complex as they spoke, "we've always known penguins were totally great and didn't at all deserve the negative press they've been getting recently. But it's nice to have it confirmed."

When reached for comment, the baby penguin had only nice things to say about humans. "I think people understand that we can only do so much to avoid being cute in certain circumstances. This is simply just the way we were born. The fact that so many people are thoughtful about our circumstances and try their best to look the other way means a lot to me, and I know it means a lot to my fellow penguins. This is just my way of saying thank you."

This is really a different way of thinking about penguins isn't it? That charity is great, because it is specifically targeted to actual humans like you and me! Now I am going to go put some pants on (one leg at a timing, right guys?!) and put more thought into all this new light that's been shed on the penguin.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Leopard seals think it's cute to senselessly murder

This leopard seal thinks it is so cute that he can lift one flipper up and lean to the side like it's just about to roll its fat ass over. Well, ha. Fucking. Ha. It's so funny to tear penguins apart limb from limb. WHAT DID PENGUINS EVER DO TO YOU, LEOPARD SEAL? Except love you, Leopard Seal. I knew a penguin once (that was definitely not me because I am, as everyone who reads this blog knows, definitely human) that would sit back and say, "you know, a lot of penguins hate the leopard seal. But not me. Because I forgive the leopard seal. I want to understand the leopard seal's desperation, and why it gets to this point in life where it seems like the only option is to eat a penguin."

These are the kinds of complex shades of morality that a simple leopard seal simply cannot understand. So fuck you, Leopard Seal. Next time I see a penguin I am going to give it a big hug, and I recommend everyone reading this blog do the same.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


People, a penguin has kidnapped me. I was on a hot air balloon trip and I crashed in Antarctica and he captured me and forced me to give him my password. DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING HE SAYS! Please, call the police and tell them to immediately fly down to the south pole and look for a white door cut out of the ground. It's made out of ice, you can't miss it. I'm right in there!!! Hurry... Oh, God, he's coming!

UPDATE: Haha, wasn't this a funny idea for a post? As if penguins would even kidnap anyone, they don't even have guns because they are a peace-loving species! Why, the only way I could think of to kidnap a human would be to hack into the directional apparatus on their craft so they were forced down in your general vicinity, peck at their calf muscles so they could not run away, then drag them into a secret lair which had been created for just such an occasion where the "penguin" would then be able to keep the human at bay using a highly complex system of ropes and pulleys. Now how realistic does that sound? Not very likely, I hope.

Anyway, back to the blog!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Penguins: not so bad??!!

^^They seem nice enough...^^

I learned some things on my vacation that made me think penguins are not everything I've made them out to be in my other posts that I personally wrote and that were definitely not written by someone else that I am now pretending to be. I also ate a lot of different kinds of food on my vacation that humans like me really love, like cow, peanut jelly, and seal. In fact, I found seal to be extremely delicious. People should really eat seal more often. Anyway, did you know these things:
  1. Penguins actually can fly, but they choose not to do so because they don't want humans to think that penguins believe they are better than everyone.
  2. Penguins have the highest percentage of church attendance in the animal kingdom. Unless you don't like that sort of thing, in which case they are agnostic leaning towards secular humanism.
  3. Penguins love NASCAR because it puts them in touch with their working class roots.
  4. There has never been an incidence of any penguin using the term "Bros before hos."
  5. While there are a small percentage of penguins that hog the spotlight, the vast majority are private birds who just want to live their lives and avoid hurting humans.
I mean, this was a real revelation for me, considering that I am a person and I previously did not really care for penguins. I am going to have to really think this over while I drive my car and wear clothes, you know, like a normal guy.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Fucking penguins, right fellow humans?

Hey, everyone! I'm back from vacation where I was doing all the thing that humans like to do! I went to the aquarium, ate lots of chicken, and totally walked one foot in front of the other. It was the best! But I'm back now, and it's time to start back in on those damn penguins. Look at this guy, right? I mean, what a little fucking show-off. HEY PENGUIN, NOT EVERYONE CAN BE SO AWESOME, KIND, AND THOUGHTFUL. Jeez, what is it about penguins that makes them think they can get away with being so personable when they aren't even people? I met this one penguin on my vacation, and he had the nerve to show me around his colony, cook up a nice meal of krill for me, and even show me a bootleg copy of the outtakes from March of the Penguins they had to keep out of the movie to avoid a NC-17 rating. It was probably the most fun I've ever had, and I never wanted to leave.

