Don't even think about trying to sneak by me

I've tried to get around to as many species as possible on this blog, but it's really hard to keep up with all the smart-ass explorers that go into places like volcanos and obscure unexplored mountains and discover, like, seven thousand new species in a day. So to stem the tide, I've put together a post that covers a lot of the really dangerous new species that these Darwin-dick riders have shoved in our faces, just to get them out of the way and move onto the serious problem areas.


Hey buddy, nice head. What, were all the proportional heads taken? I did a little math, and even if I lost one leg, I'd still have 100% more legs than you. So suck on that.


The olive sunbird, huh? Fuck you.


Hey, loser: YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING CRATER. Get a job, free loader.


You think just because you're iridescent, you can get away with being a beetle. You know what else is iridescent? THIS FUCKING SHARK.

Yes, I realize it's a catfish. What the fuck do you know about fish, you're just a stupid beetle. Shut up, asshole.


What's so fucking surprising, shithead? Like you weren't just sitting around waiting to be discovered by humans. DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT CIVILIZATION. I bet your stupid reality show is only going to last until mid-season, anyway, so don't make any big purchases.


Yeah. Do you even need me to say anything? I didn't think so.


I bet you think you fucking invented that pose. Well guess what, fucktard: BIRDS HAVE BEEN USING THAT POSE FOR YEARS. You don't look contemplative, you just look like a Mexican flag with wings. And by the way, "Fruit Dove"? Gayest. Name. Ever.


You know I hate combo animals, Leopard Gecko. Get a more original name, like maybe Uneven Tail Gecko. Did your tail swallow a candy corn? I don't give a shit about your freaky eyes, you're still all elbows and suckage.


Wait a second, this frog and has fangs? And it fucking EATS BIRDS?! Um, we're cool. I think I'm done here. Yeah.

I think you may have sat on your own face, clown monkey

Mandrill, I'd like to introduce you to a concept called restraint. Here's how it works: I don't make fun of the fact that you think chewing on a twig is cool, and you refrain from looking like your mom had sex with a box of Fruit Loops and made you. Honestly, of all the ridiculously insane monkeys out there, you have to be the craziest one of all. You're a primate, Mandrill, not a fucking Care Bear.

And as if it wasn't enough that you have a Van Gogh painting on your ass, you just had to get like an all-time amazing shampoo/blow out at the local salon. HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE IN THE WILD. It's so silky and planned, you are way too entirely ready for a night on the town in your rockin' unbuttoned shirt and puka shell necklace. Please stop your misguided search for a mate, wipe that shit off your face, and start eating a banana or something so other monkeys won't talk about you behind your back so much.

Dissatisfied ferrets resort to Jewish guilt

Ferrets have made no secret out of the fact that they are not happy about being so low down the list of favorite pets, hovering way below the classic favorites like dogs and cats and somewhere between a potbellied pig and a chia pet. Instead of taking this like a man, they unsurprisingly take it like a ferret, which means tons of fucking passive aggressive comments about how all the ferret wants is for you to be happy and if it doesn't make you happy, well, then maybe it just shouldn't be around any more.

This particular manipulative bastard has taken it to a whole other level. If a Ferret ever gives you shit like this, just say, "No, Ferret, I am not going to cook you to put you out of your misery. JUST BECAUSE I DON'T CALL EVERY WEEK DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T LOVE YOU ANY MORE. And stop looking at me like that, I will not be taken in by your firm but loving stare." Then slowly back away from the Ferret and when both of you are calmer you can make plans to firmly define your boundaries.

I doubt Nathan Lane feels threatened

This nudibranch apparently thinks it's the cutest thing on the block just because it's the neon equivalent of a drama kid. Prancing around the ocean like you have a spine doesn't mean you should pose jazz-hands style like you're in a college production of Fame, asshole.

Talk about cheesy. Was this the nudibranch's headshot for auditions? I've got news for you, Nudibranch, no one is looking for an overenthusiastic mollusk to take Broadway by storm. I hope you're good at pouring coffee, because I see a bright future for you in table-waiting.

Is there anything more defeating than cute bats?

Baby Bat, you are destroying my ability to successfully categorize safe animals and animals that want me to drop whatever I am doing and make sure they are comfortable and happy. You are supposed to be trying to suck my blood or finding your way out of a cave using radio waves or Google maps or whatever. Instead you are like a big-eyed baby deer crossed with a webbed monkey sucking on a pacifier. You're really little, too, aren't you? There's nothing in this picture that I can compare you to, but I get the sense you're something disgusting like a pound and a half. I bet you would fit in my hand and then look up at me and I wouldn't even be able to check to make sure you aren't going to turn into a vampire. Fucking bats. At least they aren't thriving, I mean, who would raise bats in large groups?

Oh shit. Why do I even bother?

Confiscated for evidence

This blog is now the property of the Antarctic Police Department. Once everything is bagged and tagged in a few days it will be released back into the internet wild.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Penguin Donates Millions to Charity!

I thought everyone else would be as interested in this story as I was. Who knew penguins were so selfless?

(AP)

Penguinville, ANTARCTICA - Moments after emerging from his father's fat fold, a baby emperor penguin donated his entire inheritance to human-focused charities. While the money went to a number of different non-profit organizations, the bulk of the money was donated to PETAP (Penguins for the Ethical Treatment of Actual People). "This is a great day for human/penguin relations," said a real person, who was using their fingers to do something complex as they spoke, "we've always known penguins were totally great and didn't at all deserve the negative press they've been getting recently. But it's nice to have it confirmed."

When reached for comment, the baby penguin had only nice things to say about humans. "I think people understand that we can only do so much to avoid being cute in certain circumstances. This is simply just the way we were born. The fact that so many people are thoughtful about our circumstances and try their best to look the other way means a lot to me, and I know it means a lot to my fellow penguins. This is just my way of saying thank you."

This is really a different way of thinking about penguins isn't it? That charity is great, because it is specifically targeted to actual humans like you and me! Now I am going to go put some pants on (one leg at a timing, right guys?!) and put more thought into all this new light that's been shed on the penguin.