FU Penguins are always FU Penguining

**SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION WEEK**

Hey Cat, has anyone ever told you that you remind them of the book FU, Penguin that is going to be released on August 25th, 2009, but that you can pre-order from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Borders, or Indie Bound right now? In fact, I was reading my advance copy the other day, and I was laughing and laughing. Have you heard that world famous cat Keyboard Cat said FU, Penguin was, "The greatest book of the new millenium?"

Do you like to laugh, Cat? I bet you don't even remember what it is like. I bet if you bought the book FU, Penguin, you would laugh so hard that you would have to go out and buy another copy of the book FU, Penguin, available wherever fine books are sold. I BET YOU WOULD LOVE FU, PENGUIN AND CHERISH IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE. Here, Cat, I will even provide you with the links to various sites that are selling FU, Penguin:

Buy at Amazon
Buy at Barnes and Noble
Buy at Borders
Buy at Indie Bound.

Are you happy now, Cat? I mean, Jesus FU, Penguin Christ.

You'll take Manhattan when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands

This dog's name is Snapdragon, which not coincidentally is the PERFECT FUCKING NAME for this Muppet-looking motherfucker. I was sent in this picture by a person pretending to be the owner, but honestly is there any possible way this is a real dog? And if it is a real dog, it should be taken away because it is clearly fucking out of its mind high. THERE IS NO WAY I'M COMING TO SIT ON THAT COUCH WITH YOU, DOG. I don't care how many episodes of Planet Earth you have cued up.

**This Fuck You, Penguin post has been brought to you by the letter "L"**

Slow-burn cuteness: the silent killer

The aye-aye was one of the first animals I was tipped off to by readers and, believe me, I had the same reaction you are having right now: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT AND WHY WON'T IT LET GO OF MY EYES? Months later, after looking at hundreds of pictures of aye-ayes (including this one and this one), receiving countless more emails from concerned citizens, and briefly opening and managing my own aye-aye singles bar to help increase their dwindling population, I've decided to add the aye-aye to my list of animals that are fucking bullshit.

How can one animal be so creepy, and yet so hairlessly wonderful? THIS IS DEAL-WITH-THE-DEVIL-TYPE SHIT. He's got the fingers of the Grim Reaper, the eyes of a snake, and the ears of a Pepperidge Farm cookie wrapper and yet I want to spend an afternoon showing him how to use iTunes. Fuck you, Aye-Aye, for taking your time to crawl into my heart and do some remodeling. I'll have the last laugh when you're old and ug... oh, fuck.

Never work with an alpaca

How come every time alpacas feel like the energy is low at work they have to do the worm from Labyrinth? Listen, Alapaca, obscure references to 80s cult movies are no excuse for your fuzzy hair, your bushy tail, your fucking face. And why are you always smiling? Are you purposefully trying to make me love you?

Well you and your whole species have tried to avoid the truth for a long time. You have poor dental hygiene, you look goofy when you get your hair cut, and your small talk is possibly the worst I have ever heard. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR COMMUTE, ALPACA. You are a poor man's llama. So stop pretending you don't have legs and get back to work.

A terrorist is born

It is a sad day for America, people. Yesterday, at approximately 6:66 in the morning (coincidence?), a baby panda was born at the San Diego Zoo. You can see the video here, but be warned IT IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. For those of you who cannot bear to click through, I have gotten John Hurt and Ridley Scott together to recreate the birth in this much less terrifying photo.

At this point, the baby panda has no fur, chirps like a velociraptor, and is the size of a stick of butter. But remember people: Osama Bin Laden was once the size of a stick of butter (when I molded a stick of butter into the shape of Osama Bin Laden). Pretty soon they turn into this. And then this. AND THEN THIS. And then this. Before finally, they start spreading out all over the world.

That's how this is all going to play out. So mark my words. Now is the time to rise up against this threat. Meg Sutherland-Smith, if you have any human left in you and you aren't entirely in the pocket of Big Panda, please, I beg you, make sure you raise this panda right, to respect our common decency and keep it humble. Show it this website. Buy it my book.

Actually, it might be better if you just sent it to me to raise. I can introduce it to my gorilla. Wait, never mind. Probably a bad idea.

When animals collude

Donkeys aren't that cute and, let's face it, zebras are even less cute. When you Google image search "cute zebra," 11 of the first 12 images that come up are cartoons. The 13th is a baby in a zebra costume (no way that baby was gonna fool me, men can't carry real zebras). Obviously, zebras had to do something.

Enter the zonkey. One part zebra, one part donkey, a million parts out of control. Striped black and white legs and a brown body? This is a fucking disaster. What happened to properly mixing your heritage, Zonkey? You aren't supposed to look like napoleonneapolitan ice cream, here, YOU ARE A FUCKING ANIMAL.

Zebras and donkeys ought to learn that two moderately cute wrongs do not make an extremely cute right, but most importantly, let's all hope this doesn't spread. If I see a rhinopotamus any time soon THAT'S ON YOU, ZONKEY.

For fuck's sake, adopt this dog

British people (I know you're there) I need a favor. ADOPT THIS DOG RIGHT FUCKING NOW. This article depicts a cunning dog that is using sympathy to infiltrate my mind and make me sad. SAD, PEOPLE. I don't have time to be sad: I HAVE A BOOK COMING OUT.

The dog's name is E.T., which makes the whole thing worse because in the movie E.T. was just trying to get home and now this dog wants a home and if you people don't take this fucking dog out of that cage and bring it home and give it a biscuit I'm going to be VERY UPSET. Look at him. He's regal, people! Once he is adopted, he'll be just another dog. His power will be neutralized!

British people, we have done so much for you. Now is your time! Trust me, it was a huge hassle to cart all the money you were making off of the colonies back across the Atlantic. We did you a favor! I promise if one of you takes this dog, we can call it even. I don't even care what misguidedly cute things you do with it. You can dress it up in a medieval costume and paint portraits of it for all I care. Just, please, get it out of my sight.