Friday, July 31, 2009

An overview of how lives are destroyed

A brief outline of a Fuck You, Penguin post on this photo.

I. The animals.

A. A fawn that was briefly separated from its mother.

B. A pit bull from a shelter.

II. The situation.

A. The fawn wanted to nurse from the pit bull.

1. It is a MALE pit bull.

a. Awkwardly funny, but also adorable.

III. The clincher.

A. Here is a male pit bull from a shelter kissing an abandoned fawn.

1. Link to photo (NSFW).

a. Last straw??

IV. Epilogue.

A. The fawn was later returned to its mother.

V. Conclusion.

A. Kill me right fucking now.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I can't believe this is a rabbit

This is an angora rabbit. Do you believe it? When I first saw this I thought, "Hold on, there, Internet. There's no way that's a rabbit. It's so furry and round." But it's totally a rabbit. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS RABBIT?! You are sooooo crazy, Rabbit! Holy shit. Do you even know how much you look just like this cotton ball?

I literally had to look twice before I could tell them apart, but I know the difference is in the eyes. NICE TRY, RABBIT.

UPDATE: There's been a lot of confusion in the comment section as to which of these photos is the cotton ball and which one is the rabbit. Believe me, I know how difficult this can be. The key is to look at the eyes in the first picture, as you can see here. See? Definitely a rabbit.

Monday, July 27, 2009

I'm dreaming of a white jackass

Here I am sweating away in the heart of summer and this little jerk decides to prance around in his Winter Wonderland for the day. Look at him, standing on his hind fucking legs picking berries for the '10 poster. THE AIR CONDITIONING IN MY CAR IS NOT WORKING RIGHT NOW, ASSHOLE. Way to be a heartless weasel.

And what of your supposed purity, Ermine? I know you act like you would show me a world of peace and joy where candy canes dance among the lollipop trees. But what happens when I join you among the berries and the snow? Your belly would keep me warm, Ermine, but your empty promises would leave me cold. And soon the weather would warm, the snow would melt, and you would go back to being just another loser in a brown coat. So chew on that next time you think you're Rudolph the fucking reindeer.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Great Danes always fuck up teh cute

Oh my God, Great Dane, what is wrong with you? THIS IS THE WORST ATTEMPT AT TRYING TO WIN MY HEART SINCE THE NOTEBOOK. You are supposed to sit next to something bigger than you that we all recognize, thereby making yourself look impossibly tiny. Why do great danes always do the exact opposite? Dude, you are dominating that kiddie pool. It's basically at the point where I'm starting to find the elephant on the kiddie pool really cute because it looks so small compared to you.

This is just embarrassing. Anyway, is that your tongue, or a sliver of the regulation-sized kickball you are currently engulfing in that Statue of Liberty-sized head of yours? STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This is just a giant pile of wrong

Cuddle parties have finally made their way into the Degu community. This is making me super pissed-off because it's a bunch of fucking degus laying on each other in a mess of ears, whiskers, and tiny noses. But the parties are also leading to a greater level of inappropriate degu behavior. We all know that cuddle parties start out as innocent ways to have fun, but quickly degenerate into this.

Degus are particularly susceptible to this because they already have low self-esteem since guinea pigs and chinchillas get so much more attention. If you have a degu, DO NOT LET THEM GO TO A CUDDLE PARTY. I don't care if they say it helps them "keep warm," just tell them you go to work every day to put a roof over their heads so they aren't out in the cold, which is exactly where they'll be if they don't listen to you. Trust me, it's for their own good. They will thank you when they are older.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Ocelots should be more careful with technology

Dear Ocelot,

I'm really glad you like the blog, but I am actually a human, and therefore I am not attracted to cats. Furthermore, I find your casual distribution of seductive pictures on the internet to be HIGHLY inadvisable, and would recommend that you are more careful with photos of yourself in compromising positions. In order to teach you a lesson, I've posted this photo on the blog so you can see that once something is online, it's forever.


PS I don't know if it is you who has been calling my house at odd hours of the night and purring into the phone, but if it is, please stop.

On Sun, Jul 19, 2009 at 1:45 AM, Ocelot [ocelot4you@*********] wrote:
Hey baby,

I love the blog. I thought maybe we could get together some time. Do you happen to live in Costa Rica? E-mail me and maybe we can get together and see what happens? I've attached a pic I hope u like.


Friday, July 17, 2009

Are you shitting on my book?

Owls think everything about owl civilization is better than everything about human civilization. That is why this pretentious prick (whose goddamn name is Sanders) is pretending to sun himself on this table, but is in fact VIOLATING THE SYMBOL OF ALL THAT IS KNOWLEDGE AND MEANING.

What's worse is that he is teaching the next generation of owls to shit on us too. (Don't even get me started on that blog. A whole blog dedicated to raising an owl? THIS OWL?!? Why don't you just invent a time machine so you can actually stab Plato in the back?) There's no way I'm buying the whole sun thing, either. I know what you're doing, Owl. Stop disrespecting humanity, put your wings away, and make your kids look less weird so I don't want to teach them the secrets of humanity.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

"Mangalitsa" is a pretty fancy name for a curly-haired jack-off

Hey asshole, the only thing curly on you should be your tail. GET BACK IN LINE, PIG. I didn't even realize pigs had hair until I saw your ratty ass. Do all pigs have long hair and they just shave every day? What if pre-weight-loss Seth Rogen over here convinces all of the rest of them to grow it out and start styling it in new hip ways? THIS COULD BE A PIG-RELATED DISASTER ON A SCALE NOT SEEN SINCE I READ CHARLOTTE'S WEB.