Penguins, I'll tell you. Thank God I'm not a penguin. That would be totally not true. Thank God we're all not penguins, right people?

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Friday, September 18, 2009

I'm not sorry, Australia

Jesus Christ, Australia. What. The. Fuck. I know I've made fun of you for your koala rampages, your lax marsupial drug policies, and your animal-related holidays, but now it's pretty clear you were asking for it all along. You see, this is a brushtailed possum, caught in the act of eating a cookie in the backyard of an Australian residence. This possum sucks, obviously, and believe me there's no way I'm letting him get away with that pink nose and his little possum fingers. But, ummmm, Australia? WHY ARE YOU PUTTING COOKIES IN YOUR BACKYARDS? This is a classic case of Stockholm Syndrome, where Australians are the victims held captive by their kidnappers (mostly kangaroos desperate for another dime bag) and now they have fallen in love with the very animals that mean them harm.

But Possum, really? I don't care if they left out cookies for you. You take them home and eat them on your couch while you watch TV or something. You don't just stand there in the dark eating cookies, Possum. Not only is that fucking weird and a small step above wearing sweat pants to work, it's basically asking for someone to come along and take a picture of you looking surprised, which is exactly how this ended up. So go ahead, eat your cookies. But leave me out of it, Possum, I don't need to see any of what's going on here.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Let's fucking do this

You want a piece of me, Hyrax? I will fucking destroy you. Oh, your closest living relative is the elephant? An animal that is afraid of a mouse? Well guess what, pussy, I share a bunch of DNA with the chimpanzee. They don't even get mad, they store that shit in their heads and make a plan, Hyrax. And then they fucking play for keeps. Just like me, Hyrax. Just like me.

So you think I'm afraid of your vampire teeth and poorly developed internal temperature regulation? No fucking way, Hyrax. So get a couple of your buddies, a makeshift knife, and some pillowcases and meet me in fifteen minutes. Because it's fucking on, Hyrax. Oghadisthatababyonyou? And another one? How come they look so creepy and yet so disgustingly cute? WHAT DO THEY KNOW THAT I DON'T KNOW. Oh, no. THEY ARE MULTIPLYING.

You win this round, Hyrax. You can have my apple. Just don't let them bring western civilization to its knees.

Friday, September 11, 2009

I guess any asshole gets a holiday now

Great, I didn't even know the bilby existed and already it has a fucking national day in Australia. Way to go Australia, I guess it wasn't enough to make up half of your fauna while you were high (wtf the koala?), you had to follow it up by highlighting all of your biggest mistakes.

The worst part is this fucking tool is basically just a rat drawn by a New York sidewalk cartoonist. Having a pouch doesn't all of the sudden make everyone ignore the fact that you are standing like a bunny, peeking out of a tree like a squirrel, and puckering like a Grade A sleazebag, Bilby. AND WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT THE HEAD TILT. You know, Bilby, I'm only going to make ONE batch of sugar cookies in the shape of you in honor of your shitty day. That's not even going to be enough sugar cookies for everyone at the party that I'm throwing in your honor. So suck on that.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Sea lions use flippers as an excuse

Not having normal arms and legs is no reason to avoid taking care of yourself, Sea Lion. The water is literally right there, would it have killed you to say to the photographer, "You know what? Hold on one second, I'm just going to wash off this sand that is covering my entire body." I'll tell you one thing, there's no way my dad would have let you in his car in 1989.

If you had just taken the time to make yourself halfway presentable, I wouldn't have such a serious problem with you. But instead, I want to hand wash all of the sand off of you and wrap you in a towel until you warm up. That is not fucking okay, Sea Lion. I have a reputation to uphold. So get your ass together, trim those fucking whiskers, and stop pretending like you're the king of the ocean just because you happen to be named after a lion. IT'S JUST A NAME, SEA LION, YOU HAVE TO LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE. You don't get to avoid pulling yourself up with your own bootstraps just because you wouldn't be able to wear boots.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Stay away from my family, Gerenuk

What is it about weird antelopes? Gerenuk, you are so adorable, yet so terrifying, like a Disney character that ends up torturing Bambi's mother while Bambi watches. You have a normal torso, but other than that I am creeped out by literally everything else about you.

