Friday, December 26, 2008

See you in 2009, Penguin

You have one week to get lost. Then I'm coming for you.

This message will self-destruct in seven days.

NOTE TO PENGUINS: This is not an effective hiding method.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Reindeer act like they don't know

Save it for the tourists, Reindeer, because there is no way I'm buying that "surprised" act. Talking like, "oh, it's Christmas already? I didn't even have my good horns on!" when we all know you're back there marking your calendar, counting down the days. You can't hide how you really feel about Christmas forever, Reindeer. My guess? You actually were surprised one year, but then you saw the picture and felt like it really made you look thinner, so now you do it every fucking year, like the weird girl in high school that everyone knew was getting plastic surgery the minute she turned 18.

So don't think it's going to work on me. I know you wanted to come over my house last night and give me that iPod. Merry fucking Christmas, Reindeer.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Tipline gets results!


Just one week after the Fuck You, Penguin tipline went live, we have our first major arrests. These assholes were running all over town standing on their hind legs like they were homo fucking sapiens. But thanks to our ever vigilant readers, these pandas will not terrorize innocent civilians any more.

Unfortunately, moments after this photo was taken, these conscienceless, unrepentant bastards decided to hold hands. There were no survivors.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I know you can hear me, Fox

Fox, let's be real with each other. I know you are pretending to sleep right now, because you can hear beetles walking on sand. So either you can turn those things off, or you are just playing around here. DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY, FOX? DO YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME? You better not wake up right when I finish this post, Fox. I will not be happy.


Monday, December 22, 2008

Petting zoo goats are like stuck-up celebrities with horns

Petting zoos are a hotbed of animal hubris. With children constantly saying how cute they are, it's important to let the goats know that not everybody is on their dicks 24/7. This dandy here hasn't gotten nearly enough humble pie, because he apparently thinks he's next in line on the runway in fucking Milan. Ummm, not every goat just gets to lie around all day waiting for little 6 year olds to come and rub them behind the ears. Some goats actually have to work hard all day to find 6 year olds to rub them behind the ears.

What I'm trying to say, Goat, is that you can't have this carrot. I know I promised it to you earlier in a moment of weakness, but I also know goats can't use tape recorders, and there are limited legal avenues that you can pursue. TIME TO FEND FOR YOURSELF, GOAT. Hey- no- stop doing that! Ah... dammit.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Puffin hoax revealed!

There's nothing more obnoxious than a fake animal that tries to pass itself off as an authentic member of the animal world. Puffins are maybe the biggest offenders when it comes to this, even going so far as to pretend to take pictures with humans and hang out in places like Iceland where no normal person can confirm that they were really there. (Like Iceland is a real place, anyway. "Björk" is from there!) Take a look at this clearly computer generated motherfucker above. Of course, he tries to blend into the scenery by standing by a rock in some grass, but do you see it? The only shadow is from the rock. IF YOU'RE SO REAL, PUFFIN, WHERE'S YOUR FUCKING SHADOW. Busted, Puffin. Now go back to living inside a fucking 8-year-old girl's head.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Spoiled wombats are never satisfied

You know, Wombat, all I do is love you. But is that good enough for you? No, you have to look at wombats in magazines and ask, "Why can't I look like that?" Well, I'm not here to boost your ego, I'm here to have a life with you. SO STOP FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS, WOMBAT. I'm tired of you pretending like you're not standing there with your cute little fat nose and pudgy legs. And what would I want with a fucking attention whore like that anyway? Sure, I was looking, anyone would look. But seriously, Wombat, you're making a scene. You know what? Don't call me any more.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Thanks for "gracing" us with your presence

I get it, Whale, you're busy. I've only been on this FUCKING BOAT for three and a half hours waiting for you, and the only thing I've seen so far is my lunch from earlier. It's not like you spend your entire goddamn life in the ocean, so I see why you would only come up for basically a split second. Personally, if someone was going to all this trouble specifically to see me, I would take time out of my BUSY ASS SCHEDULE to at least stop by the boat and make some small talk, maybe have some salmon. But I understand, Whale, places to go, 500 pounds of food to eat. I'll be fine. The real question here, Whale, is will you be fine? Can you really live with yourself? Maybe you need to make a change.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The red-crowned crane is a straight con