I'm here to tell you that I'm not scared of you, Mangalitsa Pig. I see you brought your little buddy along with you to intimidate me, but I don't even care. I could take both of you. Let's go, right here on the internet! **Mangalitsa**, shit. I bet you don't even roll around in the mud 'cause it's beneath you. You know what, forget it, you'd probably just make some witty observation and trot off.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Baby rhinos better milk it while they can

I see what you're doing here, Baby Rhino. We ALL see what you're doing here. You think by having a mouth that looks sewn on and legs that appear to be taken from a dining room table from the 19th century you can be so ugly that you'll come back around to cute and we'll all forget how ridiculous you look and rhinos will get more publicity and start getting work in show business. BIG MISTAKE, BABY RHINO. Listen, maybe if you didn't grow up into a hulking mass of skin and bones that couldn't pose its way out of a paper bag then this strategy might work.

As it stands, Baby Rhino, your big gamble is just one giant piece of fucking fail. Well, don't expect me to wait around to see your next attempt, Baby Rhino. I've got better things to do with my time than sit around looking at pictures of baby animals trying to be cute all day, and so does everyone else on the internet. CLOCK'S TICKING, BABY RHINO, WHAT'S YOUR PLAN.


Friday, July 10, 2009

Lobsters never get it right

Hey Lobster, what the fuck are you doing in that person's apartment? GET BACK IN THE WATER WHERE YOU BELONG. And stop looking so sad, you fucking killjoy, this was your one opportunity to be cute and you blew it. It's got to be hard, being one step away from a cockroach, and I see you are trying to make me love you, I do. But it's not working AT ALL, Lobster, so stop acting like a dog and start twinkle-toeing around in that weird lobster way so I can get creeped out because I don't know which way you are going to move.

And for God's sake, Lobster, get yourself ironed. You look like a total slob.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Japan+Animals=Fucking Disaster

If this was a one-time thing, I would let Japan go. This puppy could have been born anywhere, and really it's just as rude to have a heart on your fur in Germany as it is in Japan. But this sort of thing has happened before. Look at this cow. Now look back at the puppy. Now look at the cow again.

What the fuck, Japan? What are you doing to animals over there? Are email chains that important to you? What other kind of shapes are you going to come up with once hearts lose their novelty factor?

THAT'S FUCKING IT: JAPAN IS NOW A PART OF THE AXIS OF CUTE. This list also includes South Korea, China, and Luxembourg (not even going to link to that bullshit).

But even if Japan somehow gave this puppy a heart-shaped mark on its fur, that's no excuse for that look. So fuck you, Puppy. I just discovered a giant threat to our liberty right across the ocean, this is no time for me to fly over there and nuzzle your freedom-hating ass.

Monday, July 6, 2009

On The Origin of Douchebags

What kind of sleazy joint are they running on the Galapagos Islands? With all the unsolicited come-ons, it seems like it's just one giant orgy down there. This guy seems waaaay overconfident, like he's taking every fourth tourist behind the fucking bushes for some afternoon delight. Personally, I'm not going to be seduced by some dinosaur wanna-be that thinks a laid-back demeanor and a shit-eating grin is going to convince me to sully my honor.

So no, Land Iguana, I don't want to see your condo, even if it is just around the corner. I think it's a good idea for you to just go back under whatever rock you crawled out from, most likely the one right in front of you that you probably actually crawled out from under.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Jaguarundis think they can just waltz into your heart

Okay, so this is pretty cute, but then you place this article on the net like you can just all of the sudden get special treatment just because you kind of look like an otter when you put your head up. Entitled jerk is all "Hey, I'm cute, send me money!" Frankly, Jaguarundi, I expect more from lesser-known cats.

I can occasionally look like an otter, you know, yet I'm not asking for handouts. I don't care how endangered you are, THERE'S ONLY ONE OF ME. Yet I go on with my life, just trying to work hard and get ahead. Maybe if you did something notable like starring in a Dreamworks animated movie or if a gay one of you adopted a baby jaguarundi you would get a little more attention. But you can't just sit back and wait for it to come to you just because I'm looking into how easy it is to domesticate you, Jaguarundi. So get an agent, start knocking on doors, and do this thing the old fashioned way. No shortcuts.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Only I can save everyone from this baby gorilla

This baby gorilla got rejected by its mom, and you can totally see why. In fact, I'm not even sure why I'm featuring this ugly bastard on this blog. I mean, look at this kid. WHO COULD EVER LOVE THAT???!!! When I looked at this picture, I threw up a little bit.

San Francisco Zoo: Don't bother trying to help this miserable loser. Send him to me and I will "take care of him." You don't need to know about what I'll do, just know you'll never have to worry about looking at him again. In fact, send me this, too. And one of these. And anyone else you want to send me really. Trust me: you do not want to fuck with these animals. Leave it up to a professional.