Regular legs aren't good enough for this cocky asshole

What ever happened to the time when being well proportioned was enough for everyone? You know, Secretary Bird, it's pretty easy to prance around on regular rooster legs, I've seen it done quite a bit. But were they good enough for you? No, you had to get GIANT FUCKING LEGS LIKE A GODDAMNED FLAMINGO. Well, you aren't a flamingo, Secretary Bird, you are just a regular bird that traded in its basic decency for a fucking gimmick. Apparently, it wasn't even good enough, because you had to get a shitty job (btw, it should be Assistant Bird, asshole, way to demean yourself). Since you are apparently so good at dictation, you should get ready to take a message: Dear Secretary Bird, comma. Fuck you, period. Sincerely, etc.

Crossbreed kittens are genetically engineered to fuck shit up

Kitten, they created you so you could be a Persian cat without long hair, but what they didn't predict was you sticking your fucking head out of that bed and making a face which is pretty much the worst thing I've ever seen. You are like the Natasha Henstridge in Species of cute. I would blame the misguided souls that made you, but I'm not entirely convinced you couldn't just keep it together and lead a normal cat life. For example, why are you looking at the camera? And Jesus Christ, stop fucking frowning. You have your whole life ahead of you!

And then I find out you have your own blog? And it's in Japanese! Uh-uh, learning how to use Flash, I believe, BUT THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY YOU KNOW JAPANESE, KITTEN, IT'S A REALLY HARD LANGUAGE TO LEARN. Something is going on here, Kitten. I'm going to find out what it is. So get ready, Kitten, I'll give you something to frown about.

The dik-dik is one evil fucker

While there are some animals that just straight don't exist, the dik-dik is very real, only you can't see it except in photos. (Proof: Show me a dik-dik on the internet that isn't in a photograph.) This photo was taken of an out of focus tree, but when it was developed, there was a dik-dik right there, smiling in its little creepy adorable way. Trust me: you do not want a dik-dik to show up in your photos. Minutes after this photo was taken, both the man and the dog were killed in a freak accident involving a water ski, two pairs of wool mittens, and a lion (it was mostly because of the lion). Dik-dik's are doomed to this kind of work because they are really just a giant rip-off of an antelope with a little bit of anime thrown in to make them look really creepy in a Disney kind of way.

The best way to get rid of a dik-dik in any photo is to tell it to get lost. Personally, I like focusing on its lack of originality, e.g. HEY DIK-DIK IF I WANTED TO GET TERRIFIED BY WEIRD LOOKING PHOTOS, I WOULD JUST WATCH THE RING OR READ THE GOOSEBUMPS BOOK SAY CHEESE AND DIE. Don't try to get rid of them by looking at various pictures of them in cute poses for hours on end, or by thinking it's ridiculously cute that they are named after the sound they make when they are alarmed, because I've tried that already, and it doesn't work.

Rare animals can be a real drag

Thanks a lot Zoological Society of London. Yesterday, I had no idea the long-eared jerboa existed. Today, he's hopping around all over like he owns the fucking joint. Well here's a little bit of info now that you are on the big stage, Long-eared Jerboa: I don't need you, the people don't need you, and you sure as hell aren't going to get special treatment from me just because you are a combination of a mouse and a kangaroo with a little bit of giant ears thrown in just to be fucking difficult. And why are all the pictures of you at night? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, JERBOA? Whatever. I was living my life long before I knew what you were, Long-eared Jerboa, and I will go on living my life long after I have set you as my desktop picture.

On the trail of a hot tip

Got word that this asshole prances around like he just won Westminster, asking everyone to rub his paws while he stands on his hind legs. Have to check him out in person to do a hardcore intervention/exorcism and see what I can do to help his victims. I'll be gone 'til next Monday, but while I'm gone DO NOT GIVE THESE PEOPLE MONEY:

RSPCA Australia
Wildlife Advocate
Red Cross Australia

They help koalas, which means that if you give them 5, 10, or God help us, 25 dollars, there will be more pictures like this. Which will lead to more pictures like this. BANDAGES ON YOUR PAWS!?! AFTER EVERYTHING THEY'VE DONE FOR YOU, KOALA?

I trust you all know what's the right thing to do.

Mailbags are not your personal limo, Otter

>>ANIMALS IN THE NEWS WEEK<<

One of the more tragic recent instances of humans being forced to do the bidding of cute animals took place in Scotland last month. After finding a defenseless mailman on the side of the road, this otter sneakily convinced the man to give her a personal fucking tour of Scotland, before bringing her home and feeding her a bunch of salmon every day! This further cements the otter threat in Scotland, which has been growing for some time now. At this point, Scottish people are slaves to the otters, and soon residents will be legally obligated to carry salmon on them at all times. I'm not saying this to be provocative, I'm just being realistic, seeing as this otter has proven to be an unstoppable, salmon-eating, kitten-befriending force.