It's the head that really gets me, though. You could have weirdly long legs, a bushy mohawk tail, a weirdly thin, long neck, and ears with pitchfork marks inside of them, and if you had a normal-sized head, I would be like, "Touché." But your head basically makes me want to write my congressman about starting a government agency to monitor your movements and make sure you haven't started any international money laundering networks to pay for your secret takeover of my brain. So just keep eating from that tree, hold your hooves where I can see them, and don't appear in any movies where you can talk in a funny voice, Gerenuk. I wouldn't want to have to do anything we'd both regret.

Monday, August 31, 2009

I can't tell if you're doing that ironically

What's with the stupid pose, Cat? I'm sure you think you are just headed for the Sears catalog now... or you are making fun of people who are headed for the Sears catalog. I'm going to be honest with you, Cat, you look like a total loser, so I really hope this isn't your laid-back-but-sophisticated look.

On the other hand, if you're really trying to make an ironic statement about funny photo portraits in a turn-of-the-century trucker-hat kind of way, then a. I hate you and b. you really should have gone all the way. So either way, fuck you, Cat. The hours of Photoshop I will get out of you cannot heal the part of my soul you have destroyed. But I will try, Cat. I. will. try.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Hey, have you guys seen this picture?

I've generally let teh internet off with a warning when it comes to distributing cute animal pictures. But I want you to know I am VERY disappointed in all of you, people. What could possibly be worth sacrificing your independence and ruining your friend's day? Did this squirrel tell you to forward this to seven people or your vagina would fall off? VAGINAS CAN'T FALL OFF, PEOPLE. And can someone explain to me HOW THE FUCK THIS IS NEWS?

Fucking squirrels, people. Do you realize how many vacation photos I have ruined by jumping in front of the camera of complete strangers? Do you know how many of those photos have become internet sensations? The answers, respectively, are a lot and fucking zero. But this fucking jerk-off, THE PARIS HILTON OF THE SQUIRREL COMMUNITY, pops up in one picture with his top off and all of the sudden he gets to go to the moon and meet Abraham Lincoln. Well, fuck you, squirrel, looking mystified by simple technology that's been around for a fucking century does not impress me, even if you've conned the rest of the world.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Lucky? More like crafty.

Look at this son of a bitch. Look in his eyes. He knows exactly what he's doing. Oh, I've read the article about Lucky the Duck. I know he claims to have had an "accident" that led to him suddenly becoming famous overnight. I might even have believed him. UNTIL I SAW THIS:

Another leg problem? This time on a turtle? CONVENIENTLY ALSO NAMED LUCKY?!? This is my favorite part:
A key question is why Lucky — whose species is named for its ability to enclose itself entirely within its shell — was vulnerable to the attack in the first place.
Um, I don't know, maybe BECAUSE THE TURTLE MADE A DEAL?? This is clearly some kind of mass conspiracy organized around animals named Lucky convincing area handymen to throw something together for them in order to get into the local paper and be emailed to me. Well your luck just ran the FUCK out, you inappropriately legged, sneaky-eyed bastards. Stop trying to make me feel sorry for you, the jig's up. I heard the Associated Press just lost your fucking number.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

One small step for me. One giant leap for you.

^^Penguins are sad. You are happy.^^

It's here. Rejoice.

Twenty years ago, in the early years of this blog, I commemorated the release of my book in a 17,000 word essay. I think it is even more relevant now than it was twenty years ago.

Click here to read this insightful piece.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Beavers think they're so fucking clever

If there's one thing I hate, it's animals that try to live their lives like high-concept performance pieces. I bet this beaver literally shit his pants when he saw this sign (which is most likely why he is not wearing pants). "Oh man," he probably thought to himself, tapping his fingers together, "it says no feeding. But the sign's post is made out of wood. This is going to be better than the time I made a dam out of copies of Salmon Rushdie's The Satanic Verses."

