Wednesday, April 29, 2009

FUP Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize! (ish)

^^This panda can feel its grip on humanity slipping away.^^

GREAT NEWS PEOPLE. The fine people at Logo have announced that I AM BEING NOMINATED FOR AN AWARD. It's for "greatest person ever" (or something) on their NewNowNext award show! You can even vote for me!!!!1111!! The show is somewhat low budget (it can't afford spaces in its name) so I don't think I'm getting any money, which seems like bullshit. But it is on TV, which means THIS SHIT IS GOING GLOBAL. Let's be honest here, people, this isn't the best thing that's ever happened to me, but it's the best thing that's ever happened to you!!!

Now, I know what you're thinking: this blog is awesome. But I know what else you are thinking: isn't Logo a gay network? How does telling cute animals what's what relate to the gay community? Well, as long time readers of the blog know, this blog actually started out as a major LGBT news and debate site. We would have commentary, as well as people from different walks of life come on the site with opposing viewpoints and they wouldn't be able to leave the computer until they sorted out their differences! A lot of people don't know this, but I was singlehandedly responsible for putting the whole gay marriage argument to rest (glad that's over, wtf, am I right?). Many others remember my thought-provoking and truly moving Will and Grace farewell post, which received four separate Peabodie Awards. Eventually, though, all gay-related websites evolve into anti-penguin campaigns (you should see the relaunch they are developing for the GLAAD website, even I think it goes a little too far).

I would also like to add one thing: Penguins have impeccable taste in interior design. If it wasn't for gay people, those flightless bastards would be the only ones we could call to move from shabby to chic. So thank you, Logo. Even though my cable company doesn't put you on my television, I'm sure you are great, if only now by association.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Stingrays forget their name is a dead giveaway

I know you think you are going to get me to come over there and give you a big hug, Stingray. And, yeah, I am pretty impressed with your winning smile, I'm not going to lie. But you have "sting" right there in your name. I mean, Manta Ray, no problem, let's hug like crazy. Devil Ray, okay, not really kosher, but I can handle that, bring it in. But Stingray? I'm gonna need something a lot more convincing than those soft eyes and flappy wings, buddy. Maybe, like, a signed agreement that you won't sting me.

Beyond that, Stingray, there isn't much I can do for you. So please, stop smiling like that, or at least only get photographed from the top so no one can see it. It makes you look desperate.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Seahorses make me less interested in real horses

FUCK! Horses were all prance-y and I could ride them and shit. It was totally kick-ass. At one point, I even said "Who needs the ocean when you have horses?" And I lived my life like that meant something. Now, I see a seahorse and that all goes out the window. How did you get the head of a horse? That shit is I-N-S-A-N-E.

Often times, animals with combo names are total crap, like that porcupinefish from last week. (wtf? Still not over it, get a real name, loser.) But this fucker really lives up to his billing, and I'm not going to let him get away with it. Yeah, I see the curved tail, and I know the males have babies (apparently nature's rules don't apply to everyone if you're "special" enough). But that doesn't give him the right to simultaneously look like a horse, some coral, a fluke, and a creamsicle. Pick a style and run with it, Seahorse. Stop freaking me out and let me have the normal horses that eat apples and let flies sit on their eyeballs.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Tasmanian devils misrepresent themselves

I went all the way to Tasmania to meet a Tasmanian devil I met online because I thought he was going to be super awesome. But instead of seeing the guy who was in the picture he had posted, I got this small dog-looking marsupial. Quite frankly, I was pretty disappointed, because if an animal is going to take the time to get to know me online, the least they can do is be honest with me.

So fuck you, Tasmanian Devil. Don't give me that "I know I was lying to you but look how hard I'm trying now" look, because I'm going to need a formal apology, AND IT BETTER NOT COME IN THE FORM OF YOU USING YOUR WHISKERS TO DETECT PREY IN THE DARK. I know all of your tricks, Tasmanian Devil. Your reign of terror is over.

Monday, April 20, 2009

A message from the Partnership for Drug-Free Marsupials

"I thought 4/20 was a hilarious way to celebrate casual drug use. I woke up last year on this very date like any normal day, hopped over to my friend's tree, turned on some Looney Tunes cartoons, and got high all day. And then I died. So remember that next time you think it's all fun and games and no one is going to get hurt. AND ALSO REMEMBER: KANGAROOS THAT USE DRUGS HAVE JOEYS THAT USE DRUGS."

Friday, April 17, 2009

Porcupinefish send out mixed messages

Good lord, you smiling asshole. What is going on with the fish lips and big eyes? YOU ARE SO FUCKING CUTE I WANT TO HUG YOU AND NAME YOU GARY. But I know better, Porcupinefish. You may me be smiling and having a great time now in your little undersea neon world, but next thing I know I'll come too close and you'll push me away.

The truth is, Porcupinefish, I don't know if you could ever really get close to anyone. Before you love someone, you have to love yourself, and I'm worried about the time you're putting in. You drift from place to place with no purpose in life, and you couldn't even spend enough effort giving yourself a name, you just picked something with spines and added "fish" to the name. You may get a lot of attention now, but sooner or later everyone is going to grow tired of your shenanigans, and you will realize what a shallow, empty life you lead. I'm not going to be there to pick up the pieces, Porcupinefish. You can go to hell for all I care.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Tigers are destined to live with regrets

Tigers can be real badasses, just ask that one dude in Vegas. So it's always embarrassing for them when they are reminded of their past as tiger cubs, doing fucked-up shit like biting tree trunks and refusing to grow into their already ridiculously large paws. This tiger looks like she just woke up in bed next to a lion (we all know where that leads and where it ends), but really she's just remembering what a cute-wielding little bastard she used to be.