Cranes get away with being too tall for their own good by convincing people that they bring good luck. I guess some Japanese kid tried to make 1000 of them out of paper to cure her leukemia, but she only got to 644 before she died. Basically, the little fuckers said "Sorry, we need 356 more of these, sick child." But really, even if she had gotten to 1000, it wouldn't have worked, because cranes are the mortgage-backed securities of the animal world. They act like they are going to hold up, but if you look at them closely, they are actually overhyped shit stains on the global consciousness.

To commemorate the crane, I wrote a technically incorrect haiku about this one:

Standing in the snow
Showing us all your crane butt
Fuck you, Crane

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Lions even bore themselves

I'm not really sure where this "King of the Jungle" designation came from, but honestly, that is the biggest load of horseshit ever. Look at this dude, he looks like he's ready to put on a pair of slippers and turn in for the night. I seriously wonder if the lion hasn't been resting on its laurels for the past few hundred years, and no one has actually tested one of these things. Like, some lion started a whisper campaign about how he was a real badass, and because the mane makes him look bigger than he actually is, no one wanted to fuck with him. WELL GUESS WHAT LION, TODAY IS YOUR UNLUCKY DAY.

I'm sorry, what? Oh, no, I was talking to him. Not you, we're buddies, right? Can I get you anything? No? Okay, well you let me know.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Resorting to props is fucking pathetic

Raccoons don't have to try. So what does this asshole think he is doing? Is it so hard to just stand on your hind legs, or hug your tail? YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING ROBBER FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. So I don't presume to understand just what you might have gone through in your life to get to the point where you have to do this, Raccoon, but you better get out from behind that fucking tree right now. Or I am NEVER throwing out my trash again.

Introducing the Fuck You, Penguin Tipline

^^A different kind of terrorist.^^

It's come to my attention (from no one) that people know of quite a few animals that are currently getting away with flaunting their stuff all over town without so much as a "please stop doing that, you are making my heart explode."

If you know of an animal like this, do not stay quiet. Click the link on the side of this blog.

And please, I know you think your dog/cat/mouse/husband/leftover lasagna is the cutest thing ever, BUT ONLY SERIOUS SUBMISSIONS WILL BE CONSIDERED.

We now return to formerly scheduled programming.

Update: There are two kinds of pictures people send me, links on the internet and personal pictures. I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE (You're not dealing with morons, here). If you have sent me something that is not from the internet, it MUST be something you personally took, and by sending it in, you agree to the following bullshit:

You agree that when you send a Submission via email, you grant and its owners a non-exclusive, irrevocable, royalty-free license to use the work. We may use, copy, sublicense, adapt, transmit, distribute, publish, display or otherwise use it as we see fit, in our sole discretion. By making a Submission, you waive the right to make any claim against, its owners or any of its respective parents, subsidiaries, affiliates, employees, agents, directors, officers and shareholders relating to the Submission, including, but not limited to, unfair competition, invasion of privacy, negligence, breach of implied contract or breach of confidentiality. Without limitation of the foregoing, we shall exclusively own all now-known or hereafter existing rights to the Submissions of every kind and nature throughout the universe and shall be entitled to unrestricted use of the Submission for any purpose whatsoever, commercial or otherwise, without any compensation to the provider of the Submission.

You also agree that we shall be free to use any ideas, concepts or techniques embodied in the Submissions for any purpose whatsoever, including, but not limited to, developing, manufacturing, and marketing products or services incorporating such ideas, concepts, or techniques. In addition, you hereby waive all moral rights you may have in any materials uploaded or sent to us by you.