Well guess what, fucker? TIME MAGAZINE SAID IRONY DIED LIKE EIGHT YEARS AGO. So you are completely behind the times, and your little stunt looks more like a fucking joke now. Time to go back to the drawing board, Beaver. Next time, there better be a sharper exploration of the existential plight of rodents, or I'm not coming back.

--Do you think this is a real beaver, or did the beaver replace himself with a replica to signify the out-of-body experiences we all live with on a daily basis? Join the controversial debate in the comment section!--

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Ten Best Things About FU, Penguin: The Book

**Shameless Self-Promotion Week**

I've been getting a lot of emails this week from people asking me things like, "Do you have any plans for a book?" and "When are you going to make a book?!" Well, the answers are "Yes" and "Right now!" As a handy guide for readers of the blog who aren't yet aware of this HUGE development (biggest news story of the summer, much?) I have put together this list of the ten best things about Fuck You, Penguin's foray into the printed word.

1. ALL YOUR FAVORITE POSTS: The greatest hits with full color photos so you can take them anywhere and spread the gospel.

2. BRAND NEW MATERIAL: A third of the posts are totally exclusive to the book. This means you can say to your friends, "Hey, did you see that Lemur post," and they will be like "Yeah," and then you'll be like "No, not that one, the one from the book," and then they will go and buy the book, too! (Better for me than you.)

3. LITTLE TO NO CHANCE OF THE BOOK CARRYING SWINE FLU: We've listened to the feedback from fans, and eliminated the Swine Flu element of the book. This book is now 99-100% Swine Flu free - guaranteed!

4. FACTS ABOUT ANIMALS: Each post has ball-shattering revelations about the animals you can't get anywhere else. For example, did you know that penguins never use their turn-signals? This is the shit you need to know in order to survive in today's fast-paced economy.

5. THE BEST GIFT SINCE LIFE: Giving this book as a gift to your friend, family member, co-worker, pet, fellow commuter, teacher, student, or Oprah is like giving birth to that person. They will be so grateful that they may come to look at you as some kind of god that has ushered in a new era of enlightenment. This is when you have the unique opportunity to take advantage of their goodwill. You're welcome.

6. HITLER WOULD FUCKING HATE THIS BOOK: I sent this book to a number of scholars who have spent their lives studying Hitler and the Third Reich, and they assured me that Hitler would have found this book to be a threat to Aryan superiority. What's that? You didn't pre-order a copy of the book yet? YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING NAZI, ARE YOU?!

7. EXCLUSIVE INTRODUCTIONS GALORE: I introduce so much shit in this book it isn't even funny. IN FACT, IT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS. Ever wanted to know how I created this site? BUY THE FUCKING BOOK.

8. THRILLING SECTIONS: An entire ALL-NEW penguin section! Domestic Animals! UGLY ANIMALS! FUCK YOU, PENGUIN THE EARLY YEARS!!!!11!!!1

9. I WROTE THIS BOOK: That means the more copies get sold, the more money I make. Don't you want to make me happy? All I want is to make you happy. Why can't you just let me make you happy?


Remember: it is always a good idea to lose your first copy of any book so you have to buy another copy in order to read it. Now go forth!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

A very special Thursday note

Good Thursday, people. I'm sure you are all wondering why you are hearing from Fuck You, Penguin today, so let me explain and calm your beating heart. I've been getting some pushback on shameless self-promotion week, with a number of people wondering just how necessary it is since I've basically cornered the market on books about cursing at animals at this point and I'm in perfect position to eventually become the required summer reading in between tenth and eleventh grade at high schools nationwide. So I just wanted to address the concerns. First of all, while some people have expressed mild skepticism, I have also gotten an enormous positive response that has gone largely untold in the cute-focused media. Here is just one randomly selected email out of the literally HUNDREDS I send myself EVERY DAY praising the shameless self-promotion week:

Dear FU, Penguin,

Holy shit! We're loving the shameless self-promotion week over here! If you keep selling this book so well, we are all going to be filthy rich! WE WILL LITERALLY HAVE TO SHIELD OURSELVES FROM ALL THE LOSERS WHO DO NOT HAVE MONEY!!!!!