Sorry, Tiger, you made certain choices when you were younger, and you are just going to have to deal with them. Some of them you can manage, like for example you can get simple surgery now to remove that Chinese symbol for "harmony" from your lower back. But photos? Once they get out, they are around forever. My best advice would be to just put it behind you and try to keep your head held high. And while I can't entirely forget what you've done, I understand that you are trying to change your life and live for a brighter tomorrow, and that's what Fuck You, Penguin is all about. Now don't ever have children, you'll ruin everything.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Egotistical deer think they are always making your day

Deer always like to take time out of their busy days roaming the forest and eating leaves to come into a clearing so onlookers can get a glance of them. They always claim to do this "for the people," but it's really because deer are huge attention whores. If they walked out into the open and no one turned to look, they would probably do something embarrassing like run in front of a car and just stand there, practically begging for someone to notice them.

Well, today is the day, Deer, because I am NOT impressed. I'm just having breakfast on my porch here, I didn't come outside to be mystified by your beauty and the fleeting nature of our time on Earth. So why don't you wipe that smirk off your face, the one that's like you're saying "This is really gonna make their day," and back right up into that forest and go find me something interesting to look at, like one of those 3-D posters that you blur your eyes at.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Oh, are bunnies associated with Easter?

Okay, green packing plastic in a basket and some colored eggs. Hmm... I know those things have to do with Easter... so that bunny must have something to do with Easter as well! THANKS FOR THE MOST OBVIOUS CONNECTION EVER, BUNNY.

This might be a new low for you, Bunny. The furtive glance over the basket is a dead giveaway that you hate yourself for what you are doing and you know someone is going to catch on. Well I've caught on, Bunny, and I'm not going to let you hop all over my sense of moral clarity. YOU WILL NOT LATCH ONTO MY FOND MEMORIES OF EGG-PAINTING AND CHOCOLATE.

How did you even get associated with the death and subsequent resurrection of Jesus anyway? Pretty sure there is minimal bunny presence in the Bible. Come to think of it, I can't actually figure out what you even have to do with eggs! What the hell is going on here, Bunny? I already know my Cadbury eggs aren't actually made by you, so it really seems like you are riding some serious coattails on this whole Easter thing. You need to get your own thing, Bunny, a white nose and perky ears is only going to get you so far.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Keep it in your pants, buddy

You know, Peacock, you are basically a flasher that walks around showing off your stuff to the entire world. It's pretty disgusting, if you ask me, "beautiful" colors or not. I'm not sure how you decided that you get a free pass from society, but the rest of us have to use our personalities and regular good looks to find mates, instead of throwing our junk around until someone feels sorry for us. Yeah, "one yes is all it takes," but remember, you have to live with yourself in the morning.

And yeah, I looked. I'm comfortable with my sexuality, so I can admire a peacock's feathers. THAT DOESN'T MEAN I WANT THEM IN MY FACE ALL DAY, PEACOCK. So either learn to control yourself, or expect to have a sexual harassment suit on your hands.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Jaded hipster owls think they've seen it all

Owls are always making snarky fucking asides like they're above it all. A perfect example of this was the other day. We were eating some really good watermelon sorbet together, and I was like, "Is this great or what?" and this owl gave me this look and said, "What." (He actually said "who," but I'm pretty sure that was just his lame meta-commentary on the commonness of the actual "What" joke.) The fucked up thing about it was that it was some seriously good watermelon sorbet, too, so there's no way he wasn't enjoying that shit.

So I was all, "I should already expect it from owls, but you're a real piece of work even for your species, with the curved beak and the silent judging. Sorry I'm just a person and you get to be inherently wise just because you can turn your head around to look behind your shoulders, Owl. IT'S NOT A CRIME TO OPEN YOURSELF UP TO NEW EXPERIENCES, ASSHOLE." Then they made me leave the gelato store, which was fine with me because there were owl pellets everywhere and that has to be a health violation.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Fuck you, Bigfoot


I wasn't going to include Bigfoot as a fantasy animal, because I know he is neither fantasy nor an animal, but when I got in touch with his office they refused to let me through to talk to him, and when I asked for a photo all they did was send me this blurry piece of shit that I don't even think is actually him. I called back and let them really have a piece of my mind, and then I told them I was running the "Bigfoot is a phony" story. So they sent me this photo to prove he was just a regular guy! Um, ARE YOU CALLING ME SPECIESIST, BIGFOOT, THAT'S HARRY FROM HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS. I know the fucking difference between one giant ape-like creature and another, you condescending jerk-off.

So fuck you, Bigfoot, for all I care you are a fantastical piece of shit that doesn't give a fuck about the little people. I wouldn't film you out of focus from far away if you were the last folk legend on earth.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Imaginary animals are supposed to, oh, I don't know, require imagination


COME ON, JACKALOPE. A rabbit with antlers? This was the best you losers could come up with? You know, if I was a fake animal, I'd throw in some cool shit, like wings, and laser eyes. All you did was put one thing from another animal onto a completely normal animal! Um, okay, a puppy with a trunk for a nose! I call it a elephuppy. A fox with a beak! I call it a fuck, and then I'll let it glance in your general direction.

Don't even look at me that way, because even if I could pet you I probably wouldn't, since you failed so royally. You had an infinite number of possibilities, Jackalope, and you picked this one. And now you are going to have to not live with it for the rest of your non-existent life. Deal with it.