I'm sorry, my Scottish friends. Stay strong. And to you, Otter, you have ruined my Friday. I hope you choke on that salmon I sent you.

South Korea real Korean threat to humanity

>>ANIMALS IN THE NEWS WEEK<<

What the hell, South Korea? You guys seem so awesome, what with your delicious food, nice electronics, and live octopus eating. You are like Japan but without the creepy porn (I mean this in a good way). So what are you trying to pull here? Are you seriously telling me one of those puppies isn't cute enough, YOU NEED THE SAME FUCKING PUPPY TWICE?!?! A normal country (like, say, Peru) wouldn't even need the whole puppy, it would be cool with just that impossibly pink nose.

I used to think you were the "cool" Korea. People would bad mouth Korea, and I would be like, "Man, you must mean North Korea, 'cause that South Korea, that's one boss fuckin' place." (I was in the 1960s at the time.) But now, I really don't know, South Korea. I think you need to rethink your relationship with the puppy.

I'm not even going to say anything to these puppies. They know what they did.

Giraffes don't know when their 15 minutes are up

>>ANIMALS IN THE NEWS WEEK<<

Hey buddy, I know the San Francisco zoo where you were born was very excited, and you got some national attention. I bet people even told you you had potential. I have to admit, I even almost fell for it. But you were born two weeks ago, and it's over now, I've moved on. I'm sure you're bummed, but they are trying to take a picture of your mom's torso. GET OUT OF THE FRAME, BABY GIRAFFE. I know what it's like. I was a baby once, and you really do get everything handed to you. I didn't even have to go to the bathroom to relieve myself! But the news cycle is a cruel mistress, and let's face it, there are other babies out there to photograph.

Hey, don't be so sad, maybe in a little while you'll come up with, like, a really cool dance trend, or the cure for cancer. Oh wait. I forgot. You're a fucking giraffe. Oh well, at least you can reach those high leaves. You'll make it somehow, Baby Giraffe. Now stop looking at me like that.

Clearly, lemurs have zero personality

>>ANIMALS IN THE NEWS WEEK<<

I don't know about you people, but it is incredibly easy for me to tell the difference between my mother and a teddy bear. This lemur, however, cannot seem to figure out that this is not his mother. Hasn't the lemur figured out that the teddy bear hasn't moved in, like, ever? Conclusion: hanging out with a lemur is like hanging out with a stuffed animal.

The other alternative, of course, is that this lemur is a fucking idiot. The mother realized this at some point, and while her dumbass kid was sleeping one night, she quietly slipped out of the baby lemur's arms and replaced herself with a teddy bear so she could go start a new, better family. I actually hope this is true, and that lemurs in general aren't totally lame, because I expect this sort of thing from hedgehogs (boo-ring), but lemurs really ought to know better.

An inside look at the John Wayne Gacy of the new millennium

>>ANIMALS IN THE NEWS WEEK<<

We have all experienced the ups and downs of life, but every once in a while, something so shocking happens that it makes everyone stop and reevaluate what they had perceived as a decent and functional society. Today, we deconstruct one such instance, when faith, justice, and everything good in the world must be called into question.
Okay, this is pretty bad right off the bat. First of all, the perp is a fucking koala, which already makes him suspect. I don't always speciesally profile (which is a term, look it up (don't)), but koalas, I mean, come on. He's not coming inside to crap on your face (at least not literally).

Then you've got an arm in the picture, which puts this koala in perspective. THAT IS A BABY KOALA, PEOPLE, AND HE IS PUTTING HIS PAW IN THE WATER TO TEST IT OUT.

At this point, this koala already knows it's in the bag: he's going to get all the eucalyptus leaves he wants for the rest of his godforsaken life. HOW DARE HE USE THAT TONGUE IN FRONT OF A CHILD, SHE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.

I don't even know what to say here. Are you happy for yourself, Koala? Why isn't the last picture good enough? You were using your tongue. Is being famous in Australia not good enough for you? IT'S A GIANT FUCKING COUNTRY, KOALA. Were you planning on going abroad for your second year of school? You're a koala, you're not from anywhere else. But you have to be world fucking famous. You want it all, Koala, and apparently you don't care who gets hurt.


But see, this is what happens when you let cute animals do things like get wet, cool off like they are humans, and demonstrate how small they are and what their koala paws look like. Of course, this has caused a series of copycat crimes throughout Australia as koalas grow egos and become convinced that no one can stop them.