You understand that all information, data, text, software, music, sound, photographs, graphics, video, messages or other materials ("Content"), whether publicly posted or privately transmitted, are the sole responsibility of the person from which such Content originated. This means that you, and not us, are entirely responsible for all Content that you upload, post, email, transmit or otherwise make available to us. Under no circumstances will we be liable in any way for the Content, including, but not limited to, for any errors or omissions in any Content, or for any loss or damage of any kind incurred as a result of the use of any Content posted, emailed, transmitted or otherwise made available via the website.

Monday, December 15, 2008

This beaver is clearly up to something

I can tell you have some kind of grand scheme up your sleeve, Beaver, or you would if you were wearing a shirt (if you put on a goddamn shirt, I'm going to fucking go apeshit on you). I haven't figured out what it is you're planning yet, but beavers don't just go around tapping their fingers together like an evil genius for no reason. Look, I know you are jealous that we make way better dams than you guys, but that's no reason to plot for our complete and total annihilation. I'm not quite sure yet how to react, but I've got my eye on you, Beaver...

Also, your tail is showing.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Swans are nature's Porsche drivers

You know, there was once an ugly duckling who got picked on all of the time by the other ducks, who couldn't understand why the duckling was so ugly. But then it turned out that duckling wasn't really a duck at all, but was in fact a TOTAL FUCKING DICK.

Take this world-class douche, for example. Everyone is just hanging out, having a good time, and Mr. "My wingspan is bigger than yours" decides to unload on the scene. Even his swan friend is embarrassed. He probably does it all the fucking time because let's be honest: that's just what swans do. Me personally, I wouldn't be caught dead with a fucking swan.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Someone get this fat fuck a carrot.

Hey Prairie dog, I didn't realize donuts were native to the grasslands of North America! You're so fat, you make a capybara look like an African pygmy mouse!

Seriously, though, Prairie dog. You are really fat. This makes it very difficult for me, because the fact that your feet aren't touching the ground and your arms are kind of hanging down on your fat folds is fucking cute as shit. Am I supposed to feel bad for you? Is this what you wanted, Prairie dog? Damn you and your scheming ways.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Elephants never forget to be total show offs

What's that, Elephant? You have a large trunk? I had no idea, because it's not like you are putting it DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF MY FUCKING FACE. You know, I'm pretty tall, too. I can reach the top shelf in my kitchen. I also spray water out of my nose to bathe myself practically every day. So please, stop pretending that just because you can do math and recognize your buddies you should get a fucking Presidential Medal of Honor. Hey, there's Jim, with four other friends whom I recognize, which makes five people total. NOT THAT HARD ELEPHANT, STEP YOUR GAME UP.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Do you believe this preemptive little fucker?

Apparently this photo has been floating around the internet for some time, presumably under the assumption that Fuck You, Penguin would rise to internet dominance and come looking for the anteater. Well, this douchebag's suspicions were dead on, because clearly he thinks he's making heads turn. I mean, seriously, Anteater, what's with the pose? Are you in a sports montage? Or are you mid-clap in an (undoubtedly lame) rendition of "Hey Jude"? You know what, who gives a shit? At least I pick food that doesn't involve sticking my tongue into the ground, you dirty son of a bitch.

Fuck me, anteater? No no, FUCK YOU.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Laziest. Animal. Ever.

Sloth, get off your fucking ass and get down out of that tree. I don't care if it is practically impossible for you to walk on the ground, you've been sleeping for nearly a full day now and you promised you would start looking for a job this morning. WELL IT'S ALMOST TWO IN THE FUCKING AFTERNOON. And have you taken a shower recently? Your hair looks like it is literally made out of straw.

Goddamn, Sloth, you are the most appropriately named little fucker of all time.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Red "Panda" trying to steal panda thunder

Ummm... Excuse me? Red Panda? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TRYING TO FOOL. This is a panda, you little sneaky jerk-off. Just because you are holding bamboo doesn't make you a panda, BELIEVE ME, I'VE TRIED. You are a fox or a raccoon, or some kind of rodent or something.