Your Corporate Overlords

See? By all accounts, this has been a crushing success. Second, and most important, I hope you all realize that shameless self-promotion week is for you people! It has always been about you people. You see, I just named it shameless self-promotion week in order to avoid patting myself on the back for doing such a selfless thing for you. You are all very welcome, and don't worry about it if you didn't see at first how nice I was being. I didn't see it at first either.

This very special Thursday edition of Fuck You, Penguin has been brought to you without commercial interruptions by FU, Penguin. "FU, Penguin: You've Only Bought One Copy?"

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Are you reading FU Penguin?


Hey Puppy, what are you reading? Is it that awesome new book, FU Penguin, that world famous dog Advice Dog called, "The best book ever written in the modern English language?" I bet you're not even reading it, you're probably reading Mastering the Art of French Cooking like a fucking loser. Oh, the book's been around for fifty years, but you're only just picking it up now that a fucking movie is out? WAY TO JUMP ON THE BANDWAGON, ASSHOLE. You realize you are playing right into the film marketer's hands, right? THOSE SOULLESS VAMPIRES WILL SUCK THE JOY OUT OF ANYTHING.

Well, I hear the author of FU, Penguin is a street-level-hero kind of guy, and he has already turned down twenty seven different offers to turn his book into a movie, three offers to be part of Oprah's dumb book club, and eight contracts from Nike to be their spokesperson as soon as they figure out how to fire that loser Tiger Woods. (Golf? That's funny, I don't remember wanting to buy shoes from my Grandpa.) Why don't you go pre-order it at one of these fine retailers:

You can thank me later, Puppy. Now get out of bed and go make me a nice Vichysoisse.

Monday, August 17, 2009

FU Penguins are always FU Penguining


Hey Cat, has anyone ever told you that you remind them of the book FU, Penguin that is going to be released on August 25th, 2009, but that you can pre-order from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Borders, or Indie Bound right now? In fact, I was reading my advance copy the other day, and I was laughing and laughing. Have you heard that world famous cat Keyboard Cat said FU, Penguin was, "The greatest book of the new millenium?"

Do you like to laugh, Cat? I bet you don't even remember what it is like. I bet if you bought the book FU, Penguin, you would laugh so hard that you would have to go out and buy another copy of the book FU, Penguin, available wherever fine books are sold. I BET YOU WOULD LOVE FU, PENGUIN AND CHERISH IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE. Here, Cat, I will even provide you with the links to various sites that are selling FU, Penguin:

Are you happy now, Cat? I mean, Jesus FU, Penguin Christ.

Friday, August 14, 2009

You'll take Manhattan when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands

This dog's name is Snapdragon, which not coincidentally is the PERFECT FUCKING NAME for this Muppet-looking motherfucker. I was sent in this picture by a person pretending to be the owner, but honestly is there any possible way this is a real dog? And if it is a real dog, it should be taken away because it is clearly fucking out of its mind high. THERE IS NO WAY I'M COMING TO SIT ON THAT COUCH WITH YOU, DOG. I don't care how many episodes of Planet Earth you have cued up.

**This Fuck You, Penguin post has been brought to you by the letter "L"**

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Slow-burn cuteness: the silent killer

The aye-aye was one of the first animals I was tipped off to by readers and, believe me, I had the same reaction you are having right now: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT AND WHY WON'T IT LET GO OF MY EYES? Months later, after looking at hundreds of pictures of aye-ayes (including this one and this one), receiving countless more emails from concerned citizens, and briefly opening and managing my own aye-aye singles bar to help increase their dwindling population, I've decided to add the aye-aye to my list of animals that are fucking bullshit.

How can one animal be so creepy, and yet so hairlessly wonderful? THIS IS DEAL-WITH-THE-DEVIL-TYPE SHIT. He's got the fingers of the Grim Reaper, the eyes of a snake, and the ears of a Pepperidge Farm cookie wrapper and yet I want to spend an afternoon showing him how to use iTunes. Fuck you, Aye-Aye, for taking your time to crawl into my heart and do some remodeling. I'll have the last laugh when you're old and ug... oh, fuck.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Never work with an alpaca

How come every time alpacas feel like the energy is low at work they have to do the worm from Labyrinth? Listen, Alapaca, obscure references to 80s cult movies are no excuse for your fuzzy hair, your bushy tail, your fucking face. And why are you always smiling? Are you purposefully trying to make me love you?