And do you know what the worst part of all of this was? It happened on MY BIRTHDAY. When even penguins had the decency to take the day off! Fuck you, Koala, you heartless criminal. I hope you can sleep at night, knowing how your newfound fame has wreaked havoc throughout the world.

Take the broccoli. Leave my dignity.

Why, Hamster, why? I am but one poor soul, trying to make my way in the world. I do what every decent citizen is supposed to do. I call my grandmother on her birthday. I recycle whenever there is a recycling bin on my side of the room. For a living, I run a modest blog, where every morning I get up and try to give a little back to the world.

So why do you have to be such a soul-crushing asshole? It's just broccoli, Hamster, I'm not really sure why you are all "Broccoli?! Wow, I never expected broccoli!" Everyone knows hamsters love broccoli. You are not fooling anyone. So my only guess as to why you are making that face is that you are actively trying to destroy me. Well fuck you, Hamster. Because I've got the broccoli now. Or something. Shut up.

Please just go.

Um, I can see you

Cow, what the hell do you think you are doing hiding behind that tree? You do realize you are a cow, right? It's not likely that you are going to be able to keep a low profile, seeing as cows are so large that they are a metaphor for fat people. I (almost) respect the effort, but I don't care that your horns kind of match the tree, that emo haircut of yours is not botanical.

And what kind of cow has horns anyway? You are supposed to be black and white, and I'm supposed to drive by you in my car on road trips and lean out the window and say "Moo." Get back to work being harmless and laying in the grass. STOP RUINING MY VACATIONS BY WANTING MORE OUT OF LIFE, COW.

Why do you hate poor children, Loris?

You sick fuck. It's funny to make fun of those kids on the charity television commercials? Is that what you're saying with your big droopy eyes and your sad little face? Because a bunch of people were going to send them 5 cents a day, but then you showed them how easy it is to fake and they're starting to question the kids' authenticity.

Does that make you happy, Slender Loris? I bet it does, you child-hating bastard. You know, humor is a delicate thing. You are not supposed to just fling it around, making innocent creatures who cannot defend themselves the butt of your jokes. PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN GENUS, LORIS.

Jesus Christ, some animals have no self-awareness.

Show-boating pangolins walk right into it

HOLY SHIT, PANGOLIN, LOOK OUT, THAT'S A SPIKY TREE AND YOU ARE GOING TO HURT YOURSELF!!!

Oh. Oh, no. I see what's going on here. Goddammit, Pangolin, you are in the middle of the jungle. There's no reason to be a fucking show off. You know, Pangolin, I was going to let you slide. Your entire body is covered in fingernails, so that can't possibly be pleasant. And while you do curl up into a ball, at least you aren't a fucking armadillo (don't think I'm not onto you, Armadillo). But you had to go and dance up your little danger pole, and you had to do it with a big fat smile on your non-reptilian face. So when you are up there in the tree and you can't figure out how to get down, don't bother asking for my help, Pangolin. Because you can go to hell.

Presenting the Signature Series

Is your Fuck You, Penguin shirt lonely? Or perhaps you hate penguins so much that you couldn't bear to wear them on your shirt... Fear not, for here are the first two shirts in the Fuck You, Penguin Signature Series. Each design has been hand-crafted with the same care, love, and thoughtfulness that goes into each post at Fuck You, Penguin only, unlike the posts, it actually was. In a hundred years, when the penguins have taken over the world and we are all slaves, these shirts will fuel the underground, and will therefore be serious collector's items (think books in Fahrenheit 451, only you won't have to write a book report about it).

In honor of the Pulizter Prize-winning Puffin exposé Puffin hoax revealed!, we have the dainty but firm "Puffin My Ass" shirt:

(Also available in blue, pink, and different styles here.)

And for those of you who like to sit and contemplate your clothing, I give you a shirt inspired by the Nobell Prize for Literature-winning haiku from The red-crowned crane is a straight con, the "Zen Crane" shirt:

I hope when you pass these shirts down to your great-grandchildren, they make them as happy as they undoubtedly make you right now. Unless your great-grandchildren turn out to be dicks, in which case I suggest you burn these on your death bed.

Don't listen to groundhogs

I know your secret, Groundhog. You've had a free ride for way too long. Newsbreak: Groundhogs do not know how to predict the weather. It was inevitable that people would start to catch on, since you have to switch it up every now and then to keep people guessing, but every year the spring continues to arrive at the same time. You've only been able to last this long because of the teeth, Groundhog, those damn teeth, taunting me with their prominence. But those teeth cannot save you for long, because if you don't put them away, I am definitely going to see my shadow. And then it's going to be a long, cold winter for you, Groundhog. And it's going to last you the rest of your life.