Where did you have this picture taken anyway, Sears? Are you that desperate to prevent your species from total annihilation? AND STOP TAKING UP SO MUCH MEMORY WHEN I OPEN MULTIPLE TABS.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Just say no to kangaroos

Oh, I get it, Kangaroo. You're just hanging out, right? I bet if I asked you what you were doing, you would probably say you were "chillaxin'" or something. You probably think you look pretty cool, but I know better, Kangaroo, because YOU ARE AS A HIGH AS A KITE RIGHT NOW.

Kangaroo, did you ever stop to think about the kids? Do you ever think about anyone other than yourself, and perhaps Mallomars? No, you fucking don't. So fuck you, Kangaroo. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

This bear is essentially raping my soul

So basically this totally thoughtless motherfucker decided regular bears weren't cute enough. His solution? GIVE HIMSELF NATURAL FUCKING EYEGLASSES. Then, becoming the single cutest animal on the face of the earth, he laid on his fucking back so we could all see his goddamn belly, and then furtively glanced in our direction, thereby rendering any potential defense against his advances totally useless. Well played, Bear. I'm going to go take a shower now.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Squirrels that try to be productive members of society can suck it

You little fucker, you think you can just fucking waltz into our lives like nothing ever happened, but I know your kind, Squirrel. I turn my back for one second and you are causing power outages and breaking the noses of Finnish opera singers. So just go back to being hunched over nibbling on an acorn in my backyard, because you can stand there waiting for an invitation to my Christmas party all you want, IT'S NOT GOING TO COME. You may have found my weakness for animals that stand on two legs, but I'm smarter than you, Squirrel. And I will defeat you.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Platypus: the ultimate buzz-kill

What. The. Fuck. I don't even know what to say, Platypus. YOU MAKE NO SENSE. You're like some kind of anti-drug message, designed to make high people totally freak the fuck out. You are so weird, Platypus, that they don't even have a universally agreed-upon word for the plural form of you. That's because if you see two of these animals(?) together, the fabric of space and time will literally tear apart. Remind me to never close my eyes again, Platypus, you duck-billed asshole.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Moose are the biggest dorks ever

Obviously, Moose, you don't have a mirror to practice your smile, because you seriously look like a total vagina right now. You are very lucky moose do not have to go to school, since you would get your ass kicked, like, every day. And what kind of wild animal smiles at a camera? You are supposed to be a badass that roams the forest beating up other moose and cars that look at you funny, not Cindy fucking Crawford. Man up, Moose.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Camels are played out

Come on, Camel. We both know those aren't real, so why don't you get that fucking smirk off your face, stop fucking with everyone, and take off those bizarre humps. Yeah, I know you think it's funny, and maybe it was for the first hundred years. Now it's just getting lame. Seriously, Camel, you might as well go around using words like "bling" and writing articles about metrosexuals and cougars. WELCOME TO 2008, CAMEL. Like you aren't weird looking enough anyway, Jesus Christ.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Seals are always looking for a handout

This seal can obviously see I am eating a Fruit Leather at the moment (apple) and expects me to give him some. Honestly, I think this seal must be stupid, because there is no fucking way I am going to give my fruit leather, which I work hard every day to pay for, to a GODDAMNED, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING SEAL just because he looks at me with giant droopy eyes when I know damn well all he does all day is lounge around on rocks getting fat. Besides, a. I already finished the fruit leather, and b. he didn't give me any kind of home address where I could send it even if I still had some. So go eat a fish or something, Seal. Stop expecting everyone else to pick up your slack.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Oh, now orange isn't cute enough?

What the hell do you think you are doing, Tiger? You are destroying my ability to function as a responsible member of society what with your extremely rare and yet equally extremely cute little appearance. At this point in life you have two choices: grow the fuck up and dye your hair orange like a NORMAL FUCKING TIGER or just jam a knife into my skull and put an end to my misery. Dammit, Tiger. I literally hate you.

Hippo charm is a fucking joke

Don't be coy, you fucking semi-aquatic jerk. Your dashing good looks and slightly tilted head are not going to work on me. And what's with the one foot forward? Are you in a beauty pageant or something? Cause I got news for you: THE ZEBRA IS GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS. Stay humble, Hippo. No one likes a show-off.