Well you and your whole species have tried to avoid the truth for a long time. You have poor dental hygiene, you look goofy when you get your hair cut, and your small talk is possibly the worst I have ever heard. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR COMMUTE, ALPACA. You are a poor man's llama. So stop pretending you don't have legs and get back to work.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

A terrorist is born

It is a sad day for America, people. Yesterday, at approximately 6:66 in the morning (coincidence?), a baby panda was born at the San Diego Zoo. You can see the video here, but be warned IT IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. For those of you who cannot bear to click through, I have gotten John Hurt and Ridley Scott together to recreate the birth in this much less terrifying photo.

At this point, the baby panda has no fur, chirps like a velociraptor, and is the size of a stick of butter. But remember people: Osama Bin Laden was once the size of a stick of butter (when I molded a stick of butter into the shape of Osama Bin Laden). Pretty soon they turn into this. And then this. AND THEN THIS. And then this. Before finally, they start spreading out all over the world.

That's how this is all going to play out. So mark my words. Now is the time to rise up against this threat. Meg Sutherland-Smith, if you have any human left in you and you aren't entirely in the pocket of Big Panda, please, I beg you, make sure you raise this panda right, to respect our common decency and keep it humble. Show it this website. Buy it my book.

Actually, it might be better if you just sent it to me to raise. I can introduce it to my gorilla. Wait, never mind. Probably a bad idea.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

When animals collude

Donkeys aren't that cute and, let's face it, zebras are even less cute. When you Google image search "cute zebra," 11 of the first 12 images that come up are cartoons. The 13th is a baby in a zebra costume (no way that baby was gonna fool me, men can't carry real zebras). Obviously, zebras had to do something.

Enter the zonkey. One part zebra, one part donkey, a million parts out of control. Striped black and white legs and a brown body? This is a fucking disaster. What happened to properly mixing your heritage, Zonkey? You aren't supposed to look like napoleonneapolitan ice cream, here, YOU ARE A FUCKING ANIMAL.

Zebras and donkeys ought to learn that two moderately cute wrongs do not make an extremely cute right, but most importantly, let's all hope this doesn't spread. If I see a rhinopotamus any time soon THAT'S ON YOU, ZONKEY.

Monday, August 3, 2009

For fuck's sake, adopt this dog

British people (I know you're there) I need a favor. ADOPT THIS DOG RIGHT FUCKING NOW. This article depicts a cunning dog that is using sympathy to infiltrate my mind and make me sad. SAD, PEOPLE. I don't have time to be sad: I HAVE A BOOK COMING OUT.

The dog's name is E.T., which makes the whole thing worse because in the movie E.T. was just trying to get home and now this dog wants a home and if you people don't take this fucking dog out of that cage and bring it home and give it a biscuit I'm going to be VERY UPSET. Look at him. He's regal, people! Once he is adopted, he'll be just another dog. His power will be neutralized!

British people, we have done so much for you. Now is your time! Trust me, it was a huge hassle to cart all the money you were making off of the colonies back across the Atlantic. We did you a favor! I promise if one of you takes this dog, we can call it even. I don't even care what misguidedly cute things you do with it. You can dress it up in a medieval costume and paint portraits of it for all I care. Just, please, get it out of my sight.

Friday, July 31, 2009

An overview of how lives are destroyed

A brief outline of a Fuck You, Penguin post on this photo.

I. The animals.

A. A fawn that was briefly separated from its mother.

B. A pit bull from a shelter.

II. The situation.

A. The fawn wanted to nurse from the pit bull.

1. It is a MALE pit bull.

a. Awkwardly funny, but also adorable.

III. The clincher.

A. Here is a male pit bull from a shelter kissing an abandoned fawn.

1. Link to photo (NSFW).

a. Last straw??

IV. Epilogue.

A. The fawn was later returned to its mother.

V. Conclusion.

A. Kill me right fucking now.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I can't believe this is a rabbit

This is an angora rabbit. Do you believe it? When I first saw this I thought, "Hold on, there, Internet. There's no way that's a rabbit. It's so furry and round." But it's totally a rabbit. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS RABBIT?! You are sooooo crazy, Rabbit! Holy shit. Do you even know how much you look just like this cotton ball?

I literally had to look twice before I could tell them apart, but I know the difference is in the eyes. NICE TRY, RABBIT.

UPDATE: There's been a lot of confusion in the comment section as to which of these photos is the cotton ball and which one is the rabbit. Believe me, I know how difficult this can be. The key is to look at the eyes in the first picture, as you can see here. See? Definitely a rabbit.

Monday, July 27, 2009

I'm dreaming of a white jackass

Here I am sweating away in the heart of summer and this little jerk decides to prance around in his Winter Wonderland for the day. Look at him, standing on his hind fucking legs picking berries for the '10 poster. THE AIR CONDITIONING IN MY CAR IS NOT WORKING RIGHT NOW, ASSHOLE. Way to be a heartless weasel.

And what of your supposed purity, Ermine? I know you act like you would show me a world of peace and joy where candy canes dance among the lollipop trees. But what happens when I join you among the berries and the snow? Your belly would keep me warm, Ermine, but your empty promises would leave me cold. And soon the weather would warm, the snow would melt, and you would go back to being just another loser in a brown coat. So chew on that next time you think you're Rudolph the fucking reindeer.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Great Danes always fuck up teh cute

Oh my God, Great Dane, what is wrong with you? THIS IS THE WORST ATTEMPT AT TRYING TO WIN MY HEART SINCE THE NOTEBOOK. You are supposed to sit next to something bigger than you that we all recognize, thereby making yourself look impossibly tiny. Why do great danes always do the exact opposite? Dude, you are dominating that kiddie pool. It's basically at the point where I'm starting to find the elephant on the kiddie pool really cute because it looks so small compared to you.

This is just embarrassing. Anyway, is that your tongue, or a sliver of the regulation-sized kickball you are currently engulfing in that Statue of Liberty-sized head of yours? STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This is just a giant pile of wrong

Cuddle parties have finally made their way into the Degu community. This is making me super pissed-off because it's a bunch of fucking degus laying on each other in a mess of ears, whiskers, and tiny noses. But the parties are also leading to a greater level of inappropriate degu behavior. We all know that cuddle parties start out as innocent ways to have fun, but quickly degenerate into this.

Degus are particularly susceptible to this because they already have low self-esteem since guinea pigs and chinchillas get so much more attention. If you have a degu, DO NOT LET THEM GO TO A CUDDLE PARTY. I don't care if they say it helps them "keep warm," just tell them you go to work every day to put a roof over their heads so they aren't out in the cold, which is exactly where they'll be if they don't listen to you. Trust me, it's for their own good. They will thank you when they are older.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Ocelots should be more careful with technology

Dear Ocelot,

I'm really glad you like the blog, but I am actually a human, and therefore I am not attracted to cats. Furthermore, I find your casual distribution of seductive pictures on the internet to be HIGHLY inadvisable, and would recommend that you are more careful with photos of yourself in compromising positions. In order to teach you a lesson, I've posted this photo on the blog so you can see that once something is online, it's forever.


PS I don't know if it is you who has been calling my house at odd hours of the night and purring into the phone, but if it is, please stop.

On Sun, Jul 19, 2009 at 1:45 AM, Ocelot [ocelot4you@*********] wrote:
Hey baby,

I love the blog. I thought maybe we could get together some time. Do you happen to live in Costa Rica? E-mail me and maybe we can get together and see what happens? I've attached a pic I hope u like.


Friday, July 17, 2009

Are you shitting on my book?

Owls think everything about owl civilization is better than everything about human civilization. That is why this pretentious prick (whose goddamn name is Sanders) is pretending to sun himself on this table, but is in fact VIOLATING THE SYMBOL OF ALL THAT IS KNOWLEDGE AND MEANING.

What's worse is that he is teaching the next generation of owls to shit on us too. (Don't even get me started on that blog. A whole blog dedicated to raising an owl? THIS OWL?!? Why don't you just invent a time machine so you can actually stab Plato in the back?) There's no way I'm buying the whole sun thing, either. I know what you're doing, Owl. Stop disrespecting humanity, put your wings away, and make your kids look less weird so I don't want to teach them the secrets of humanity.